Scientists at Sober Valley Lodge combined Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood and Adonis DNA to create a drug that has been hailed by some former doctors living in Costa Rica as a breakthrough in the field of genetics.
When asked about his contribution to science during an interview with Celebrity Sobriety Magazine, Sheen responded, “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitching, a total fricking rock star from Mars…”
Renowned biochemist Dr. Clown Shoes agreed. “Sheen’s chemical composition is a game changer. It forces us to reevaluate every DNA study to date and frankly defies all earthly biotechnological logic. Sheen may very well be from Mars.”
“It’s baffling” Dr. Clown Shoes continued. “Sheen’s body has withstood sleep deprivation, excessive amounts of cocaine, alcohol, and numerous sexual encounters with hookers and porn stars. I don’t know anyone else who has abused their body to this degree and also survived. Additional tests will be needed to gain a better understanding of Charlie Sheen’s DNA.”
Upon hearing Dr. Clown Shoes’ comments, Sheen added, “… and people can’t figure me out; they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.”
Despite the many questions surrounding the uniqueness of Sheen’s DNA, many scientists are focused on its benefits rather than on what makes actor Charlie Sheen roll. Beijing Psychologist Dr. Yuge Ego has witnessed the effects of Charlie Sheen on patients involved in a clinical trial in a remote spa in Beverly Hills.
“It’s better than Viagra,” said Dr. Ego. “After just several days of administering Charlie Sheen to patients, they showed a marked improvement in self-image, the ability to speak confidently for hours, and an increased sex drive. By the second week, I had to separate the male patients from the females.”
Dr. Ego added, “Currently, there is a promising trial in Las Vegas involving addicts and alcoholics. During the third week of treatment with Charlie Sheen, several patients exhibited no signs of drug addiction. One patient told doctors that all he had to do was “close his eyes and fixed his own brain.”
Celebrity Sobriety Magazine reported that the drug is already on back order and will only be available in chic boutiques in Beverly Hills before being distributed nationally.