Migrating Lawn Gnomes, Grass Goblins or Lawn Pets?

I first learned about the problem of migrating lawn gnomes from Reforming Geek, who mentioned it in her recent post Of Winds and Wings and Bluebonnets! Thank you, RF, for your tireless, selfless efforts to warn gardening junkies like me of the hazards that lurk in our gardens.

THE LAWN GNOME: THREAT.

You’ve seen them crouching in the grass with sly grins on their sinister ceramic faces. Seemingly motionless, they lurk quietly waiting for unsuspecting victims to trip over their pointy little heads and take a header in the grass or worse step on their ceramic gnome droppings.

Yes, I’m speaking of the most horrific natural crisis to affect Americans since Canadian geese – Migrating lawn gnomes.

They’re everywhere. On your neighbor’s lawns, patios, and front steps or hiding beneath the hedges. Despite their grotesque appearance, danger they pose to lawn enthusiasts, and ability to multiply faster than Kate Gosselin, lawn gnomes continue to flourish in suburban and country areas because the hazards of lawn gnome ownership remains a silent problem.

Yes, we citizens and neighbors have not spoken publicly about the lawn gnome threat, tolerating their presence in much the same way we tolerate our neighbor’s kids running amok in our gardens, trampling our begonias and smushing our tomato plants before the deer have had a chance to feast upon them.

THE LAWN GNOME: HISTORY.

Lawn Gnome historians distributors have traced their American roots scraps back to 1892 when these ceramic creatures sailed the Mayflower and landed on Plymouth Rock, after first being introduced into Britain in 1847 by Sir Charles Isham, some chap I never heard of.

Before arriving in Britain, earlier in the century, lawn gnomes enjoyed years of decorative domicile decadence in France as well as Germany, where the first known gnomes were discovered in a small town called Gräfenroda {Gra-#@!%}. Other historians’ have traced the gnomes to Poland where they once frolicked in meadows and drank from fountains filled with Poland Springs, until they were trapped and sold as lawn pets to French and British consumers.

In 1997, the plight of the lawn gnome spurred the creation of a French civilian brigade known as the Garden Gnome Liberationists Front (GGLF), an angry group of ceramic do-gooders who banded together and stole the gnomes from neighboring lawns then released them into the wild. Years later, a GGLF splinter group in Barga, Italy, established the first European Gnome Sanctuary.

From The Barga News:

“For a number of months gnomes have been moving into a small valley in the Province of Lucca in Tuscany, Italy. … Most have decided to settle in the town of BARGA, where they have found a sympathetic population known as BARGHIGIANI who are not only prepared to tolerate the gnome way of life but are even prepared to protect it! … We are proud to announce the first European Gnome Sanctuary here in Barga. … Life here is protected, no more small garden prisons, no more torture (the strimmer [i.e., motorized weedeater] is a thing of the past here in Barga).”[16]

THE LAWN GNOME: SOLUTION.

Despite their illustrious notorious history, the underlying threat of lawn gnomes cannot be ignored. I, for one, can no longer tolerate wasting time waiting for hundreds of lawn gnomes and their gnomelings, to waddle across a road, one behind the other, in a long, never-ending line that stretches on for miles, days, and sometimes weeks. I am sick and tired of scraping gnome droppings from the bottom of my shoes and tripping over their pointy little heads hidden in the grass.

That’s why I’m a proud sponsor of the non-existent gnome remover, www.awaywithgnomes.com, another fine product from the folks at www.awaywithgeese.com, which is real, like a gnome, however the gnome product is not.

For lawn gnome disposal, place it in a plastic trash bag, twist tie it shut, before inserting into a garbage can, then cover. Shattering a gnome in a controlled detonated blast in an abandoned airfield is also suggested but not encouraged, or crushing it in a compactor until it silently squeals.

Disclaimer: This site does not endorse the destruction, deriding, or defamation of lawn gnomes. Nor does it support lawn pet gnome rescues or subsequent releases into the wild, although it is a proponent of lawn gnome birth control solutions and products.

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7 Comments Migrating Lawn Gnomes, Grass Goblins or Lawn Pets?

  1. ReformingGeek

    That was great! Gnomes Be Gone. No more messes. I love it.

    Get thee to a Gnomery.

    😉

    Reply
  2. Will

    Hi Lauren.

    Really interesting,actually the first gnomes were made by a fellow called Philip Griebel in the ceramics town Gräfenroda in the region of Thüringen early 19th Century.
    He used to make garden animals and he came up with the idea to make gnomes based on old legends tales.Tales who had there origine in Cappadocië Turky around the 1300.The Turkes used Pigmy slaves to work in the mountains here's apictureshowing them working in the mountains.
    On another note there's a Canadian gnome who got in the news last year after traveling the world and sending pics of himself to his worried owner.Then one day he re-appeared.
    Have a great day!

    Reply
  3. Lauren

    Hi Will: As usual, thank you for the informative comment. I had originally expected to write a short piece but there was so much information on lawn gnomes. I had to write a longer piece. I'll have to read about the Canadian gnome. Thanks again. I always appreciate your great comments.

    RG: Ha! Glad you loved it. I didn't realize that there would be so much to write about. Thanks again for the idea.

    Reply
  4. Paul Blanchard

    Ok, that was wonderfully insane… Or, a serious warning I should take heed of…
    Well done on spreading the word either way 🙂

    Reply
  5. Ziva

    I happen to know that lawn gnomes are an old KGB way of spying on America. Every evil little gnome as a bug and transmitter inside of it, and the only way to get rid of it is to fit it with a pair of cement shoes and take it for a swim.

    Reply
  6. Lauren

    Hi Paul,
    Sorry for the late response. I'm glad you liked my gnome expose. : ) We all have to be careful before they start taking us aboard the gnome ship and experimenting with our heads.

    Hi Ziva,
    A fitting end for those lawn maggots. What a brilliant plan. Who'd ever expect that those manical ceramic creatures were pawns of the KGB.

    Reply
  7. Kevin

    Well researched and finely written article full of useful info.Quite helping. Well-done , its a great job done by you. Hope you pop over with more useful blogs. Thumps up. Many thanks for sharing this.

    Reply

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