Over the years, the styles of bongs have changed but the consistency of bonging hasn’t.
After 150 years of bonging, Big Ben still stands straight and tall, a prominent fixture of the London skyline along with the fog that engulfs it. However, the chemistry of fog, long determined to be a natural phenomenon of London’s atmospheric conditions, is in fact, anything but natural.
British Meteorologist, Lenny Loo, explains. “It’s astounding quite frankly. The fog isn’t caused by atmospheric changes, as first thought, but by smoke being emitted from Big Ben’s bongs.” Loo continued. “We began to study the fog phenomenon because whenever the fog rolled in, we’d get the giggles and munchies, and the line at the fish and chip’s joint would wrap around the block. Then some bloke commented on the pungent odor in Trafalgar Square and how all the pigeons were flying loopy, so we started taking samples of the air. We were shocked at the results. The atmospheric resin levels went through the roof, or in this case, the cumulus clouds.” He snickered.
The incredible revelation on the chemistry of London’s fog was published in the July issue of the Meteorologist publication, Weather or Not, the swimsuit edition, and caused shock waves throughout the community. One noted Meteorologist, Perry Puffweed said, “I thought there was something wacky about the air in London. What do you know? It was wacky tobaccy.”
Lenny Loo summed up the findings best. “Frankly, it’s lightened up the blokes around here a lot. It’s been a good thing for London. I don’t know what we’d do without Big Ben’s bonging.”
Mary Burgess, Yorkshire mother of two, had a different opinion. “Ya’ know I told those little buggers of mine for years about that nasty sh**t and how it could make you lose your mind and all. Well, it was a waste of me bloody time. Big Ben bongs 24 hours a day and me kids go bonkers any way. It’s bloody ridiculous. They don’t do their chores. They fall asleep in school at lunch, nod off right into their McNuggets. They don’t do their homework on their own. After me shift at the pub, I knock back a couple of boiler makers, go home, then wake up the little snots, get their sorry butts out of bed, and help them with their homework.”
Ms. Burgess revealed afterward that she never finished elementary school and that since she began helping her kids with their homework, their grades have plummeted. “I had to do it,” she admitted. “I had to do something. I knew that if they flunked out, I would ground them, and they’d have to stay inside. It’s the only way to keep them kids from breathing in that stuff from Big Ben’s bonging.”
A recent London Times poll showed a split among Londoners. 50% approved of Big Ben’s bonging, while 40% disapproved and 10% were “just too stoned to give a sh**t.”