A list of incendiary vices
Prescription drug commercials about digestive or urinary problems, skin conditions, depression due to said conditions, or erectile dysfunction med symptoms that cause erections to last longer than 72 hours, sudden blindness, insomnia, and incessant howling at the moon.
Squeaky supermarket carts with broken wheels stuck in a perpetual right-hand turn behind old ladies with blue hair.
People listening to new and archived voice mail messages on speakerphone in the dressing room next to mine.
Drivers that use the brake and gas simultaneously while driving on dry, level grading.
Being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic behind a hot dog truck when I’m starving.
Losing my car keys and finding them in the refrigerator.
Losing the milk and finding it in the car.
Trying to negotiate my way barefoot through a dark room with shards of dog bone fragments scattered
across the floor.
Stepping barefoot in dog puke and having to hop all the way to the bathroom at the opposite end of the hall,
only to find that the door is locked.
Not being able to read anything without glasses and because of it . . .
- Setting the oven to 450 degrees instead of 350 ergo blackened meat loaf a la residue.
Reaching for a dishrag with wet hands and find that it is not there. It is across the room on the kitchen table with
the other dishrag that went MIA two days ago.
Not being able to find my glasses on my nightstand or anywhere else since I need my glasses to find my glasses.
Waiting for a gaggle of geese and extended family to cross the road, so they can poop on my lawn.
What makes your head explode?