Secret CIA Program Found in Cheney’s Pants.

posted in Politics on by
Official portrait of Secretary of Defense Rich...Image via Wikipedia 
More dusty words from the back of the blog shelf. 
Sun July 12, 2009
 
My spin on the article: 

Limited public appearances while Cheney was still in office tied to secret program. 

Earlier today, an anonymous source told the Washington Retro Times, “It all makes sense now. Cheney intentionally scaled back his public appearances to avoid bringing attention to the bulge in his pants – an encrypted wireless device used to gain control of George Bush’s brain.”

The Times reported that the clandestine program went by the code name, “Walk like a duck,” and ran concurrently with the other secret counterintelligence program also withheld from Congress. CIA Director, Leon Panetta wasn’t surprised. “Now we know why Cheney always had that pained expression on his face.” said Panetta. “He was carrying a load in his pants.”

The startling revelation continued to rock Capitol Hill late this morning and prompted Democrats to call for an investigation. “If it’s true that Cheney secretly controlled George Bush’s brain for the past eight years, it’s a game changer,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “We need to know who was really running the show.

“It also raises complex constitutional issues that I would not touch with a 10-foot pole or any other European national. In particular, I’d like to know why Cheney never put that wireless control of his to better use during those God-awful State of The Union addresses broadcast on every—single—station.

“Instead Bush could have been transmitting HBO or Showtime, something a hell of a lot more entertaining than that drivel on Niger and yellow cake. You see, it really all comes down to personal taste. And I happen to like my yellow cake with chocolate frosting.”

President Obama was more pointed in his comments. “As a constitutional scholar, I have to say that these revelations are deeply disturbing. To think that for eight years the Vice President of the United States wirelessly controlled the President’s brain with a device hidden inside his pants is astounding and frankly makes me ill. It also explains a lot about the glitches in George Bush’s speech patterns.

“Apparently, there aren’t enough hot spots in Wyoming.” The President added. “At this time, I would not rule out the appointment of a special prosecutor. This matter requires further investigation. There’s a strong possibility that Vice President Cheney might be hiding other things in his pants. Maybe, we’ll finally find those weapons of mass destruction.”

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham disagreed. “I think Vice President Cheney was right to keep it in his pants. When you have a device that is so highly sensitive and technically sophisticated as an encrypted wireless remote drive you have to keep it under wraps.You just don’t know who could get their hands on it.”

Vice President Cheney could not be reached for comment. Though, one of his aides issued the following statement: “You idiot. I told you I had nothing to tell those ass-wipes. Don’t’ write this down!” Vice President Cheney later retracted his statement and then proceeded to shoot the aide in the face. The aide is said to be recovering at a veterinary facility somewhere in South Texas.
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8 Comments → Secret CIA Program Found in Cheney’s Pants.

  1. Ziva

    OMG, why didn't anyone realize this sooner? It makes perfect sense; of course George Bush's brain was secretly controlled by the buldge in Cheney's pants. Now we just need to figure out in whose pants Sarah Palin left her brain.

    Reply ↓
  3. Francis R. Barbour

    So that explains what Monica Lewinski was looking for in in the Oval Orifice? She was just searching for Hillary's remote! ;0)lol

    Reply ↓
  4. Lauren

    Francis, you are brilliant! Now we know who really wears the pants in the Clinton household. I guess Hillary loses the remote a lot.

    Reply ↓
  5. Ivy

    This explains so much! I think it also answers how Cheney could shoot his friend in the face at point blank. Bush must have had one of his own independent thoughts and it rattled… well, you know.

    Reply ↓
  7. James MacAdam

    Genius, Lauren! What other secrets are waiting to be discovered in "Richard's" pants? Wait, I'm not sure I want to know…

    Reply ↓

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