Last week, America’s favorite crazy billionaire uncle, Donald Trump, or “The McDonald,” if you love burgers and clowns, announced his candidacy for President of the United States to a group of bus boys and coat check girls in the back room of Trump Casino.
In a rambling two-hour speech that included staff directives on “shining silverware until he could check his teeth with a spoon,” and heartwarming personal revelations on “how his shock of hair was really an imported Persian rug,” ended the staff meeting by announcing that he would be running for President on the Girther ticket.
Floyd Flummox, who covers national politics for Apathy Press and accidentally wandered into the meeting while looking for the bathroom, asked Trump why he decided to run on the Girther Ticket, a little known wing of the Republican party that believes in trimming the fat from the budget instead of their butts.
In his signature monotone style, Trump told Flummox,“That’s a very good question, Floyd. The fact is President Obama is just too skinny. We need a President with more bulk around the waist, someone you can spot on the ground from 37,000 feet. I’m talking about a large man, Floyd, a man that Spanish space aliens refer to as “un hombre corpulento.” You see, Floyd, we need a bigger ass to fill the seat in the oval office. And I’m that guy.”
Trump then went on to discuss upcoming specials at the Trump Speakeasy in the basement of a Wall Street pub. “If you can beat the house at poker, I’ll give you ten $50 chips, no money down. I swear to God.”
According to Flummox, Trump spoke at length about God and his affect on Trump’s
business Christian values. Flummox cited a recent interview by David Brody of the Christian Broadcasting Network in which Trump spoke passionately about his love of God and classic Christian books.
Brody: I understand a lot of people send you Bibles. Is that true?
Trump: Well I get sent Bibles by a lot of people.
Brody: Where are all those Bibles?
Trump: Actually, we keep them at a certain place. A very nice place. But people send me Bibles. And you know it’s very interesting. I get so much mail and because I’m in this incredible location in Manhattan you can’t keep most of the mail you get.
There’s no way I would ever throw anything, to do anything negative to a Bible, so what we do is we keep all of the Bibles.
It will be difficult for other candidates to trump Trump’s savvy media campaign. Even before primary season officially begins, the Donald has already started making cuts, as it appears he’s playing with only half a deck.