For a year my very generous Uncle Sam, who is on my mother’s side, has been supporting me financially. He took pity upon the fact that I lost my job and have to sit home all day euthanizing resumes and cover letters that have been condemned to die by my shredder, who I fondly refer to as The Terminator.
I am not the only work depraved soul supported by my uncle. There are thousands of us; all distant cousins living in other economically depressed areas of the country where the dollar, as well as the unemployed, exist on a diet of Macaroni and Cheese and prescription drug cocktails.
These distant relatives of mine, who also have lost their jobs, sit at home staring glassy-eyed at the job boards on their computer screens, and shake their heads in disbelief, as I do, at the limited choices available on the job menus.
Perhaps Monster.com and Yahoo! HotJobs should hire a food consultant and model their job boards after a diner menu, which always has a large variety of items to choose from, in addition to offering customers flexibility in ordering foods from other time zones, as was the case when a Japanese tourist ordered Belgian Waffles in New York City at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
As generous as my Uncle Sam has been these past twelve months, he recently warned me that in several weeks he will stop sending me checks, which up until now have been tax free. The other bad news. Uncle Sam will be taking back a portion of the money he had deposited electronically into my bank account. My Uncle Sam is such an Indian giver, when in fact, he’ll be taking it back.
Yes, my beloved Uncle Sam will soon be cutting me off and leave me flapping in the wind, like damp laundry on a fraying clothesline. But there is still hope for my cousins and me, who are just two clothespins away from being whisked away by the wind and then dumped on a pile of battered bonds and shriveled stock certificates. Yes, we can use our ingenuity, creativity, and street smarts, if we can still recognize a street after being housebound all this time, by becoming entrepreneurs and selling our homes, our belongings, our children, our dogs on EBay. A cash only deal to ensure that my Uncle Sam doesn’t take a huge percentage out of the Monopoly money I earned from a recent sale of Boardwalk and Park Place.