Confessions of a Serial Plant Killer

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~This is the third day of my incarceration in a maximum-security garden center. The florist glares at me from behind a bouquet of thorny roses, and she thinks I’m the dangerous one.

I think we’re both the same, but she’d disagree. She cuts off the stems of plants. I cut off their heads. They look better that way.

If only I didn’t get caught beheading a purple begonia in my neighbor’s front yard. I didn’t see the camera hidden inside a Lawn Gnome. I never liked Lawn Gnomes, with their evil little grins and pointy hats.

At least I had the pleasure of seeing the begonia’s head fall before they took me away. Begonias are smug, gnarly-looking things. I’d do it all over again.

The plant police picked me up just a little past noon while I plotted my next crime, kidnapping an Orchid from a greenhouse down the street. The ransom money would have paid for an electric hedge cutter I had been saving up to buy. Damn Lawn Gnome!

They came for me while I stood in the back of my house holding a plastic bag and a roll of duct tape. They were dressed in green jumpsuits and drove a golf cart overrun with vines. They dropped a net over my head and then walked me down the driveway. As the wind picked up, I heard a broken shutter bang against the house. It reminded me of snare drums at an execution.

The horticultural shrink asked me why I enjoyed killing plants, although, she had her own theory. She thought it had something to do with the first time I got poison Ivy. I scratched for days and had to go to school covered with calamine lotion. The kids called me pinko the clown and threw erasers at me. But the shrink was wrong. They always dig too deep into the dirt for answers and just end up with mud.

It was simpler than that – green Jell-O in fact. I was forced to eat the stuff when I was a kid. My mother said that it was good for me because it was green like the grass. Just looking at the stuff made me retch. But she used to make me eat it any way, while she knelt at the edge of the garden shoving plants into the dirt.

So, I gagged on green Jell-O, as she buried plants in the ground, leaving their perky little heads above soil pointed toward the sun, while I faced downward upchucking Jell-O into a dark empty pot.

That’s why I did it, because of the green Jell-O and all the hype about photosynthesis, which has nothing to do with cameras and everything to do with air. I’d rather suffocate while taking pictures of decaying plant corpses, with tangled roots and shriveled flowers, laying in the back lot of an abandoned nursery.

But that’s a conversation for another day with the horticultural shrink. What’s the point any way? They’ll never rehabilitate me. Plants are dirty green things and should never see the light of day. They should stay buried beneath the ground in the dark where they belong along with green Jell-O.

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10 Comments Confessions of a Serial Plant Killer

  1. mommapolitico

    I, too, am a serial plant killer. Admitting it is the first step, they say. Actually, I do fine with vegetables. Anything you can grow and eat, I am good with. But I can't keep a flowering plant alive to save my life.

    I think we need an online support group. Care to join me?

    Fabulously funny post, as always, Girlfriend.

  2. Lauren

    Thanks, what's your name? Definitely would join an online support group with you to help stem our desire to maim, murder, and torture plants. Many of my victims die from dehydration.

  3. ReformingGeek

    Oh, my. I must hide this post from my plants. The poor things may kill over by association, though. Or maybe it's the 105 degree temps.

    If only your mom had introduced you to jello shots. Just think how differently your life would have turned out.

    Take your meds and take a nap. Do not touch any plants. Do not even think about blooms or stems.


  4. Lauren

    LOL! RG. Yeah. Jell-O shots. That would have brightened my dark side.

    "Do not even think about blooms or stems."

    Not even the stems on champagne glasses?

  5. Ryhen

    Cruelty to plants, I see. You're lucky there are only groups who are against people who do crazy things to animals. I could be wrong though, so you should be careful.

    So, you mean you don't eat your vegetables?

  6. Lauren

    Ryhen, Occasionally, plant activists throw green paint at me at garden centers. Since we all know that ketchup is a vegetable, I do eat that even though it's red. I actually love vegetables even if they're green. Sorry Kermit.

  7. ChrisJ

    Folk wisdom has it that stolen plants grow better. Maybe you could scale back your felonies to "grand theft plant" and have a garden to boot? 😉

  8. Lauren

    LOL! Chris … And strip the plant parts to sell on the black market? I wonder what I could get for the petals?

  9. Ivy

    I just pass the buck onto the wildlife surrounding my house. We have a trio of delinquent groundhogs who manage to eat all of the flower buds as soon as they pop up. So I have an out…. thankfully!


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