Disappearing Jobs Linked to Magic Cape Missing from Homeland Security Rec Room.

Embracing the illusionary powers of magicians Harry Houdini, David Copperfield and Criss Angel, American companies increasingly use magic to make jobs disappear in the U.S. and then reappear overseas.
Frans Hals - Portret van een manImage via Wikipedia 

For several years, economists have blamed the precipitous loss of U.S. jobs on a black magician’s cape that went missing from a classified location behind a soda machine in the Department of Homeland Security rec room. 

Forensic accountant Monet Grubber told the bankrupt publication Unemployment Times “that the black cape sucks money and jobs from the economy like a giant Dyson DC24 and then dumps them into a plastic collection bin that ends up in China and India.”

Back in January 2010, Peoria resident Sara Schmutz, an insomniac and avid blogger, reported seeing Caterpillar CEO Doug Oberhelman dangle a large black cape from his corporate jet while flying below the radar.

Said Ms Schmutz, “It was 3 a.m. I just finished writing a blog post about how my husband leaves his comb over hair in the drain after he showers when I heard the rumble of airplane engines. I looked out the window and saw a plane clipping the top of trees. I knew it was Oberhelman because his jet was flying so low I could see the Caterpillar symbol on the tail.  

“Oberhelman had this twisted look on his face as he uttered the word “abracadabra” into a microphone. Then, I heard a ping and a Google email alert dropped a note in my in box saying that millions of U.S. jobs had vanished.

“Soon after, a loud sucking noise rushed past the house rattling the shutters and shaking the walls. Pictures fell, chairs shifted and I accidentally deleted my blog post. That’s when I really got pissed.”

Later that morning, Americans awakened to a higher unemployment rate, while China and India gained jobs overnight.

Labor Secretary Hilda Solis had strong words for Mr. Oberhelman. “I don’t know how the hell he got hold of the cape. We keep it secured in one of Al Gore’s lock boxes in the basement of Homeland Security. Only the President, Congress and lobbyists know the combination.”

When a reporter from Unemployment Times questioned Homeland Security’s decision to give the combination to Congress and corporate lobbyists, Ms Solis replied; “Well, we had to have a back up plan in case Hawaii’s copy of President Obama’s birth certificate turns out to be a forgery. We drew straws to see who would get the combination and since Congress and the lobbyists had the most straws, they were the obvious choice.”

Since the Hilda Solis interview with Unemployment Times, the location of the black cape remains a mystery, as thousands of jobs continue to disappear from U.S soil.

As recently as January 2011,
AT&T plans to cut 1,600 jobs across the mid-west increasing speculation that AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson has the cape. Mr. Stephenson denied the accusation but would neither confirm nor deny whether he had the combination to the lock box.

Al Gore could not be reached for comment.

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13 Comments Disappearing Jobs Linked to Magic Cape Missing from Homeland Security Rec Room.

  1. Sandee

    I'd laugh at this if it didn't hurt so much. We are so screwed. Just saying.

    Have a terrific day. I'm going to go have a drink now. 🙂

  2. ManOverBoard.com

    Black cape indeed, more like a black cloud, both made in China. Hell why not send all our jobs to China, they own most of our country anyway. Now we see the tip of the frustration being played out in AZ, with the shooting of our elected officials. It's frightening to think where this will all lead us. I feel so terribly bad for all of us, but especially the younger generations who have their whole lifetime ahead of them. If I were to die tomorrow I had a long and interesting life, as Sandee aptly said, just saying……….

  3. Lauren

    Glen: The BMW dealership where my husband works is owned by a Chinese company. The middle class is disappearing and a masters is equivalent to a college diploma.

    I think it's time to do some serious drugs. I'll change the channel and find a drug commercial that lists at least one of my symptoms then order a la carte. No wonder mind numbing drugs are so easy to get.

  4. Snuggle Wasteland

    It's sad and true. My little community is facing the closing of a local factory. It will leave around 500 people out of work and result in a loss of tax revenue for the local schools.

  5. ReformingGeek

    On the positive side, the cape will probably end up being sucked into the engine of a jet, along with its wearer.

  6. Lauren

    Tracie: Is the factory going overseas?

    Reffie: That would truly be justice. The object that sucks gets sucked into oblivion along with the CEO. I love it!

  7. Greg

    That was good! Funny

    Perhaps the black cape was made in China,and will wear out before we lose all our jobs.

    Lets hope. I',m with manoverboard, I've lived a pretty good life, bit really feel for the younger generation, because as far as I can see they have nothing to look forward to.

  8. Lauren

    Greg: Thanks. I was shooting for funny but people seemed to be getting depressed instead. I'm sure the cape was made in China, although it hasn't disintegrated yet, according to a reliable source – a fortune cookie.

  9. Julie from Momspective

    I thought it was funny but I tend to stick to the funny and mentally block out sad things because I'm way too sensitive. I love that she was blogging. I love being a blogger but hate saying I'm one because I feel like I'm vomiting up the word but I can totally associate with losing an awesome post and her saying she was pissed made me giggle.

  10. THE SNEE

    LOL! Now how do the cape crusaders fit into this? Do you think that Batman and Robin are wearing cheap Chinese made knock offs? Monet Grubber seems like the type that just might sell heroes poorly made, expensive capes. You crack me up Lauren!

  11. Lauren

    Thanks Julie. Why do you feel like you're vomiting up the word blogger? Are you eating Wasabi at the time?

    Rebecca: Thank you. I think all superheros wear Chinese made knock offs, except Batman who wears Armani.

  12. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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