Talking to the dead has never been easier . . .

When You’re RosettaStoned.

(with THC Tombstone Technology)
Bowl of clouds / CC BY 2.0

Do you pay hundreds of dollars for just a two-minute dialog with an expired relative (always check the date of sale)?

With a RosettaStoned Memorial, you pay a one-time fee for unlimited calls to the dead and a lifetime of memories. Disclaimer: weed not included. 

Just press the pentagram symbol on your Lifeless Enabled Cell phone (LEC), plug your headset into the USB port on the headstone, and in the time it takes to say ten Hail Mary’s, you’ll be speaking to your dearly departed Uncle Ned from his beach condo in Shangri-la.

Warning: It may take longer to establish a connection to Hell, as you may experience interference from uncontrollable dark forces. Occasional fire and brimstone incidents have also been reported.

The RosettaStoned collection of meticulously crafted memorials, with revolutionary microchip technology and unlimited data storage, includes an accessible biographical database of the deceased from birth to death – too much information. I couldn’t stand listening to that old sod when he was still breathing.

You’ll be amazed by the collection of never-before-seen photos of the dearly departed, some of which you may want to avoid completely, as well as intimate recordings of dead relatives greeting a loved one as he/she passes over to the other side into the After Life Club where Happy Hour lasts an eternity – open bar and free hors d’oeuvres offered until mourning.


“Ned! Is that you? You look a bit pale.”

“Yes, mamma. It’s me, Ned, and I’m dead.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. You were dead to me years ago. You free-loading son-of-a-bitch. Oh that would be me.”

“Aren’t you glad to see me, mom?”

“Sure. Just don’t get too clingy like some of the other spirit trainees. They just don’t know when to stop hovering, or worse, don’t go rogue on me like my friend Ida’s distant cousin from Miami Beach.

She had to miss two Mahjong games because her cousin kept trying to return to earth for an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Olive Garden.”


With a RosettaStoned Memorial, you’ll be able to access audio recordings of poignant afterlife conversations, check up on Aunt Sadie’s (once a card-carrying Buddhist), progression to Nirvana, get updates on her reincarnation ETA date, and find out the life form she will be inhabiting.

A RosettaStoned Memorial is easy to use and offers incredible results. Pressing the pentagram symbol activates the THC Tombstone technology that brings a loved one back from the dead (kind of, sort of) in stereo surround sound and hi-def color. (not really). It’s the THC.

Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to hobnob with folks down under or up above for just the same cost as a vacuüm cleaner, (death tax not included although the sticker shock will likely kill you). Someone has to pay.

Isn’t it time to honor your stone-cold beloved with a RosettaStoned Memorial. Because life is too short, other cell phone plans don’t cover calls to the beyond, and minutes never last an eternity.

Contact RosettaStoned Memorials today, say hello to grandma tomorrow, and find out what’s happening with the other DOAs.

Disclaimer: Some memorial databases may not be accessible until you are completely shit-faced. If you are still experiencing difficulty after seeing laser lights emanating from your fingertips, speak to one of our RosettaStoned Memorial Advisers, dressed in an overcoat and sunglasses. They will be able to assist you in finding your happy place, so that you can reconnect with your sweet old Aunt Aida or creepy uncle Ned.

Rosetta Stoned Memorials –
For dead beats and deadheads.
The ultimate in long-distance communication to the beyond.

A shout out to Will at The Many Faces of Spaces for sending me the link to the RosettaStone website. The Many Faces of Spaces is one of the most unique/bizarre websites in Cyberland. You’ll find great blog fodder there. So surf on over to MFS, unless you have the ability to Will yourself there – Pun intended – And ogle all the oddities. There are plenty to see. Thank you, Will.

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16 Comments Talking to the dead has never been easier . . .

  1. Lauren

    Paul: In that order?

    Personally, I would just cuss Hitler out and tell him what a spineless, heartless, soulless little man he was and that he deserves to die a million deaths for every innocent person he killed.

    As for grandma,I would apologize for not calling her back before she had a stroke.

  2. Paul Blanchard

    Well, you'd have to be careful. It would be rather awkward if you got the two mixed up…
    Not, I imagine, that that's ever been a real concern for anyone…

  3. Anonymous

    Hi Lauren,

    A friend of mine came across your blog and directed me to it. You'll have to play the Twilight Zone theme song as you read the similarities between us! My name is Lauren, my last name starts with "S", I'm a writer, I use Thinkspin as part of my email address, I'm in the process of starting a blog–although its title will not include 'thinkspin', I live in the New England area same as it seems that you do…. Wow, is all I can say.

  4. Lauren

    Wow! My life is full of bizarre coincidences. I'm beginning to believe that I was born in the Twilight Zone. I wish you hadn't commented anonymously. Please send me an email.

  5. Will

    Hi Lauren.
    Finally have a bit of time between cooking supper and the dishes .lol
    I don't know if i would like to talk to some dearly departed i guess not it would just reopen old wounds no matter how good the sound quality.
    And just recently i read about a pet cemetary who will take now also their masters ,now that's a good idee ,but do you buy a coffin or a basket?
    I was sorry to hear about your job situation hopefully it will be solved quickly .
    Just think if they let go off you then they did not deserve you in the first place.

    Every thing in life happens for a reason i always say.
    Have a great week and thanks for stopping by.

  6. idifficult

    I'm terribly sorry, your Auntie Rosie cannot come to the phone right now as she is completely drunk. Please leave a message after the bleep. *bleep*

  7. ReformingGeek


    Oh my, my. I'm not so sure I really want to know..

    Wait. Dad? Mom wants to know how much duct tape to use on the fender and where did you hide your cash stash?

  8. Lauren

    Thanks Will. Your wife is so lucky. I think being buried with your pet is as repulsive an idea as stuffing it. The only command you could use would be, "play dead." Thanks for the tip. I'll check it out.

    idifficult: There's nothing worse than having to listen to a drunk, whiney ghost complain about the transparent souls she meets in purgatory.

    RF: You are so funny. Sorry about your dad.

  9. Mr. Stupid

    Wow. Another treat to all those people who tried hacking their Uncle's Email Account but couldn't. Maybe, now they can ask him the Password! LOL
    BTW, do they have connectivity in Hell? (Teeth)

    Have a great day…:)

  10. Bonehead

    Awesome! Not that there's any dead people I'm that interested in talking to (well, maybe Don Knotts) but perhaps this explains all those bizarre late night calls I keep getting from old girlfriends trying to confirm that I've gone to hell.


    I have no idea where you come up with some of the thoughts that swirl in that mind of yours, but I love them. I myself will be waiting for the blue tooth version, i hate bending down unless of course there is a pair of lips waiting for a good kiss 😉

  12. Lauren

    J: You are too funny. I guess I'd like to talk to Groucho Marx.

    Glenn: Really appreciate your comment. There will always be a pair of lips waiting.

    Jonathan: Before including a link to your site, it would be appreciated if you would comment on the post you read.

    Comments are everything. When you link without first establishing a relationship with a blogger, it is considered spamming. Thank you for stopping by. Sorry for the lecture.

  13. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

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