I’m thrilled to have Ursula Uterus here with me today to talk about women’s reproductive rights.
ME Thank you, Ursula. I appreciate your taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with me today. URSULA Happy to be here. Though, it is a bit bright. Reminds me of my annual checkup. ME Really, the speculum wasn’t necessary. Let’s get rid of the props and get on with the interview. Ursula, in 2011, there were 92 anti-abortion provisions enacted in 24 states. Your reaction? URSULA Lauren, I try to stay out of politics and stick to what I know best, babies. However, after a two-year war on women’s reproductive rights, I could no longer stay silent, sitting in the dark in my one-womb apartment, which incidentally has lovely views of the fallopian canal. ME Is there anything you’d like to say to the GOP? URSULA Do not legislate how to procreate! What about my inalienable rights? The Declaration of Independence railed against King George for…
… opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
Now, I know a thing or two about manly firmness and am a huge supporter of it. But, to those men who also want to insert their beliefs into my vagina, I say, firm up, but shut up! Procreation talk should take place in the bedroom not the boardroom. ME Those are bellicose words coming from such an accepting orifice. URSULA Believe me; I’d rather not waste my time screwing around with politics. But, in bizarro Republican world, the GOP (Gathering Of Penises) wants less regulation for business, yet more regulation for women. I don’t get that. Isn’t it… what’s the word – hypocritical? Talk about forcible rape. Gosh Oh Please! The GOP legislative body has to stop attacking the female body. ME In 2012, 13 states with Republican controlled legislatures have introduced 22 bills requiring women to have an ultrasound before an abortion. 13 states have sponsored a Personhood bill that would define when life begins. Ursula, when do you think life begins? URSULA I have no fucking idea. Certainly, not in a GOP bill. They should keep their pens in the inkwell and stick to issues concerning government, not vagina. ME Ursula, thank you for your candor. I wish we could continue, but I understand you need to attend to a pressing matter. URSULA Yes, I have to resolve several internal problems one of which involves bladder control. Thank you for having me. Hopefully, next time I won’t need a referral from my primary care doctor before stopping by. ME The Internet is considered out of network. Thank you, Ursula, and thank you readers. Please join me for my next interview with a suicidal hangnail.
What say you about women’s reproductive rights?
There’s nothing routine about it.
Also published on Medium.