Recently, after jettisoning from my desktop into cyberspace, Firefox bypassed Google, rerouting me to Internet purgatory, and the message, “Server not found!”
I responded with, “Goddamn it! You lost it again!”
To which Firefox said, referring to itself in third person, “Firefox can’t find the server at www.google.com.”
How could you without Google Maps?
Ignoring my internal babble, Firefox continued. “Check the address for typing errors such as www.example.com instead of www.example.com.”
I get it! I’m not an idiot!
“If you are unable to load any pages, check your computer’s network connection.”
I did. It’s not your fault! But, your condescending attitude
is pissing me off.
So, I unplugged and plugged the router several times and still just had two lousy blinking lights.
It was time to call Comcast.
My conversation with Miss Voice Prompt went something like —
“Welcome to Comcast. Encuentra in Español, diga nueve.”
“Dial the number where you are experiencing the problem.”
Because you know that I’m not using your crappy phone service.
“Dial 1 for high speed Internet, 2 for phone, and 3 for TV.”
Nothing for all of the above?
“If the last three digits of your phone number are 666, press 1.”
I press 1.
“Ah, I see you just made a payment for $150.”
I know. I'm a schmuck!
“An outage has been reported in your area.”
“Our technicians are aware of the problem and currently working to resolve the problem.”
Meaning, they’re sitting on the asses drinking coffee.
“If you have any other questions, press 3.”
Why the fuck don’t I have service? No prompt for that?
Then, the insulting, sarcastic, knife thrust in the brain stem —
“Thank you for your patience.”
To which I replied, “Patience not found!”
Does your wireless service get you wired?