Considered a non-essential item in the White House budget, the Meals on Wheels program will likely be terminated along with grandma — “Whose life expectancy exceeds her value to society,” according to the budget overview.
“Non-essential spending on people who’ve outlasted their expiration date will be shifted to essential budgets like the military, to help pay for wars caused by Trump’s early morning Twitter rants.”
A White House aide cited the President’s recent tweet on North Korea and China as a reason for the increase in military spending.
“We started an office pool in the West Wing on who will attack first,” but then refused to reveal the country on which he placed his bet.
He told reporters that Trump’s poor diplomatic skills also factored into the budget increase “because of POTUS’s tendency to insult world leaders not amused by him.” The aide emphasized the importance of shutting down non-essential programs to maintain a strong military “by killing off the weaklings that are almost dead anyway.”
During a recent White House briefing, Press Secretary Sean Spicer justified the White House’s decision on Meals on Wheels. “The President’s goal is to shift government spending from old people programs like Meals on Wheels to the youth-centric Parking Space Restoration Plan that eliminates handicap parking and wheelchair ramps.”
Reporters responded with aggressive handwaving and yelling in an effort to ask follow-up questions, which ended abruptly when Spicer threw a shoe at a reporter who spoke out of turn and got a timeout in the back corner of the room.
The briefing resumed a few moments later despite Spicer’s inability to locate the shoe he threw at the reporter. “It’s unbelievable,” he said. “That I can’t find my shoe… and that money is wasted on failing programs like Meals on Wheels…”
He continued. “Feeding people who have no interest in living or eating is a counter-productive use of public resources and an unnecessary drain on the Federal budget. Look, no one’s thriftier than I am,” then he lifted his shoeless foot and wiggled a toe through a hole in his sock.
“I’m thrifty but at least I can feed myself. Old people need to get with the program or leave the planet,” he screamed. “They need to get their ass out of bed, grab their cane, hobble down to the corner market and buy their own damn food. No one wants to watch them eat anyway,” he said, then made an “ew” face.
“For years, public resources have gone to the deadweights of society, people who no longer contribute to the workforce or their family. No one wants to hear their kids complain about grandma’s wheelchair always getting in the way.”
Maria Gloom, a 90-year-old great-grandmother enrolled in the Meals on Wheels program was invited to watch the briefing from the green room. A career government analyst for over forty years, Maria agreed with Spicer’s assessment. “He’s right,” she said. “I’ve got no family and don’t deserve to eat. Why the government continues to waste money on me I’ll never know.”
“It’s true. She’ll never know,” said a Meals on Wheels spokesperson on hand during the interview. “Maria suffers from dementia. Since there’s no one else to care for her, the government is her family now. And it’s unconscionable that the government to whom she’s devoted her life wants to take away the program that keeps her alive–”
“So, I can feed my cats,” Maria interrupted. “Meals on Wheels pays for my damn cats. How’s that for government waste?”
The Meals on Wheels spokesperson noted that Maria didn’t have any cats.
“I used to,” Maria protested. “Until the pussy-grabber took them away.”
Spicer wouldn’t confirm or deny what Maria Gloom said but added, “Look at her. She’s all wrinkled like my Nonna.”
A public outcry against the White House budget prompted Maria to tell reporters. “Just give my money to veterans. They deserve it more than me.”
To which, Spicer responded, “We’re purging funds for veterans, too.” Then, he concluded the questioning, grabbed his shoe from a reporter’s mouth, and left the briefing room.