While searching for jobs on Monster.com, HotJobs.com, or Craigslist.org, I always stumble upon job descriptions with spelling mistakes or over-the-top requirements. So, I’ve compiled a list of those jobs and have categorized them by market.
Agency Account Executive for Stand-up Comedian
- Boutique agency and marketing services firm is lost without you. Well, not really. It just seems that way. – Ha!
- great creative instincts (perhaps even a creative background) – ROFLMAO!
- Responsibilities range from helping to prepare client presentations, to managing projects, to working with vendors, to washing windows (OK, no window washing – unless that’s your thing). – Stop it! Stop it! You’re killing me.
- A college degree is mandatory, preferably from a highly-regarded school – BWAHAHA!
- Salary and benefits are competitive and a bonus, based on performance, may make the total compensation package beyond competitive – Beyond competitive … OMG! Hilarious.
- Tell us why you’re the best candidate for this job and … maybe it will be yours. – I just peed myself laughing.
Superheros Wanted!!! (Account Executive)
- Welcome! Currently searching for a few select self motivated superheroes, pirates and the occasional villain to join our elite team.
- All superheroes ARE self motivated unless you include Popeye. Someone always had to shove a can of spinach down Popeye’s throat before he would save Olive Oyl. As far as pirates and villains are concerned, pirates have peg legs and wear a patch over one eye, and villains have thick handlebar mustaches. Do you really want to project that image?
Wanted: Personal Assistant Part Time
- Must have above average SALES and NEGOTIATING skills – Can you buy a cow with a bushel of corn?
- Must also have your own laptop and Internet service in your own home. – I do, but what about you?
QUICKIE JOB MART
- PT RECEPTIONIST – INTERVIEWING TODAY!** – Tomorrow, you’ll be shit out of luck.
- ENERGY COMPANY/ ONLY 3 POSITIONS LEFT – Make that two!
- IMMEDIATE HIRE – Too late! You missed it!
- NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY AS WE WILL TRAIN YOU – We’re experts in mind control.
- FOR INTERVIEWS CONTACT SAM I am. I love green eggs and ham.
SPECIALTY EMPLOYERS In Store Demonstrator
- Food Demonstrators should have the ability and desire to create an exciting, warm, fun, and friendly shopping environment. Must be familiar with food.
- Needed: A part-time front desk manager to work evenings and weekends at a busy tennis club. Must speak english.
- Once you understand the meaning of these words, start reading them aloud. Congratulations! You are now speaking English and are qualified for this job; however, the employer is not, as the word English should always be capitalized.
Heathcare Order Processing – For Damaged Heath Candy Bars?
- If you are energetic, career-driven, and motivated to provide a high level of customer service in a team-based environment, then we want to hear from you! Otherwise, we do not.