Connecticut Town to Build Country’s First Cell Tower Museum

 

Earlier today anchor Blitz Wolfer of the Crap News Network sat down with Mayor Ragu Macaroni to talk about the Mayor’s plan to build a Cell Tower Museum in Ridgeburyville’s scenic tourist district. This is a transcript of the interview.

BLITZ WOLFER

Mayor Macaroni, thank you for taking time to speak with me. I hope you stay awake until the end of the interview. Some viewers fall asleep from the sound of my voice.

MACARONI

Thank you, Blitz. I just had four cups of coffee and a Red Bull. I’ve got a catheter bag in my pocket, and I’m good to go. I never miss an opportunity to be on TV. And please call me Ragu.

BLITZ WOLFER

Well then … Mr.  Ragu, I understand from your Wikipedia page that you first fell in love with cell towers when you were only twelve years old.

MACARONI

Blitz, it’s just Ragu like the sauce. Yes, it’s true. My passion for cell towers began when I was a child. I’ve read every Telecom comic book:  EMF Glow Kids, Monopole Hulk and the Adventures of Cell Tower Man, to name a few.

I’ve always loved cell tower comic book art and then later, cell tower architecture when I was old enough to appreciate the beauty of those looming metal structures that rival the magnificence of a Calder mobile. The latticework on a cell tower is just as complex and mesmerizing.

BLITZ WOLFER

When will the museum be open to the public?

MACARONI

We’ll cut down some trees, improve some roads then start building the stealth death ray, er tower in several months. We’re hoping the museum will open by the end of 2014. What an exciting venture. The inside will be as thrilling as the outside.

The museum will include a display of 20th Century cell tower designs, a copy of the 1996 Telecommunications Act written by lobbyists, miniature dioramas of blighted neighborhoods with boarded up windows and overgrown yards, as well as interactive exhibits where kids will experience what it’s like to glow in the dark and be able to fry an egg on their heads.

The architectural firm Appalling, Twisted and Toxic (AT&T) has been working up some gorgeous designs like this classic.

BLITZ WOLFER

I understand there’s opposition to the Cell Tower Museum. Some say it will ruin the idyllic beauty of Ridgeburyville, a community that has been called  “… the quintessential New England town! … quaint yet contemporary, historic yet hip.”

Are you concerned the Cell Tower Museum will hurt Ridgeburyville’s tourism business? That the looming structure will tarnish the town’s image, and people will no longer think of it as “hip and quaint?”

MACARONI

Blitz, I don’t care what people think. The museum is funded by private donors. Money and perception isn’t important. Who cares if we lose a business or two as long as my legacy’s intact? My passion for cell tower art will be my gift to the people of Ridgeburyville, whether they like it or not. Look, I’ve been mayor since 1999 and that kind of makes me the king. And Blitz, it’s good to be the king.

BLITZ WOLFER

Well there you have it. Mayor Macaroni’s thoughts on his Cell Tower Museum and the legacy he hopes to leave for his family and the people of Ridgeburyville.

Is anyone still awake in the studio?

 

Disclaimer: This is a fictional news story based upon a real life event, as noted by the related article link. The real story has nothing to do with a cell tower museum, if only that were true.  : ) 

 

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26 Comments Connecticut Town to Build Country’s First Cell Tower Museum

  1. Meleah Rebeccah

    “I just had four cups of coffee and a Red Bull. I’ve got a catheter bag in my pocket, and I’m good to go.”

    BAHhHAhHAhHAHH!

    “I don’t care what people think. The museum is funded by private donors. Money and perception isn’t important. Who cares if we lose a business or two as long as my legacy’s intact? My passion for cell tower art will be my gift to the people of Ridgeburyville, whether they like it or not. Look, I’ve been mayor since 1999 and that kind of makes me the king. And Blitz, it’s good to be the king.”

    That’s funny – because sadly – it’s true.

    People like THAT really think and act and talk like THAT.

    UGH!!!!

    Reply
  2. Ron

    Lauren, this was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    See…this is what I mean again, you are one hell of a writer! Brilliant satire, because what you shared is so TRUE! I can so this on Saturday Night Live!

    “The architectural firm Appalling, Twisted and Toxic (AT&T) has been working up some gorgeous designs like this classic.”

    Bwhahahahhahha! That was faaaaaaaabulous!!!!

    Well done. WELL done!!

    Reply
    1. Lauren

      Thank you, Ron. You made my day! It was a slippery one here. And I’m not just talking about the ice.

      I’m still waiting for SNL to get in touch. Maybe I should camp out in the NBC lobby.

      Reply
  3. Agent 54

    Very nice. I seem to recognize one of those characters. Maybe a relative of someone I know.

    We have faux palm tree cell towers here. They actually don’t look too bad.
    Others are faux pine trees. They’re not as cool.

    Reply
  4. Phil

    4 cups of coffee and a red bull are what I get started with every day!

    I can just imagine this really happening knowing how our self serving politicians work nowadays. It’s bound to happen!

    Too funny.

    Reply
    1. Lauren

      Phil,

      I kind of figured you for a 4 cups of coffee and Red Bull kind of guy. : ) Do you have a catheter bag in your pocket?

      I don’t know why my spam filter hates you. I have to figure out how to put you on a white list. This has nothing to do with political correctness. There are white lists and black lists. If I’ve offended anyone, get over it and listen to Lenny Bruce.

      Reply
  5. QuirkyQuirkster

    Funny! However, maybe the “King” should just cover the metal monstrosity with a huge wooden barrel like the “original” cell tower. Maybe with his picture on it? Or a pic of his catheter? HA!

    Reply
  6. Debbie

    Very witty and clever story! Excellent way to draw attention to the real issue, as well. Kudos!
    (P.S. CommentLuv link not available for some reason 🙁 )

    Reply
    1. Lauren

      Thanks Debbie!!!

      Sorry that CommentLuv isn’t work. I’ll see what the error message is.

      I’m having a lot of problems with the blog. I keep mucking things up.

      Reply
  7. Spencer

    ‘We’ll cut down some trees, improve some roads then start building the stealth death ray, er tower in several months.’

    Yeah…..tower.

    Very hilarious story! Thanks for writing this and sharing!

    Spencer

    Reply
    1. Lauren

      Thanks Cheryl!

      Actually, a cell tower company bought a piece of land in a residential area that abuts my neighborhood. Our town has been strong-arming this, to site a cell tower in our area. Other nearby towns work with their constituents to fight cell tower companies. Our town has welcomed them and has even sought them out. In 2011, there was a town vote to acquire a piece of land for open space with an acre set aside for a cell tower. The people voted it down. The 2011 site was located near the current proposed cell site. Same people involved in past and current deal. DISGUSTING!!!!

      Reply
      1. Cheryl P.

        Any time a utilitarian something goes into a residential area it’s not a good thing for the residents. Water treatment facilities, electrical towers, cell towers…whatever…. aren’t the things that give grace and charm to a neighborhood.

        I would think there is enough places that are “off the beaten path” to put cell towers.

        Reply
        1. Lauren

          Amen to that. It’s a horrible situation made worse by the lack of support by the town council. There are other areas to put the tower. Some of them happen to be in upscale areas with lots of land.

          Reply

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