Breaking Banana News: The Awkward Banana Insecurity Crisis

Based on the article “The Awkwardness of the Common Banana” by Lynn Plantain.

"Stop reading over my shoulder!" sai...

“Stop reading over my shoulder!” said the orange. “You don’t have a shoulder,” answered the banana, “cause you’re an orange!” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Often referred to as the “leathery berry” or “elbow of the bract,” the common banana has undergone many changes in cultural perception over the years.

First popularized in slapstick comedy with a near-sighted fool slipping on a banana peel, today the banana is widely known as a healthy monkey snack and tasty alcoholic mixer, resulting in a poor self-image and awkwardness for many bananas.

When asked about the social awkwardness of the common banana, renowned Fruit Psychologist Anita Chiquita lamented on the enhanced public scrutiny of the banana.

“The banana has always been associated with slapstick, monkeys and alcoholic smoothies, which is responsible for the negative exposure that has caused a crisis in the Banana community.

“After a two-year study of the Cavendish Banana, the most common genus of the Banana family, we discovered that more Bananas were uncomfortable in their own skins. When 100 Bananas were asked, “Are you more or less likely to feel comfortable in your own skins, 90% responded that “they were less likely to feel comfortable.”

The results astounded Dr. Chiquita but confirmed the outcome of another recent study on the increase of accidents among the Cavendish Banana population.

Dr. Chiquita explained, “We found that more bananas are intentionally slipping on their own skins. Over the past three years, we monitored a cross-section of adolescent Bananas, after graduating from the produce aisles of major food chains, and found an increase in banana suicides among the bunch.”

The study also indicated that a large percentage of adolescent Bananas were, in fact, “going bananas,” which alarmed Dr. Chiquita, as well as the entire food group community.

“Because they suffer from such a poor self-image, these fruits are killing themselves, some even cannibalizing themselves in banana daiquiris, literally drinking themselves to death.”

With no end in sight to the Banana crisis, Dr. Chiquita warns, “Bananas need to blend in better with their human counterparts by improving their self-image, before they end up as a tropical drink beverage at Hawaiian luaus and college frat parties. Otherwise, we could see a dramatic decline in the common Banana population in the near future.”

Dr. Chiquita called on the Obama administration to pour public funds into a Banana outreach program in supermarkets and fruit stands. “Adding social workers to produce sections will help disenfranchised bananas work out their issues by peeling away their self-doubts and getting to the core of their problems.”

Still, with the dismal results of many recent Banana studies, Dr. Chiquita was somewhat optimistic. “Perhaps, in time, if the correct measures are put in place, there will be a day when all Bananas can enjoy a fruitful existence.”

From the produce department at We Work For Cheese, welcome to day 17 of 30 Days of Writing, a creative writing challenge.

Today’s prompt is “The awkwardness of the common banana”. You can blame the  fabulously sadistic, yet amazingly hawt Ziva for this one. If you’ve got the guts. Enjoy, and don’t forget to  link up at the end of this post if you’ve participated in today’s challenge.

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21 Comments Breaking Banana News: The Awkward Banana Insecurity Crisis

  1. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

  2. Pingback: Karen Woodham

  3. June O'Hara

    Uncomfortable in their own skins…the banana community…a fruitful existence. Love them all. You always come up with such clever stuff!

  4. ReformingGeek

    Snort.  Lynn Plantain and Anita Chiquita sure know their stuff.

    I’m going to go use by banana as a phone now.

    Hello?  Hello?

    On, wait.  Phones are shaped that way anymore.

    Sigh.   I’ll just go for a bit of fried plantain.  Yum.

  5. Pingback: Nikki Davidson

  6. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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