Teleconfusion: An abnormal condition variously characterized by stupor, stereotypy, mania, and either rigidity or extreme flexibility of the limbs, resulting from watching too much television.
You may have experienced one of the symptoms of Teleconfusion after watching The Apprentice, or America’s Got Talent or the recent season of Survivor.
Symptoms of Teleconfusion
- Restless body syndrome: shifting positions from sitting upright, to prone, to flipped upside down on your head, a different perspective for watching the news.
- Excessive trips to the bathroom to floss and pluck your eyebrows then yell at the glassy-eyed lunatic who stares at you like a pheasant under glass.
- A kitchen safari: searching the cabinets, hunting for comfort foods, Cheerios and vodka, “The Breakfast of Champions.”
- Incessant yammering, the result of mixing sugar and alcohol, unless the blather is emanating from the television and not your sputtering mouth.
- Shaking your head like a bulldog. Drool hangs from your chin, stretching with each back-and-forth motion, a look left toward your husband, cowering on the couch, then right toward a sound bite dive bombing your ear.
The spittle grows to elongated Silly Putty proportions, then snaps, splattering the television, walls and hubby, catapulting him from the couch.
Howie Mandel says, “You are what this show is all about.”
Me? Is he talking to me?
Sharon Osborne adds, “I vote yes!”
To what? Hauling me off in a straitjacket?
Donald Trump sits behind a city block-long conference table, staring blankly with his high-end mug and low-brow talk.
“You know I think you’re great, Lisa. I’m great, too, because I’ve got more money than the U.S. Treasury and look terrific in this Persian rug glued to the top of my head. Lisa, I love you, but you’re fired!”
My right eye twitches. I wanted Lisa to win.
The medics storm the family room with a stretcher and backward-strapped suit.
“Hi Daddy,” I say, with a Cheerio stuffed in each nostril. “Happy Thanksgiving!”
My husband signs the papers. I bark at him like a Schnauzer, as they carry me out the room.
In the distance, Howie Mandel gushes, “Your life will never be the same.”
Howie was right! They locked me up and smelted the key.
Note: Teleconfusion is a word my late father-in-law used to describe the effects of watching crap on television, a medium in which he worked for most of his adult life. He started in radio, directing Arthur Godfrey, and then transitioned into television.