Companies Hiring Monkeys Instead of the Unemployed

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey...

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey (Cebus albifrons). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Well, now you may be out of luck unless you love a good swing on the vine.

Back in 2009, companies began hiring trained monkeys to fill empty job slots instead of unemployed workers, a practice that Jillian Hand Human Resources Manager for LockJaw Industries has found to be quite successful.

“Monkeys can learn repetitive actions just like humans but don’t require bathroom breaks or lunch hours,” said Ms Hand. “Sure they fling their feces when someone approaches a desk. But that’s why we teach an in-house clinic called “The Artful Dodger.”

“In fact,” Ms Hand continued. “Monkeys are the ideal employee. They always remain at their desk, as long as their workspace includes a vine and a bin of bananas. Monkeys never talk back, chatter away happily while they work, and don’t require raises or bonuses. They are model workers.”

Ms Hand also admitted that during job interviews, monkeys were easier to handle than unemployed job applicants.

“When dangling a job like a carrot in front of an unemployed worker’s nose, they lunge for it over the desk, upsetting pencil cases, papers, as well as stacks of cash used as bait.” We found that hiring the unemployed was bad for company morale because they’re so desperate. They pout and moan while riding the elevator, have dark rings under their eyes, and often smell like beer.”

LockJaw Industries is the pioneer in hiring monkeys and more companies may soon follow.

Temporary Agency Recruiter Miles Dirtwad agrees. “It’s definitely a trend worth watching. Lately, I’ve been placing more chimpanzees than humans for data entry and mail room positions, as well as jobs that require filing and running personal errands. Monkeys can hand deliver an interoffice memo much faster than humans. Sometimes monkeys show too much excitement by jumping up and down and screeching but employers love their enthusiasm.”

Other recruiters believe that hiring monkeys is bad for the economy and the reason for such high unemployment numbers. Mary Marcus of the Tickle Temp Agency is infuriated by the practice.

“As long as companies keep hiring monkeys to fill empty job slots and not unemployed workers, the job market will be a zoo. The jobless will continue camping outside my door crying and leaving tissues in the hallway. Sure monkeys are crackerjack typists but they’re terrible on the phone, and companies also have  seen a rise in their cleaning bills. And what about the price of bananas? The practice of hiring monkeys will not last forever.”

Jillian Hand did express some concern after a crowd of monkeys met after work at a local hang out called “The Cage.” One monkey carried a sign that said, “Yes, we want more bananas.”

She shook her head. “I hope this was an isolated incident. We had to fire the monkey. He’s back at the zoo flinging feces at people that get too close to the cage.”

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9 Comments Companies Hiring Monkeys Instead of the Unemployed

  1. mommapolitico

    I kinda wondered why people always say, "It's a jungle out there," but Lauren, you've made it all crystal clear! Hilarious. You've got a gift, Girl.

  2. Tracie

    Hmm. I've got a couple of monkeys at my house and they don't do anything but make more work for me. Maybe they need a better trainer.

  3. Lauren

    Heidi, Thanks so much. This is really what I strive to write. Got to keep practicing.

    Tracie, I think most monkeys would remove the papers from a file and toss them like feces. Be glad that your monkeys at home don't do that. : ) You've trained them just right.

  4. Ryhen

    Monkeys…hmm… I think there's a lot of things that we can learn from these folks. In my case, I think of them whenever I allow my thoughts to go berserk. Btw, I take it, from the tone of your post, that the employment situation there is getting worse, yes?

  5. Lauren

    Yes, it has, Ryhen, Actually, this post was based on an article I read on CNN. It said that some employers will not hire the unemployed just because they are out of work. Maybe I should have provided some backstory. I did link to the article in the headline.

  6. Leeuna

    What a mess. I read the article on CNN about employers not considering anyone who is unemployed for a position. That's just stupid. I think the monkeys should run the companies. Sounds like they might have more sense. Makes me just want to fling monkey poo at them.

  7. Lauren

    Leeuna: I've been flinging monkey poo at a fan for months. Maybe that's not the way to go. Note: Fling monkey poo at CEOs and CFOs omit fan.


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