30 Minus 2 Days of Writing III, Day 1: Gouda Jones

 

 SAY GOUDA!

The story of Gouda Jones, a former cheesemonger and Wisconsin resident, is a source of pride and embarrassment for Gouda’s loyal fanbase of Cheeseheaads and Happy Hour enthusiasts.

There was never any doubt Gouda Jones had a nose for cheese. She could detect the finest cheese aromas from miles away with her extraordinary sense of smell. Her legendary smelling ability was admired by cheese connoisseurs and nasal allergy sufferers across the globe and earned her a place in history as the first Nobel Nose prize recipient.

Gouda was often called upon to select the cheese served at celebrity cocktail parties. Her decision to serve a Camembert at a Justin Bieber shindig was applauded by the cheese community but condemned by local authorities as the reason Justin Bieber egged his neighbor’s house. “He was high on Camembert at the time,” the Sheriff of Hollywood remarked.

The incident prompted a backlash of bad press for Gouda who fled the country for Canada, which ultimately ended her cheese celebrity career.

One wild night of partying in Toronto, snorting coke and Splenda with Mayor Ford and his gang of thugs, sent her to the THE SMELL AND TASTE CLINIC in Pennsylvania after her nose exploded. She was airlifted to the University of Penn., with cartilage fragments packed in ice, where doctors unsuccessfully attempted to reassemble her nose and reattach it to her face. Over Gouda Jones objections, doctors were forced to perform a radical Swineoplasty using a a pig snout to rebuild her nose.

Gouda Jones’ memoir, “Life in the Cheese Lane” is scheduled for publication in the fall of 2014. Her publicist would not confirm or deny rumors that Gouda will be wearing a fake nose and glasses for all public appearances.

Nasal.

Nasal. (Photo credit: Tom Mooring)

I’m participating in We Work for Cheese‘s Third Second Annual writing challenge, 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing, a.k.a. 28 days of torture. Today’s writing prompt is “Gouda.”

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37 Comments 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing III, Day 1: Gouda Jones

  1. nonamedufus

    Funny. Very funny. You know there’s a petition that’s been sent to the White House to extradite Bieber back to Canada. I’m thinking of starting one here in Canada in favour of you guys keeping him.

    Reply
    1. Lauren

      Thank you. No, I didn’t know there was petition to extradite Beiber. Finally, a petition that makes sense. Where do I sign?

      Please, you can keep him.

      Reply
  2. Ron

    Lauren, this was STELLAR! How clever you are!

    And this make me HOWL…

    “One wild night of partying in Toronto, snorting coke and Splenda with Mayor Ford and his gang of thugs…”

    Bwhahahhahahaha!

    Well done, Lauren!

    Reply
  3. Nicky

    Oh, the things I have done while high on Camembert! I loved this, Lauren. And I really need to look into the requirements for the Nobel Nose prize.

    Reply
  4. Malisa

    Love that you combined current events with cheese and and drugs! How clever to include Ford and Beiber. Your mind is much too alert and creative. Are you not drinking?

    Reply
  5. Katherine

    “but condemned by local authorities as the reason Justin Beiber egged his neighborโ€™s house. โ€œHe was high on Camembert at the time,โ€ the Sheriff of Hollywood remarked.”

    AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA I LOVE IT!!!

    Reply
  6. KZ

    This post is so Canadian, it makes my face hurt. I mean that in the best possible way, of course. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Actually, I found this piece delightfully off-kilter. I’m a fan.

    Reply
  7. Cheryl P.

    Wow, when things go bad, they really go bad in Gouda’s world. Will Gouda have to testify at Bieber’s trial and take the heat for the egging incident? Will the jury have pity or disgust when they look at the pig nose on her face?
    I guess all will be answered in her book.

    Reply
    1. Lauren

      hah! Maybe the jury will just think about bacon. We’re getting an ice storm tomorrow. And so it continues… the winter from hell, which doesn’t make sense. I think I’d like a winter like that.

      Reply

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