When You’re RosettaStoned.
(with THC Tombstone Technology)
Do you pay hundreds of dollars for just a two-minute dialog with an expired relative (always check the date of sale)?
With a RosettaStoned Memorial, you pay a one-time fee for unlimited calls to the dead and a lifetime of memories. Disclaimer: weed not included.
Warning: It may take longer to establish a connection to Hell, as you may experience interference from uncontrollable dark forces. Occasional fire and brimstone incidents have also been reported.
The RosettaStoned collection of meticulously crafted memorials, with revolutionary microchip technology and unlimited data storage, includes an accessible biographical database of the deceased from birth to death – too much information. I couldn’t stand listening to that old sod when he was still breathing.
You’ll be amazed by the collection of never-before-seen photos of the dearly departed, some of which you may want to avoid completely, as well as intimate recordings of dead relatives greeting a loved one as he/she passes over to the other side into the After Life Club where Happy Hour lasts an eternity – open bar and free hors d’oeuvres offered until mourning.
SAMPLE AUDIO RECORDING OF A DECEASED MEET-UP:
“Ned! Is that you? You look a bit pale.”
“Yes, mamma. It’s me, Ned, and I’m dead.”
“Tell me something I don’t know. You were dead to me years ago. You free-loading son-of-a-bitch. Oh that would be me.”
“Aren’t you glad to see me, mom?”
“Sure. Just don’t get too clingy like some of the other spirit trainees. They just don’t know when to stop hovering, or worse, don’t go rogue on me like my friend Ida’s distant cousin from Miami Beach.
She had to miss two Mahjong games because her cousin kept trying to return to earth for an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Olive Garden.”
With a RosettaStoned Memorial, you’ll be able to access audio recordings of poignant afterlife conversations, check up on Aunt Sadie’s (once a card-carrying Buddhist), progression to Nirvana, get updates on her reincarnation ETA date, and find out the life form she will be inhabiting.
A RosettaStoned Memorial is easy to use and offers incredible results. Pressing the pentagram symbol activates the THC Tombstone technology that brings a loved one back from the dead (kind of, sort of) in stereo surround sound and hi-def color. (not really). It’s the THC.
Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to hobnob with folks down under or up above for just the same cost as a vacuüm cleaner, (death tax not included although the sticker shock will likely kill you). Someone has to pay.
Isn’t it time to honor your stone-cold beloved with a RosettaStoned Memorial. Because life is too short, other cell phone plans don’t cover calls to the beyond, and minutes never last an eternity.
Contact RosettaStoned Memorials today, say hello to grandma tomorrow, and find out what’s happening with the other DOAs.
Disclaimer: Some memorial databases may not be accessible until you are completely shit-faced. If you are still experiencing difficulty after seeing laser lights emanating from your fingertips, speak to one of our RosettaStoned Memorial Advisers, dressed in an overcoat and sunglasses. They will be able to assist you in finding your happy place, so that you can reconnect with your sweet old Aunt Aida or creepy uncle Ned.
Rosetta Stoned Memorials –
For dead beats and deadheads.
A shout out to Will at The Many Faces of Spaces for sending me the link to the RosettaStone website. The Many Faces of Spaces is one of the most unique/bizarre websites in Cyberland. You’ll find great blog fodder there. So surf on over to MFS, unless you have the ability to Will yourself there – Pun intended – And ogle all the oddities. There are plenty to see. Thank you, Will.