Save the Wealthy – Sponsor a Billionaire!

English: Calouste Gulbenkin, Portugal oil bill...
Image via Wikipedia – I have no idea who this dude is.

After a bad run of luck on Monte Carlo, billionaire Todd Hedrick III needs your contributions to help him get back on his jet again.

For just $200 a week, you can help Todd maintain his lavish lifestyle and recoup the island he lost during a high-stakes poker game.

Todd, like other disenfranchised taxpaying billionaires, needs a warm island to escape to after returning from his ski chalet in Switzerland. His oceanfront estate in Malibu doesn’t offer the same medicinal benefits as a vacation bungalow on Bora Bora.

Every billionaire deserves a month in the sun. A change in scenery helps Todd clear his head of his assistant’s workload, from handling corporate takeovers to finding tax loopholes in the Bermuda triangle.

Isolating billionaires from the masses prevents them from compromising their immune systems, which leaves them vulnerable to catching a 99% cold. It’s critical for the 1% to function at 110%, 100% of the time.

Our billionaires will stay healthy and happy, as long as we continue keeping them at a distance and subsidizing their massive wealth. The economy doesn’t flourish when billionaires aren’t spending money on frivolous luxuries like plastic surgery for their bodies and homes.

Without the 1%, there would be no point at the top of the pyramid, which would ruin the symmetry of the chart.

Everyone knows that you can’t have a top without a bottom. It would be like a luxury liner without a bridge, a high-rise building without a penthouse, a wide-screen TV without a cable box.

Financial inequity is the only sensible solution for economic sustainability, a viable working system in which billionaires control society and the wealth within it. We can’t rely upon the 99% to dictate economic policy when they’re always broke and tired.

The wealthy must continue relegating the tough decisions to their heads of staff, allowing them to remain free-range billionaires, blissfully out-of-touch and unaffected by the declining wealth and financial crisis that plagues the 99%, smooshed beneath masses of ragged bulk at the bottom of the money heap.

Your $200 a week contribution also pays for . . .

  • Ketchup sandwiches for sweatshop laborers
  • Bank fees for offshore accounts
  • Dry cleaning housekeeper uniforms
  • Coat check for high-class hookers
  • Vomit bags for private jets
  • Shoes shine for just one shoe
  • Bus fare for migrant workers
  • Window shade operators
  • Suntan lotion
  • Ski wax

Contact for other ways that you can help the wealthy.

Disclaimer: Todd Hedrick III is a fictitious person and to the best of my knowledge, only exists in my head.

15 Comments Save the Wealthy – Sponsor a Billionaire!

  1. ReformingGeek

    I really hate pyramids with no tips.  They develop identify crises and start thinking of themselves as rectangles or something.  Sheesh.

    I’m sorry.  My $200 is spent on less groceries and gas than I bought last week.

  2. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

  3. Juneohara65

    I LOVE THIS!!! Disenfranchised billionnaires; the pyramid must remain symmetrical. And the vomit bags. Brilliant post.   

  4. Pingback: June O'Hara

  5. Pingback: Lauren Salkin


    You are so funny! You must of snuck this post in when I was looking for my watch!
    I want in on this charity! If the billionaires suffer and lose their islands, what will motivate me to work towards getting mine?

    1. Lauren

      LOL! Just don’t exchange your island for chips at a casino.

      I hope you find your watch. No wonder you have time management issues.

      I just want to visit an island that’s surrounded with water instead of produce.

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  8. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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