For several years, economists have blamed the precipitous loss of U.S. jobs on a black magician’s cape that went missing from a classified location behind a soda machine in the Department of Homeland Security rec room.
Forensic accountant Monet Grubber told the bankrupt publication Unemployment Times “that the black cape sucks money and jobs from the economy like a giant Dyson DC24 and then dumps them into a plastic collection bin that ends up in China and India.”
Back in January 2010, Peoria resident Sara Schmutz, an insomniac and avid blogger, reported seeing Caterpillar CEO Doug Oberhelman dangle a large black cape from his corporate jet while flying below the radar.
Said Ms Schmutz, “It was 3 a.m. I just finished writing a blog post about how my husband leaves his comb over hair in the drain after he showers when I heard the rumble of airplane engines. I looked out the window and saw a plane clipping the top of trees. I knew it was Oberhelman because his jet was flying so low I could see the Caterpillar symbol on the tail.
“Oberhelman had this twisted look on his face as he uttered the word “abracadabra” into a microphone. Then, I heard a ping and a Google email alert dropped a note in my in box saying that millions of U.S. jobs had vanished.
“Soon after, a loud sucking noise rushed past the house rattling the shutters and shaking the walls. Pictures fell, chairs shifted and I accidentally deleted my blog post. That’s when I really got pissed.”
Later that morning, Americans awakened to a higher unemployment rate, while China and India gained jobs overnight.
Labor Secretary Hilda Solis had strong words for Mr. Oberhelman. “I don’t know how the hell he got hold of the cape. We keep it secured in one of Al Gore’s lock boxes in the basement of Homeland Security. Only the President, Congress and lobbyists know the combination.”
When a reporter from Unemployment Times questioned Homeland Security’s decision to give the combination to Congress and corporate lobbyists, Ms Solis replied; “Well, we had to have a back up plan in case Hawaii’s copy of President Obama’s birth certificate turns out to be a forgery. We drew straws to see who would get the combination and since Congress and the lobbyists had the most straws, they were the obvious choice.”
Since the Hilda Solis interview with Unemployment Times, the location of the black cape remains a mystery, as thousands of jobs continue to disappear from U.S soil.
As recently as January 2011, AT&T plans to cut 1,600 jobs across the mid-west increasing speculation that AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson has the cape. Mr. Stephenson denied the accusation but would neither confirm nor deny whether he had the combination to the lock box.
Al Gore could not be reached for comment.