At a recent meeting of the Shrunken Shrinks Alliance, a radical splinter group of the National Psychiatric Association, keynote speaker Dr. Stanley Turdgarden passively-aggressively shocked psychiatrists by revealing how he first discovered the correlation between storm and psyche.
“… When news of a hurricane hits the airwaves, my phone never stops ringing, and quite frankly that depresses me,” said Dr. Turdgarden. “… Just knowing that I have to drive 30 miles to my office every day when I could be out lounging by the pool is a real downer.”
Afterward, Dr. Turdgarden told Headcase Daily, a weekly email subscription service, “The rise in patient visits can be attributed to lightning crashing into low hanging cumulonimbus clouds. It’s like hitting your head on a cabinet door that was left open. When the two fronts collide, they create an electrical imbalance in the air, as well as in the sensory area of the brain and then people don’t know WTF to think.”
He went on. “Many people struggle with thoughts like, ‘Should I be happy that it’s finally going to rain and turn all the brown grass in the yard green, or should I be sad that there’ll be more grass to mow?’ It’s natural for folks to be confused under such adverse weather conditions,” said Dr. Turdgarden.
“I, for one, don’t know whether I should be watching HBO or Netflix during a storm, unless of course there’s a blackout, and then I’ll be watching the insides of my eyelids,” he laughed, and then stopped to reflect for a moment before continuing. “That’s interesting. I said whether you know like the weather. I wonder what that means. It might have something to do with my mother sending me out to play during a blizzard when I was a kid.”
Dr. Turdgarden offered this advice to the public. “During hurricane season, folks should avoid listening to weather reports or any weather-related news and instead start drinking Mai Tais at 10 a.m. That way they’ll stay off the roads and out of the rain. A nice tropical island delusion works wonders in times of duress. Fantasizing about swimming in warm aquamarine waters during a tropical depression is like taking a psychotropic drug without all the side effects.”
Dr. Turdgarden is counting down the days to the end of hurricane season so that he can scale back his schedule and spend his time doing what he loves best. “In the fall, after the damn phone finally stops ringing, I can get out onto the golf course again and start hitting some balls.” As an afterthought, Dr. Turngarden added, “That sounds so Freudian.”
Members of the Shrunken Shrinks Alliance agree with Dr. Turdgarden’s findings and intend to publish a paper on the storm-psyche phenomenon later this month despite outrage from the National Psychiatric Association. When asked about the NPS’s reaction to the paper, one SSA spokesperson said, “We hope the whole thing blows over.”