The Case of the Missing Font Family. Hint. The Delete Key Did It!

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes (Photo credit:

Hey, you blanking page. What happened to the Font family?

They vanished somewhere between the margins, their characters decimated by Jihadist spelling terrorists.

Alas, I fear the fragment may be dead, but I can’t find the body of words.

I need an English detective to solve the case – Sherlock Holmes. Prep your pipe and tip your bowler.

Holmes turns to Watson.

“The Delete key killed the words this time, not the Butler.”

Delete key on PC keyboard

Delete key on PC keyboard (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Are you sure, Holmes?”

“Why yes. Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime – no evidence or DNA. Just D.O.A. Yes, I dare say, the delete key is a letter of interest.”

“We should put it under surveillance, Holmes.”

“Quite right, perhaps, a desktop disguised as a potted plant. And it doesn’t need sunlight or water.”

The conjectures stopped there.

Watson and Holmes suddenly left the scene after an incident with the Device Manager, who accidentally ejected them from the case.

Oh, well. The desktop has limited memory anyway. 2.99 Gigabytes that gobble up RAM and fragment jam that get stuck between the CPU and a hard drive.

Who cares? They’re only words and memory of words in this version of Word, an ecosystem of micro bits on the page.

If a biologist were to study the desktop habitat, he would find infinite lifeforms amid the fonts. The most noble one of all, the infamous Font de Leon, a blue-blooded Times New Roman.

With his sidekick Thesaurus, he wanders around the white drifts of spaces in a quest to find the perfect word.

One day, while traveling through the mirage of pages, the Font closed the window and lost his way. There was no turning back and no keyboarding forward. All is lost when there’s nothing to save.

This is the heartbreak of Psoriasis and flaky fingers tapping letters that don’t know an “a” from an “n” but know when a sentence ends.

Meanwhile, the Recount de Calisto hired a courier to hunt down the Algerian, who was seen lingering amid rebellious lowercase letters, along with a petulant typeface that demanded attention in bolded UPPERCASE words.

Big Boned™ Rounded Typeface

Big Boned™ Rounded Typeface (Photo credit: _Untitled-1)

All of the letters promptly disappeared in the quicksand of the document, an accidental demise, and not a felony by the prime suspect, Delete, the key to every crime.

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16 Comments The Case of the Missing Font Family. Hint. The Delete Key Did It!

  1. Pingback: Lauren Salkin


    LOL!   Sometimes, though not often. Delete is more of my friend than an enemy. I smiled all the way through this Lauren! Thanks for the early morning, gotta catch an airplane, lift!

    1. Lauren

      Is that like catching butterflies? Happy trails!

      I actually keep an additional file called “cuts” in case I want to use a word or two.

  3. ReformingGeek

    Hee Hee.  Good one! Sometimes the fonts have flatulence and the Delete key gets constipated.  

  4. Jayne

    Font de Leon!   Love it!   This is so damn clever and funny, Lauren.   But then you always come up with clever, funny stuff.   Thanks for the morning giggles and guffaws!  🙂  

    1. Lauren

      Thanks for the tweet. I wrote this before a writer’s meeting. We did a 500-word swap. We passed our pieces to the person to our left who read it aloud.

  5. Pingback: Jayne Martin

  6. Pingback: Jayne Martin

  7. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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