Stiletto Heels or Insoles


"High Heel Shoe. Talon haut. Stiletto. Ta...

“High Heel Shoe. Talon haut. Stiletto. Talon aiguille” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I never wear stiletto heels because I’m a klutz. Going stiletto would trip me up and put me in the ICU. That’s why I wear safe, low-to-the-ground, sensible shoes. If I trip, the possibility of suffering a concussion diminishes by three inches.

As a klutz, I’ve never been much of a shoe risk taker. Because, as every klutz knows, most days we face unprecedented dangers, from walls to dog gridlock and tripping over a shadow; furniture accidents are a constant threat.

My legs wear bruises like purple hearts. Whenever I undergo a physical, my doctor scrutinizes my legs.

I know she thinks, “Her husband beats her.” When in fact, tables and chairs beat me up, yes; smacked around by stationary objects.

I’m not proud of my tendency to lean left, at times I should lean right. But that’s not true of all the issues.

People who know me think I’m a klutz because my mind’s always traveling to exotic places, instead of conducting reconnaissance up ahead. I can’t blame my mind’s proclivity for spontaneous flight for my inability to walk a straight line. Unfortunately, alcohol is never a factor.

I would love to wear three-inch heel stilettos, open in front, with peek-a-boo toes. Then, I’d paint my toenails hot fuchsia pink and wiggle my digits at strangers I pass on the street.

A girl can dream while she’s awake, can’t she?

Sadly, I’m destined to a life with reclusive bland toes, toes that belong hidden below inside the dungeons in my shoes. It pains me to look at them when they’re in need of a trim. If only I could treat them to a pedicure. But taking my toes out would just traumatize a manicurist at a salon.

First, she’d shriek, and then her cheeks would turn a pasty white. While pointing at my feet, she’d scream, “Those aren’t toenails. They’re machetes! Someone call 911.”

That’s all I need – an APB out on my feet, with the warning, “They’re probably hiding out in a pair of Keds.” I hope government spending won’t be wasted on police work attributed to my feet.

I guess I should remove toe pampering from my bucket list.

Even with a toenail overhaul, I wouldn’t make it past the shoe server in a store. My slender, slightly bent Quasimodo toes always instill terror in the eyes of the beholder. One gander at my toes and the sales clerk would be on psychiatric leave.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always had an aversion to toe jam sandwiches.

Over the years, I’ve learned to accept my flat-heeled fate. I’ve already passed the other stages of footwear grief: denial, anger, bargaining. I’m okay with it though. Wearing stilettos will never be a rose-colored glassy-eyed delusion for me. I know that three-inch heels will never grace these cursed feet, along with the stylish glow of the sexy stiletto.

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18 Comments Stiletto Heels or Insoles

  1. Nicky

    Amazingly enough, I am able to wear high heels even though I’m a klutz as well.  It’s baffling, really. I fall more in flats or bare feet than if I wear heels. Someone should do a study.

  2. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

    1. Lauren

      LOL! Maybe being a klutz is an affliction people don’t like to talk about. For me, walking in stilettos would be like walking on a boat during a storm.

    1. Lauren

      Two inch heels are the highest I can go. I like a good clog, too.

      I think there are more klutzes out there but are afraid of being ostracized. Klutzes everywhere need to come out of the closet and admit their inability to fit into the high heel community.

  3. Pingback: Lisa

  4. Pingback: Karen Woodham

  5. Jayne

    I can relate to this.   As we know, I broke my neck falling off a pair of heels and they weren’t even stilletos.   Okay, there may have been some tequila involved…  

    Still I have a couple of pair that I will still venture out on occasionally, but only when I know I’m going to be sitting for most of the night.   And this reminds me, I need a pedicure this week.   😉

  6. ReformingGeek

    I mourn the loss of your stilettos.  They were most likely invented by a man.

    I’m good for about 2 inches.  I’m not willing to risk my neck or any body part trying to make my calves look sexy.  🙂

    1. Lauren

      I think we non stiletto types are indeed in the majority. Safe and comfortable is better than hot and sexy. We’re the ones not hobbling around on crutches.

      I’m a slow writer. I just published my Day 24 post.

  7. Linda Medrano

    Lauren, sit down on the chaise lounge.  Slip on the stilettos.  Read romance novels while sipping your jasmine tea.  Your husband will get the idea and you won’t even have to stand up.

  8. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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