Clueless About Remotes

English: Various remote controls fot TV-set, D...

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How many remotes does it take to change a channel?

It depends upon what mode you’re in: DVD, TV, TiVo, or DVR (Digital Video Recorder).

When it comes to remotes, I’m usually in split-spleen mode because my technological knowledge only includes TV on and off, channel up and down and volume loud and soft.

I think TV remote management skills are inherent in the male DNA. I don’t mean to sound sexist, but I don’t know a remote thing about remotes, yet my husband and son do.

My knowledge of remotes is from observing my husband after tossing him the remote following several hours of non-effective button pushing.

After several months of couch surveillance, I’ve deduced . . .

  • To watch a DVD movie, you need a DVD and TV remote plus a DVD.
  • To watch On Demand, you need a cable and TV remote.
  • To watch TV, you need a TV remote.

Using a TV remote should be simple, right. Wrong. Especially, when one of the males in the house sets TiVo to video game mode. You know who you are.

Just trying to coordinate several remotes to work with their respective functions sends my thoughts into a fast forward fluster right before panic sets in, and I think.

What if I accidentally activate the DVD remote while watching TV? Will the remote explode before my head does?

But finding the correct remote doesn’t solve all my problems. Because then, I need to find my remote companion reading glasses to decipher the tiny insect like numbers not meant for the visionally-challenged.

As soon as all my buttons have been pushed, it’s time to gather my minyan of remotes and press the button for TV— Nothing. I press again.

There’s a remote possibility the batteries may be dead.

I get up, walk over to the TV for my daily exercise, and click the button manually. A flash of light. Images wash across the screen.

I tell my husband, “The batteries are dead, Jim,” sort of echoing the words of Dr. McCoy. My husband’s name is also Jim, and coincidentally, he’s a Trekkie.

Regardless, the batteries are really dead.

Please refer to TV remote management 101.

When the AA batteries die, so dies the remote. When the AA battery supply dies . . . you’re shit out of luck.

Precisely the reason two remotes sustained fatalities after I smashed them against a wall. That’s when I called CSI Comcast and asked them to bag the remains.

Do remotes push your buttons?

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23 Comments Clueless About Remotes

  1. Comedy Plus

    I haven’t a clue about remotes.  I don’t watch television (we don’t have television), I don’t watch movies, or listen to music.  So I never worry about the remotes.

    Have a terrific day.   🙂

    1. Lauren

      I wish I didn’t have a TV. They’re loud and obnoxious. When it’s on, I feel like my brain is accelerating at the speed of light (the theory now questionable), while my butt is the fixed point on the cushion.

  2. ReformingGeek

    Oh yes, Lauren.  I hear you loud and clear.  Hubby has programmed a “master” remote and I can barely turn our system on and off.  Heaven forbid if I push a wrong button.

    One of these days, that thing will die a slow, painful death.  C-C-RUNCH!

  3. Miss Lego

    Oh my god,lol, if only all things in life were as easier as picking the right remote when watching TV. You have a create such a phylosophy here, lol, nice work.

    1. Lauren

      Thanks Miss Lego. I don’t know. Picking remotes is as bad as picking weeks, and they’re everywhere! They multiply like Dandelions. Maybe I need a can of Remote Begone.

  4. Linda Medrano

    Girl, I think you are my daughter who got mixed up in the hospital with that other girl.  I cannot for the life of me figure out how things got so complicated.  There’s the Blue Ray, the surround sound, the HD, the this and that and hoochie cooch too.  I cannot figure out how to operate them.  Shoot, I don’t even really know how to change batteries.  Pitiful, I know.  But at least I’m in good company with my new darling daughter who I lost all those years ago and got replaced with a techie girl.

    1. Lauren


      Why did you take home that bed wetter with the big mouth? I waited and waited for you to rescue me from that broad with the pointy elbows. But you never showed up, and you’ve got the better weather on the west coast. Damn!
      Btw, I’ve got the battery thing down and can also change a light bulb.

      1. Linda Medrano

        Sweetie, she didn’t even look like me!  But I figured what the hell.  One little no neck monster or another.  They are all the same.  Sadly, now I find out.

        I’m fine with light bulbs, but batteries confound me.  I’m not technical.  Oddly, my son, (your real brother, the lawyer) is just like you and me.  He can’t do remotes either.

  5. Pingback: Lauren Salkin


    omg, but you make me laugh Lauren! My buttons are so easily pushed these days! From TV remotes to digital menus involving radios and professional ranges, I’d say that I need to be flown somewhere remote….like a beautiful, warm, sunny island in the middle of aquamarine water waters without any buttons, only zippers. Thanks for the really fun laugh.

  7. Juneohara65

    Ah, remotes. I once dated a guy who had so many, and were so complicated, that when I tried to use them, I felt like I was in a cockpit.

  8. Jayne

    I’ve got it down to just to remotes now that I’ve gone with Dish.  The TV and DVR work off one and the DVD player off another, but mostly I just use the one.  I’m sure there are all sorts of bells and whistles on it that will no doubt remain undiscovered, but it functions enough to cover my basic needs and I’m happy.  🙂

    1. Lauren

      If you stare at the television screen long enough, your brain melts anyway. I’d like to toss all the remotes into the compactor.

      Are you enjoying your new place with the stellar view?

  9. Li

    Luckily, I’ve got pretty much everything working off of one universal remote–TV, Verizon box, sound system, Blu-Ray player…  The only problem that I’m having right now is that Verizon sent out a box update that makes their remote necessary (certain functions now require that you use specialized buttons on their remote).  

    1. Lauren

      I’m impressed. I could use an infusion of your left brain abilities. My eyes glaze over when staring at 8-point words with corresponding diagrams. Congress should pass a law criminalizing instructional manuals.

  10. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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