YOU MAY BE MENOPAUSAL IF . . .
• your head is so far up your ass you need Google earth to find it
• you weep uncontrollably during pharmaceutical commercials at the recitation of possible side effects
• a glass of Pinot Noir tastes like fermented cow dung
• you regard flowers and other visually pleasing objects as satanic cryptograms
• when a neighbor says, “Hello,” you think she is being facetious
• you can hear a pin drop
• at night, you think the sun is intentionally snubbing you
• when your husband says, “Just relax,” you want to crimp his noise hairs with a curling iron
• you believe that a fine wine is an unearthly moan
• when you’re at the library, you think people are whispering about you
• you watch the news to cheer yourself up
• you think the supermarket cashier is carding you because of the cooking wine and not the bottle of beer you just opened with your teeth
If you suffer from one or more of the above symptoms, maybe it’s time to ask your doctor about Menointerruptus, the pill that prevents you from being a pill.
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