On the back shelf of my musty brain, I found emergency reserves of optimism to keep my thoughts afloat, not adrift, mind you. Otherwise, I’d be doing the doggy paddle in a sewer somewhere with the rats that stole my ego.
I eventually got my ego back, not from the rats. I grew a new one.
The not so secret ingredients. Manure, sunlight and fairy dust.
Thankfully, I wasn’t allergic to manure or fairy dust. I just gagged from the stench. Fairies never bath and to make things worse, flap their wings, so the scent of their body odor wafts throughout the house. Damn fairies.
For months, I had to watch where I stepped. When fairies tire, they sleep where they drop. Contrary to popular belief, fairies do not nap while they flap in mid air. So, walking becomes treacherous for humans (and especially for fairies), trying to avoid the splat of a sprite, only later to find sprite splatter at the bottom of your shoe.
That’s when dogs come in handy. They eat anything that lands on the floor. Every time a dog ingests a fairy, a bell rings because they ate their wings.
This time there weren’t any fairy DOAs to report to the CSI unit (Crime Sirens Investigation). When a CSI unit dusts for prints, the fairy remains scatter and the investigation shuts down.
Luckily, the fairies flourished and my ego grew, as thoughts regenerated, allowing happy go lucky synapses to again frolic in my brain. I just couldn’t stand the noise. Synapses are loud when they frolic. They also order kegs of beer and boxes of pepperoni pizza. Always a big mess afterward. Half-eaten slices of pizza and plastic cups litter the frontal lobe.
That’s when I stop working on my resume and pretend that I’m lying on a beach in Jamaica, drinking rum punch and getting a three-degree burn. I snap back to reality and find that I am in fact drinking a rum punch while being splattered with hot grease from a pan of sauteing meat. I didn’t remember buying the meat, or if there was a car involved.
Too much manure and fairy BO I dare say. I was overcome by the toxic cloud, but my ego now an expert in unemployment roll survival, wore a gas mask and escaped the crippling effects of the shit storm.
I wish I had stepped in it instead.