As the Spam Turns – Tales from Nigeria

SIERRA MADRE, CA - MAY 29:  Seventieth anniver...Image by Getty Images via @daylife

-A long distance phone call off a short Nigerian pier-
VIVIAN
Hello Friend. Please excuse my English. I learned it from watching reality TV. How are you doing today including your work, I hope all is well with you.
FRIEND
I’m fine. but my work is not.  Maybe you haven’t heard. The U.S. economy sucks, but I’m being rude. What did you say your name was?
VIVIAN
Before I proceed I will like to introduce my self very well to you. My name is Mrs. Vivian Salife; I was born in South Africa but I work and live in West Africa, I am 32 years old. I worked with the Union Bank of Nigeria Plc as the Senior Accountant In my branch.

FRIEND
Ah. Yes. Vivian. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you or Samuel. How is he?
VIVIAN
I am a widow to late Samuel Salife, my husband died as a result of political gang up in the nation and after the death of my husband things became very much difficult for me and my only son Ali who is critical sick in the hospital right now Suffering from heart problem that needed to go through surgery operations as the doctor confirms.
FRIEND
Oh God! What a horrible run on sentence and terrible news about Sammy’s demise. My heart goes out to you about Ali’s health problems. Also, what exactly is a political gang up? Does it have anything to do with hookers? It must have been devastating.
VIVIAN
This made me to run into a serious dept with my bank and many other people helped me to make sure that I saved his life.
FRIEND
Do you mean dept (short for department) or debt (short for insufficient funds)? How many people are helping you save Ali’s life – half of North America – and what is the money being used for?
VIVIAN
All this money was been paid as part of deposit to the hospital where my son Ali is taking an emergency treatment.
FRIEND
Can you be more specific? —
VIVIAN
Please dear I really needed your assistance in this business which I will introduce you into now so I can save the life of my only son through this business.
FRIEND/DEAR
Ah. So, he’s the only son of Sam. What can I do to help? I bet it has something to do with oil and a Nigerian bank.
VIVIAN
There is a man his name is Mr. Ziya Bazhayev, he is doing a contract with Chevron and Shell Oil Company in South East zoon in Nigeria as an Oil Barron.
FRIEND/DEAR
Where exactly is South East Zoon? And how can I get a job as an Oil Barron?  Haven’t seen that job posted yet on Craigslist. But please tell me more about this man.
VIVIAN
This man made a deposit of 6.2 million dollars in our bank branch before he died, beside am his personal accountant when he was making this deposit in our bank branch through my desk.
FRIEND/DEAR
That is such sad news about this man, which I assume is a nickname for Ziya. I’m so sorry that everybody you know is either dead or dying. Poor this man.
VIVIAN
(Crying and blowing nose in my ear)
this man have been so good to me when he do visit our bank and he is the President of the Oil Alliance Company, he died on Yak-40 aircraft, on a charter flight from Moscow to Kiev on March 9,2000.
FRIEND/DEAR
Why did you let him into the vault so soon after Sammy’s death? That can’t be good for Ali’s heart. And, why was the Yak-40 aircraft named after a wild ox? No wonder the plane went down. Unless, it was because of an active fund. They emit ash clouds that can clog airplane engines.
VIVIAN
Moreover this fund has been dormant in his account with our Bank without any claim of the funds in our custody and the banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed for nine years, it will be forfeited to the Bank treasury as an unclaimed bill it is only a foreigner that can stand as a next Of kin.
FRIEND/DEAR
Only a foreigner or next of kin can claim the money? Which one am I? Are we related? If so, when is your birthday? I’d like to send a card.
VIVIAN
My dear I want to seek your permission to have you stand in as next of kin to our late customer so that this fund will be released and paid into your account as the rightful beneficiary’s Next Of kin now that the bank is still expecting a Next Of Kin to come claim the fund. I have all the information about this man which will help us in this business.
FRIEND/DEAR
Do you need my bank info? I’d be happy to give it to you since I am a foreigner, as well as a long lost relative. Just tell me how I can help. Btw, do you ever use punctuation?
VIVIAN
What I want you to do is to stand as the next of kin, you don’t need to come down here my dear, all you need is to follow my instructions so that we can work as one.
FRIEND/DEAR
Thank goodness because I’m broke. Oops! I blew my cover. I was trying to get your bank account info, too. After all, we share the same DNA. Is that the same as DNR but with a different letter? Speaking of which, how can I find out more about the plane crash?
VIVIAN
You can equally read more news about the plane crash on these Websites, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/672849.stm
FRIEND/DEAR
Thanks for the link. What will my cut be on this?
VIVIAN
You will get 40% of this money as soon as it gets into your account and I will come over with my only son Ali so you can help me fine a very nice hospital where I can treat him.
FRIEND/DEAR
I’ll make up the guest room for you. Can’t wait to meet you and Ali.
VIVIAN
I wish to hear from you the moment you might have finish reading this massage.


FRIEND/DEAR
I could really use a massage. Email scams make me tense.
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Polish Spam.


SIERRA MADRE, CA - MAY 29:  Seventieth anniver...Image by Getty Images via Daylife

Received an email this morning, which I am categorizing as “spam scam scum.” Emails from evil doers, who have somehow escaped the access of evil, sneaked into Rwanda, or in this case Poland, and send emails to the most vulnerable — the broke or unemployed. 

Hopefully, most people are savvy enough to realize the devastating potential of dealing with people such as these sociopath spammers. However, there are naive, desperate people out there, in such dire circumstances.

