When Reality Bites You in the Ass and You Can’t Bite Back.

-Back to Work Back Post-

I went back to work on Monday and haven’t had time to write. As soon as I strike a balance between reality and the virtual world, I’ll start sloughing the mind flakes.Until then …


How blogging saved my mind but not my 401K.


After being jobless for almost a year, tomorrow I will once again be jobfull. A culture shock waiting to happen due to my previous limited conversational choices, which included the characters in my head and virtual blogging friends. I know you’re all real!

Spare us the sentimental crap and continue detoxing your brain.

When I lost my job, I also lost my self-esteem in addition to a steady paycheck, excluding the unemployment checks that paid for Macaroni and Cheese and ketchup, the affordable vegetable alternative.

Blogging saved my brain from frying like an egg sputtering in bacon grease. Remember, a mind is a terrible thing to waste unless you’re Hannibal Lecter. Then you eat every last bite.

I eventually found my self-esteem on an obscure shelf in the family room in my house where I also found my car keys. Now I can drive again with confidence. Parking is another story, as mentioned in an earlier post called Women better at parallel parking baking dishes in ovens than cars on streets. I know. Shameless self-promotion, but it is relevant. Sort of.

For months, I searched the hallowed halls of my head and house for my shiny ego that had ejected from my brain. It took five months to notice it radiating from the shelf, slightly tilted right against the Titanic DVD. No wonder I kept rearranging the deck chairs, while the birds evacuating the feeder left good luck droppings on my head. Thank you, birds. Not! Lice ridden rats with wings. Oh, that’s right. Those are pigeons. These birds are just lice ridden and shit a lot.

As I lifted my ego from the shelf, it looked up at me and smiled. Maybe the Lysol fumes fogged my head. We embraced, my ego and me, and then I promptly slipped it back into my brain. It was easy, like replacing a lithium battery. I could breathe again, as soon as I passed through the Lysol cloud that hung above the kitchen compactor. Compactors transform trash into manageable messes. Don’t you know?

The darkness finally went away. Oh, that was night. I could get on with my life, take showers, and send out resumes in confidence, knowing that Job seekers now outnumber openings six to one.

Hearing those numbers was equivalent to having a lobotomy.

Six months after finding my footing – it was icy outside and the wood floors slippery inside – I found a job, which brings us back to Doe, not Doh!

Stop it!

It brings us back to the beginning of this abomination. I’ve got to wrap this up before y’all go away. They say that people nowadays have a really short attention . . .   Sorry.  I got distracted by my own bullshit.
Tomorrow, I begin a new day with the blare of my alarm clock set to heart attack mode and then segue into lunch that will now last an hour instead of an afternoon. And Oh? Did I mention that I will be paid with real money and not Entrecard credits?

Time will now be a valuable commodity. When you have too much time, its worth becomes devalued. However, the blog does not stop here. I intend to keep writing the wrongs and posting regularly, as long as I keep eating my blogger bran and don’t fall asleep in my Macaroni and Cheese still left over from the case that sits shuddering on the shelf in the dark in the bowels of my evil kitchen. I wrote about scary food, too. You probably remember Cook’s Crypt. How could you not? I keep dredging that one up from the cellar.

From the bottom of the likely clogged arteries of my heart, I thank you all for reading my maniacal ramblings. This is not good-bye. This is good God. How am I going to get up at 6 a.m.?

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13 Comments When Reality Bites You in the Ass and You Can’t Bite Back.

  1. Mrsblogalot

    Hey Lauren,

    Congrats again on the new job! I'm so happy for you!!!

    And you know what I hate more than 6am?….5am!!

    These "am's" must be stopped I say!

  2. Leeuna

    This is wonderful news, Lauren. I'm happy for you. I hope you enjoy your new job, but I hope you'll still find the time to keep us entertained with your fabulous wit.

  3. Ziva

    Congratulations on the new job, I'm so happy for you! Don't worry about getting up at 6 a.m., by the time it's 6 a.m. you'll have been awake for hours already, because you went to bed way too late and couldn't sleep because you were too worried you'd oversleep. Then you'll of course be exhausted all day and take a nap in the afternoon, which will mean that you go to bed way too late again and be even more exhausted the next day. But you'll definitely be up at 6 a.m., and that's what matters.

  4. ReformingGeek

    Congrats on the new job…..I think.

    I'm so sorry about the O'Dark-O'Clock TAPS.

    Drink plenty of wine the night before. That should help.

    I love your comment about "extra" time becoming devalued. That is so true. When you work, you don't have time to do anything. When you don't work, you have time but no money to do anything.

  5. Lauren

    Mrs. B: Thank you.I agree. The "am's" must be stopped. God must be a morning person.

    Leeuna: Thank you so much. I'm working on finding a balance. Right now the fat kid is sitting at the opposite end of the seesaw.

    Thanks Ziva: I'm exhausted just thinking about getting up at 6 a.m. It would be great if they could ditch the "a's" and "p's"(not to be confused with the supermarket chain), create an opposite universe of parallel "m's," and call them m&m's because they taste good.

    RF: LOL! O'Dark-O'Clock TAPS. It's sounds like a horror movie. My God! It is a horror movie. Thanks. You're right. Wine always helps but whining doesn't. Go figure.

    My husband and I are taking our son to college tomorrow. Will be blogging later in the p.m. in empty nest mode.

  6. Greg

    Congratulations on the new job! Hope everything works out well for you! Keep writing though i always smile when reading your posts!

  7. JD at I Do Things

    Awesome post. It made me hungry for brains.


    "Did I mention that I will be paid with real money and not Entrecard credits?"


  8. Lauren

    Thanks Greg. I'll find the work, home, blogging balance eventually. Maybe I just won't sleep anymore.

    Hi JD: Thanks so much. : ) There's nothing like a bowl of sweetbreads in the a.m. with fruit and bran. Yuck!

    You can't even buy Baltic Avenue with Entrecard credits.

  9. thedickdujour

    Congrats on the new job! Blogging kept me from losing my mind after I was diagnosed with cancer. Keep up the good work.

  10. Lauren

    DD: Thank you. Really appreciate that. We all need something to keep us from going crazy. I'm so glad you find blogging as therapeutic as I do. It lifts the fog from the brain and turns darkness into light. You always make me smile. Thank you.

  11. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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