Cover via Amazon
REPLACING THE DECK CHAIRS.
After being jobless for almost a year, tomorrow I will once again be jobfull. A culture shock waiting to happen due to my previous limited conversational choices, which included the characters in my head and virtual blogging friends. I know you’re all real!
Spare us the sentimental crap and continue detoxing your brain.
When I lost my job, I also lost my self-esteem in addition to a steady paycheck, excluding the unemployment checks that paid for Macaroni and Cheese and ketchup, the affordable vegetable alternative.
Blogging saved my brain from frying like an egg sputtering in bacon grease. Remember, a mind is a terrible thing to waste unless you’re Hannibal Lecter. Then you eat every last bite.
I eventually found my self-esteem on an obscure shelf in the family room in my house where I also found my car keys. Now I can drive again with confidence. Parking is another story, as mentioned in an earlier post called Women better at parallel parking baking dishes in ovens than cars on streets. I know. Shameless self-promotion, but it is relevant. Sort of.
For months, I searched the hallowed halls of my head and house for my shiny ego that had ejected from my brain. It took five months to notice it radiating from the shelf, slightly tilted right against the Titanic DVD. No wonder I kept rearranging the deck chairs, while the birds evacuating the feeder left good luck droppings on my head. Thank you, birds. Not! Lice ridden rats with wings. Oh, that’s right. Those are pigeons. These birds are just lice ridden and shit a lot.
As I lifted my ego from the shelf, it looked up at me and smiled. Maybe the Lysol fumes fogged my head. We embraced, my ego and me, and then I promptly slipped it back into my brain. It was easy, like replacing a lithium battery. I could breathe again, as soon as I passed through the Lysol cloud that hung above the kitchen compactor. Compactors transform trash into manageable messes. Don’t you know?
The darkness finally went away. Oh, that was night. I could get on with my life, take showers, and send out resumes in confidence, knowing that Job seekers now outnumber openings six to one.
Hearing those numbers was equivalent to having a lobotomy.
Six months after finding my footing – it was icy outside and the wood floors slippery inside – I found a job, which brings us back to Doe, not Doh!
Stop it!
It brings us back to the beginning of this abomination. I’ve got to wrap this up before y’all go away. They say that people nowadays have a really short attention . . . Sorry. I got distracted by my own bullshit.
Tomorrow, I begin a new day with the blare of my alarm clock set to heart attack mode and then segue into lunch that will now last an hour instead of an afternoon. And Oh? Did I mention that I will be paid with real money and not Entrecard credits?
Time will now be a valuable commodity. When you have too much time, its worth becomes devalued. However, the blog does not stop here. I intend to keep writing the wrongs and posting regularly, as long as I keep eating my blogger bran and don’t fall asleep in my Macaroni and Cheese still left over from the case that sits shuddering in the dark on the evil kitchen shelf. I wrote about scary food, too. You probably remember Cook’s Crypt. How could you not? I keep dragging that one out of the cellar.
From the bottom of the likely clogged arteries of my heart, I thank you all for reading my maniacal ramblings. This is not good-bye. This is good God. How am I going to get up at 6 a.m.?
Congratulations Lauren!!!
Whoohooo real cashola for your very valuable time!
Nothing like getting paid to make others rich…oh sorry, I mean nothing like a fulfilling career (-:
Your mind and body will adjust don't worry! The very real snooze button is a friend.
Good luck tomorrow !
Good Luck tomorrow. I'm told you will adjust but if/when I re-enter the full-time workplace, I know I'll be dying by the end of the day!
Paychecks are a good thing. Enjoy!
Thanks, Mrs. B: I'll try to remember about the snooze button. Sigh! If only Entrecard credits were worth more than the dollar.
RG: Thanks!!! I better bring along survival supplies, like a coffee mug and chocolate. Hope you find something soon.
Congratulations and good luck! I'm sure you'll do great. Don't forget to come back and keep us up to date when you can!
Lisa @
All That and a Box of Rocks
Congrats Lauren..Leave the snooze alone 🙂 Good luck tomorrow!!
Congrats on your new job!
…can't wait to know what happens in your workplace . Good luck!
Congrats to you. Have fun tomorrow…:) Good luck!
I hope you have a great day at your new job! Here's hoping there's lots of blog fodder at the office.
Hi Lauren.
Good luck with your new job.
I just hope it has nothing to do with cooking ,unless you're catering for Sarah Palin?Grinn
Greets from sunny Belgium god i love those chocolates but my doc won't agree .lol
Will.
i don't know HOW you are going to get up that early. i would rather poke out my own eyes with the business end of a toothbrush.
first time visitor, love your writing style -realizing sounds cliche and complete bs but in this case actually true -i like your humor
and one of my followers mentioned you but now escapes me as to who that was
I hope your first day back was a good one! I've forgotten what the alarm clock actually sounds like but will be reminded very early Wednesday morning.
It's a good week for employers – they've added some creative people to their staffs!
Lisa: Thanks for much. Will definitely keep coming back. Off today due to the snow.
Carl: Appreciate it. First day was like being on the front lines of battle.
Kasa: Hopefully (or not), I'll have some interesting tales to tell. Still love your blog posts about work.
Mr. S: Thanks so much.
Tracie: Yep. Should be plenty of blog fodder. When you're sitting in a house alone, there's not too much to write about.
Will: Ha! Thank you.
Speaking from the Crib: Thanks so much for stopping by. Appreciate your kind words. Yes, it's time to poke out the eyes and eardrums.
J: Yep. You are absolutely right about it being a good time for employers. Good luck to you!
Congratulations and good luck! I’m sure you’ll do great, haha 4 years ago