Sherlock Holmes: The Bra Burglary or Lifted off the Rack.

trying a maternity bra on head and finding it ...Image by upthestick via Flickr

Holmes:    Pacing. Well, Watson, it seems that the six bras were last seen hanging from the rack in the laundry room, where Dame Worthington still searches for her undergarments.

Watson:   Clears his throat. Bras, sir?

Holmes:   Bosom braces, Watson. Those confounded female contraptions with padlock clasps in the back.

Watson:    Ah, mammary clamps.

Holmes:    You could say that, Watson, or Tit Slings, Booby Baskets, Der Floppem Schtoppems. Whatever you call them, Dame Worthington’s bras are quite unique.

Watson:    How so, Holmes?

    Holmes:    They lift and separate in addition to holding the front line firm against invading enemy forces.

      Watson:    Enemy forces?

        Holmes:    Yes, Watson, an enemy so diabolical, so horrible, I get sick every time I utter the word – Gravity!  He wipes his brow.

          Watson:    My God, Holmes, not Gravity.

            Holmes:    I’m afraid so, my dear Watson. In fact, I believe that Gravity is the prime suspect here. Poor Dame Worthington has been castlebound since the bras went missing. Gravity is preventing her from leaving her home.

              Watson:    But why, sir?

                Holmes:    Well, when unbridled, breasts can become highly dangerous weapons that can take out an eye or render an unsuspecting passerby unconscious. Watson, I’m afraid we have a code DD catastrophe on our hands of incredible proportions. You see, this was not the first bra complaint to hit the wires. It appears that Gravity is attempting to keep middle-aged women everywhere from leaving their homes.

                  Watson:    Not their homes, Holmes?

                    Holmes:    Yes, indeed. We have to help these women, prevent them from becoming objects of public ridicule, from being called names, like Dangling Participle Lil, Flopsy Wopsy, Swing Low Flo.

                      Watson:    We’ve got to make a quick bust, sir. The cougars won’t stay locked in forever. They need to prowl the college bars and fraternity houses; otherwise, I dare say what will happen next.

                        Holmes:    Yes, Watson. We must find the bras before Gravity does the unthinkable.

                          Watson:    What’s that, sir?

                            Holmes:    Develops disposable floor cleaning pads for excessively droopy boobs.

                              Watson:    God save us all!

                              Foot in the mouth note: I wrote this after several of my bras went missing. As of this moment, I have still not been able to locate them.

                              8 Comments Sherlock Holmes: The Bra Burglary or Lifted off the Rack.

                              1. ReformingGeek

                                Oh dear. Have you checked Hubby's secret hiding place? You might also want to check his iphone for photos.

                                Just a thought….

                              2. Mrsblogalot

                                LOL! God save us all is right! You don't see anyone worrying about droopy man breast Swifers do ya?

                              3. Bonehead

                                My wife generally frowns upon my use of creative descriptive terms such as those you've included here for her brassier collection, so I simply refer to them by their technical term – fun bags.

                                I'm just guessing here – but if you notice a man in a burberry hat and coat wandering your neighborhood – you might want to inquire about your missing items.

                              4. Lauren

                                RG: Good idea. I'll check the sock drawer then the ipod.

                                Mrs. B: I think man boobs are still a stigma despite Seinfeld's "Bro" episode. Though they are not to be ignored. No matter how hard you try. You're right about the man breast Swifers. At least they don't have to worry about hair sprouting from chins and Groucho eyebrows.

                                Ha, J. Actually, we had a recent alert from the neighborhood watch group, a lady walking her dog and a stay at home mom, about a man digging in snow in someone's front yard. Maybe he buried the bras.

                              5. Adrienne

                                Okay that's weird because my panties go missing ALL THE TIME. I don't get it. My husband denies any involvement in the disappearance of said panties.

                                Good luck finding them. Bras are expensive.

                                I'm part of the welcoming committee at The SITS Girls. Don't be a stranger!

                              6. ceemee

                                My brother's household have encountered underwear thieves and it sure needs some detective work! Hope you find them. I like this post!

                              7. Lauren

                                Thanks, Me-Me. You, too. Have a great weekend.

                                Adrienne: Thanks so much. Check your husbands sock drawer. I wonder if other women in the neighborhood are missing bras or undergarments. I just started a new job and have been zonked. Will try to make it over there.

                                Ceemee: Thank you so much for swinging by here. What is it about missing undergarments? It seems to be prevalent.

                                Something we'll never see on CSI Miami: bra corpses lying on pavement outlined with chalk. Hope to see you and Adrienne again.


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