CSI Kitchen: The Cook that Slaughtered the Sauce.


My reputation for crimes against cooking precedes me, as I recently discovered that my name is on the FBI’s No Fry List. Whenever checking out at the supermarket, I’m dragged out of line, patted down, and then interrogated in the meat locker.

The evidence of my atrocity is displayed in the above crime scene photo taken shortly after I murdered a pot of sauce. There will be no services held for the sauce, as it was cremated at the time of death, which was Wed, Jan 21 @ 7 p.m. EST. Please send flowers and condolence notes to Ragu.

The Prosecution’s charges against me:

Leaving the scene of the crime: 
I ran from the room while the sauce slowly burned.

I recklessly endangered the life of the sauce before leaving it to die.

Negligent Homicide: 
I unintentionally scorched the sauce beyond recognition. It had to be identified by the label.

I grabbed the Ragu from the shelf while it stood among seven sauce siblings.

Aggravated Assault:
I slaughtered the sauce with a black market burner I purchased over the state line.

Currently, I am under house arrest and have been ordered to remain at least thirty-feet away from the kitchen. 

In a previous post entitled Cook’s Crypt, I wrote about the evil that lurks in my kitchen and how my kitchen has it in for me. (The sauce also had it coming!) So, naturally I can’t help but wonder if there are other culinary dysfunctional people like me. Please indulge me by stating who you are and how you’d answer the following question.

Do you prefer to make sauce or to get sauced?

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21 Comments CSI Kitchen: The Cook that Slaughtered the Sauce.

  1. Paul Blanchard

    Brilliant… Tragic though 😛
    I'm on a similar list, except I'm not allowed near children, farm animals and certain rock formations…
    Pasta cooked in vodka is the way forward, you know…

  2. Lauren

    ReformingGeek: I choose just to get sauced. The cooking part drives me to drink.

    Paul: I guess you can't go wrong cooking pasta in Vodka unless you drain the bottle before making the sauce. Which rock formations and farm animals are you supposed to avoid?

  3. Tracie

    When I was 16 I worked at McD's and the owner ordered me to "just get the hell away from" the french fry machine. Naturally, your 'no fry zone' cracked me up.

    Getting sauced is always preferable to making sauce.

  4. Mr. Stupid

    FBI's "No Fry List" HAHA that was funny. Now I am the third person saying that.
    I am glad it ended with just house arrest… lol
    Have a wonderful day and hope the Sauce will forgive you…:)

  5. shanaz

    Ha ha ha Ha. Hilarious post. Getting sauced while making sauce in reality is just too messy for me. I'd rather the sauce is sauced on the next innocent person who wanders into the kitchen and laugh out loud.

    Don't you worry, the next time you're allowed to roam the cooking area, there would be other sauces to murder. =D

  6. Will

    Hi Lauren.
    The FBI's "No Fry List" my better half is on that one also.
    She can manage to burn even boiled water.Even Saddam didn't have such evil sientists.lol
    No sause is ment to simmer for a couple of hours like "La Mama" did it in the motherland.lol
    It needs love and patience something most modern women don't have in the kitchen.
    That's why the best cooks are men.lol
    Have a great day!

  7. Name: Holly Bowne

    Well, I do prefer to make the sauce, although I've had my own er…incidents with cooking of late. I'm not exaggerating when I say I've set off the smoke alarm five times in the past two months. Not good. Nope. Not good.

  8. Lauren

    Hi James. Thanks!!!

    Tracie: What did you do to get banned? Actually, it was probably a smart thing to do whatever it was. I do better at getting sauced, too.

    Thanks, Mr. S. Nope. The sauce was a DOA. Never even had a chance to whisper, "I forgive you," before being soldered to the bottom of the pan.

    Welcome, Shanza. Thanks!!!. Every time I open the cabinet the jars of Ragu shudder.

    Me-Me: Then you have the same problem I have at supermarkets and specialty food stores. : )

    Will: I feel your pain because I know the pain I inflict on my poor husband and son's stomachs. My husband is also a better cook than I am. When my husband and I first started getting serious, I took a cooking course called, "How to boil water." I was the only one in the class that burnt it.

    Yikes, Holly. Setting off the smoke alarm five times in the pst two months. Does it hang directly above the stove? : )

  9. Lauren

    Thanks!! : ) I needed that after a frustrating day of trying to find someone to speak with at the unemployment office. I don't think they have any warm bodies there.

  10. Bonehead

    I would have come to tell you that I thought this was a very funny story earlier – but I'd had my own accident with the sauce 😉

    Have to agree with everyone – "No Fry Zone" was a great line!

  11. Lauren

    Thanks J. Sorry to hear about your accident. Did you know that most sauce accidents happen in the home?

    Hi Nancy. Thanks!!! Sorry that you've had a few kitchen felonies. I hope you're not on the lamb.

  12. Pingback: Lauren Salkin

  13. Nick Davison

    Hmmm, It certainly appears to be DOA.
    Being an experience investigator of culinary homicide, I can inform you that the cause of death was almost certainly overexposure to heat.

    I saw a similar fatality the other day when I started playing call of duty whilst cooking a cherry tomato and pesto pizza 🙁

    1. Lauren

      hahhahha! But, have you ever exploded a potato in the oven? That happened to me, too. Another food fatality. I’m suprised the food police haven’t sent a CSI (Culinary Scene Investigation) unit to my kitchen.

      1. Nick Davison

        Nope, but I remember my sister putting a tin of beans in the oven when she was young (unopened), then explaining to my parents she was making “baked beans”

        Once my parents found out that the tin was currently sitting unopened on the middle shelf of the oven at 220 degrees celcius, there was somewhat of a panic, and we rushed to disarm the device before it detonated and took the oven door off.


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