Egad — I have been Sham-pooed!

New ShampooImage by Cayusa via Flickr

Did you ever notice how many different shampoos there are?

There’s tearless baby shampoo, kid’s fruity banana, strawberry, blueberry, berry berry; shampoo for oily hair, dry hair, normal hair — what exactly is normal hair anyway? —  Shampoo for shiny hair, hair that is damaged, bleached, colored, or has split ends; shampoo with conditioner, and organic shampoo.

What’s so special about shampoo anyway? Most shampoos are 80-90% water with 2-8% detergents and foaming agents and about 1% fragrance and preservatives.

If you ask me, the name should be sham-poo.

The whole sham-pooing process even looks stupid:  pouring a glob of liquid soap into the palm of your hand — there are directions for this — and lathering your hair, or in laymen’s terms, applying the damn soap to your head, then washing and rinsing thoroughly, otherwise you’ll be left with sham-poo residue. 

Liquid antibacterial soap on a person's hand.Image via Wikipedia

What is sham-poo residue? The sham-poo you failed to remove during the rinse cycle.

Perhaps, you didn’t follow the directions and failed to “repeat again.” Repeating again is essential if you want that full-bodied look.

If you can’t have a full-bodied torso, at least you can have a full-bodied head. So, when you step into a room, people will say, “Wow, she’s full bodied,” even if they are referring to your hair. 

Hair should also have a slight bounce to it when you walk. During a bounce, each strand of hair should separate in slow motion revealing clean subterranean strands of hair, thus making you a shoo-in for the visual sham-poo award — a smile instead of a heave.

People will feel safe around you knowing that you sham-pooed twice and followed the directions on the bottle to “repeat again,” which has nothing to do with heaving.

You can spot someone who only washes once. Between 9 and 12, their hair has a nice bounce to it, but after one, it tumbles like a drunken housewife.

Washing and rinsing your hair once leaves you vulnerable to sham-poo residue — white flakes of dry liquid soap that float off your head at inopportune moments.


I’m a recovering sham-poo follicleholic. Once when I placed an annual report onto my supervisor’s desk, an avalanche of flakes tumbled from my head onto the plastic report cover. The walls shook and a loud crashing sound emanated throughout the building.

Several co-workers poked their heads inside the office to see if we were still alive. Luckily, my supervisor and co-workers were unaware of my problem.

Shaking Head
Damn dust bunnies. They’re everywhere. Thank God, they’ll be put to good use.

Motions to box lying on floor labeled, “Place Dust Bunnies Here.”

Apparently, my supervisor’s son’s teacher collected dust bunnies for art projects, and I was able to escape an embarrassing sham-poo faux pas.


When you work in a small office, your hair needs to smell nice, like flowers, perfume, or minty fresh mouthwash.

You don’t want your hair to smell like shit, otherwise, people will say, “Jesus, her hair smells like shit.”

Office managers tend to place workers with bad smelling hair in remote areas of the building, like the supply closet, and instruct those with moderately bad smelling hair to make the supply runs.

This is similar to the scared straight program in high schools across the country.

However, the Department of Health and Human Services recently noticed an alarming trend in the workplace and released the following statement:

“Banishing office personnel to supply closets has become a health hazard, as workers have been hospitalized from overdosing on their own bad smelling hair.”

Of course, it would be easier for managers to simply fire workers with poor hair hygiene but that would be discriminatory. People with bad smelling hair have rights, too, and contribute to our society.

They work in a wide range of fields, such as television production (far behind the scenes), music (you don’t have to smell them when listening to a CD), sales (telemarketing), sports (everybody smells anyway), finance (they’re all stinking rich), and marine biology (something always smells fishy).

If you or a loved one suffers from bad smelling hair, call the sham-poo hot line 1-800-Poo-Hair. Follicleologists are standing by to answer calls on the benefits of good hair hygiene and the disadvantages of self-imposed baldness.

Ask for a copy of the HHS’s free brochure, “Shaving your head to avoid washing your hair would be bad for you and the shampoo industry.”

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21 Comments Egad — I have been Sham-pooed!

  1. Sandee

    I never quite looked at it like this before. Bwahahahahahaha. Now I know the truth.

    You have a very sick sense of humor. I like that.

    Have a terrific day Lauren. 🙂

  2. Julie from Momspective

    I know one thing, my salon shampoo makes all the difference in the world. I had my hair fried my a stylist and nothing I was using made a difference until my new stylist recommended one of the salon shampoos. It smells awesome and my hair is *sing it8 FABULOUS!

  3. Lauren

    Julie: I would love to have hair that makes me sing. I've got to buy the cheapo brand until our bank account turns to black. Right now it looks like a crime scene.


    Heeha, heeha, That's donkey for you crack me up! I am in total agreement with your shampoo assessment which is why I now spend a fortune on a new gimmicky shampoo for curly hair heads(like me!)named Diva Curl…I use their product-line called, No Poo…no kidding! Thanks for the laugh Lauren.

  5. Ziva

    You mean to tell me there are people who don't actually repeat? Are they trying to be gross?? My hair regime is very strict: Pay $30 for a smallish bottle of very good shampoo, probably made with endangered yak's hair and the tears of a fallen angel. Lather, rinse, repeat. Finish the rinse by using ice cold water so as not to leave the hairs vulnerable from the warmth. Wrap in the softest towel, must be white. Sacrifice a chicken. When hair is not dripping wet anymore, apply root boost to the roots, apply heat protection to the lengths, apply volumizer to entire hair. Stand on one leg while praying to the Hair Gods. Blow dry in small sections, brushing the hair against the natural direction of hair growth for maximum volume. Resurrect chicken and use blood for a beautiful shiny finish.

  6. ReformingGeek

    Ok. Ziva's comment was remarkably close to the truth. YIKES!

    Never, ever, ever, use a NON-shampoo product on your hair.

    Not that I would know.

    Never use a combination body soap/shampoo product. You will have to turn in your lady card.

    Always shampoo before shaving your head.

  7. Carl

    Hi Lauren…Yes yes..The shampoo isle looks like a fruit salad..I never quite got it..I am hard pressed just to get something that is not fruit or flowers..haha

  8. Lauren

    Snee: Ha! Is it called Diva Curl or No Poo? If No Poo, I'd double check the ingredients.

    Ziva: Wow! That is a really strict hair regime and time consuming. I don't think I'd have time in the morning to whack a chicken before I jumped into the shower.

    Reffie: LOL! Turn in your lady card. I use real shampoo, in fact it's called, "Real Shampoo." Really! It's foamy and smells like dishwasher detergent. It might also be a floor wax.

    Carl: I get my fresh fruit in the shampoo isle and my shampoo in the produce section. It's all so confusing.

  9. Lauren

    Steven: Then you don't have time for time-intensive chicken mutilations in the a.m. either. I saw dead chickens. Unless wow is the Tibetan word for yak hair.

  10. THE SNEE

    Hi Lauren, because talking shampoo is so scintillating and shiny, the brand is Diva Curl. There are two types of products in this line…low poo and no poo….and maybe just plain poo. No additives, no build-up…so they say. heehee

  11. Lauren

    Snee: I love it! Diva Curl with low poo and no poo. Have you read the six-point print on the bottle? No build-up. Hope you never need a plunger.

  12. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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