They will try anything to help themselves to your bank account.
 

To the desperate or any one who receives suspect emails, beware the spammer. Rid your in-box of spam vermin by putting them in their place, in the spam folder. Too bad there isn’t a “burn in hell” folder.

From: jenalyn Baez

show details 6:07 AM (3 hours ago)

Greetings,

Please,review the message below.
European escrow service company seeks for the courier clerk employee. It is a remote/part-time/full-time position and it is home-based.  

SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!!

Service of Easy Packages inc was founded by  several Polish businessmen and is on the international market over 5 years with its Warsaw head office.

I SWEAR. I DIDN’T MAKE THIS UP!

SEP inc performs the middleman dispatch duties for our clients worldwide.  You are required to have a PC with web access along with printer or scanner.

THAT’ S SCANNER, NOT SCAMMER.

Right now we are hiring employees for courier clerk position in the US. The duties you will be performing will include tracking and receiving packages, sending it with the materials we provide. The pay is $60 for each received and sent package (it is calculated in a total monthly pay and paid at the end of each working month, $1500 is a minimum guaranteed monthly amount and it does not depend on the amount of packages that you have handled)

I’LL TAKE WHAT’S INSIDE PACKAGE #1 — STOLEN STEREO EQUIPMENT.

18 minimum age,-
-be located at designated address on a regular basis,
-be available to work on PC with Internet access,
– have day time contact phone number.

THANK GOD.  I QUALIFY.

Your duties may include visiting USPS/UPS/FedEx branches.

DOODY OR CACA IS MORE APROPOS.

The working hours and working volume is:
-8 hours per week-
4-10 packages handled weekly in average.

SOUNDS DOABLE. THOUGH, I’LL HAVE TO CHECK MY ABUNDANTLY FREE SCHEDULE TO SEE IF I HAVE TIME.

Mostly all packages are not big and will not require any special storage place.

LIKE A PRISON CELL.


To avoid any illegal issues or activities
all the packages are being shipped/re-shipped by the big services like FedEx, UPS and DHL who have the strongest security systems nowadays. You can also inspect the contents of packages before re-shipping it to our customer.

IF YOU CAN OPEN THE BOX.  THEY ARE WELDED SHUT.

We would be glad and ready to get  started with the application process with you if you match our requirements.   

NAIVE AND DESPERATE.

 

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Spam–What is it good for?

SIERRA MADRE, CA - MAY 29:  Seventieth anniver...Image by Getty Images via Daylife

A scammer’s email that dropped into my spam folder like bird excrement

@centrum.cz> @centrum.cz>
Subject: kindly consider my proposal. (Reply: kindly go f**k yourself)

Good Day 
(good riddance)

Let me start by apologizing the manner at which i approached you without prior communication.  
(your present communication ain’t so great either). 

I am Patrick Chan, the director of operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd Hong Kong
(and I’m Ivana Trump, ex wife of the Donald)

I will need you to assist me in executing a business project worth five million five hundred US dollars, that involves transfering the said fund from my country to your country.   
(As someone with no financial background or mathematical aptitude I am totally qualified to assist you in said fund transference. Are you familiar with Freud? Perhaps this is a transference of your stupidity)

Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account, we shall then share it in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you. 
(Do you want to build a house on swamp land? This is just like that only more insane, i.e., see previous section on Freud)

Should you be interested in this project, please kindly reply me in my private email: p.chan053@yahoo.com.hk, so that i can give you the full detail of the project.  
(oops!!!)

Your earlier reply will be highly appreciated, thanks for your consideration.  
(thanks for the attempted con)

regards,  
(go to hell! or back to spam land)

Patrick Chan p.chan053@yahoo.com.hk

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Honey, Don’t Look at the Spam, or You’ll Go Blind

SIERRA MADRE, CA - MAY 29:  Seventieth anniver...

 

Beware of Literary 
Internet Debris . . .

Caught in the Cyberspace Spam Continuum  

I admire the creativity involved in the latest alien spam that landed in my inbox. Both contained riddles that I found intriguing and actually considered clicking the hyperlinks until Caution and Restraint grabbed me by the shoulders and shook some sense into me.

From: k.derom@architektenateljee.be

Subject: Black sheep of the family

It was made up of no fewer than thirteen vessels, and was manned by some 1,200 men.

Hello, i am Ramona Applegate

Try it http://r-brent.narod.ru

Ah, what have you done to me, and why.

So he reasoned.

From: n.melbourne@patrick.com.au

Subject: Neither fish nor flesh, nor good red herrin

It was cabots intention to establish himself permanently on the shores of this great river system.

Hello, i am Katherine Titmuss

Try it http://caelieburgh.narod.ru

Sergey kuzmich, from all sides reports reach me, etc.

This stout young man was an illegitimate son of count, a well known grandee of catherines time who now lay dying in moscow.

Any one want to take a stab at the riddles?

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Hello Dearest E-mail from Rwanda – Bad Investment /Grammar

 

Map of Rwanda
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

Hello Dearest,
(We’re not even on speaking terms.)
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you.
My name is Julet Desmond  the only daughter of late  Mr.and Mrs.Desmond.
(How late?)
MY FATHER ( Dr PHILIP DESMOND THE CHAIRMAN MANAGING DIRECTOR OF DESMOND & SONS INDUSTRIALS COMPANY IN THE CAPITAL CITY OF MY COUNTRY ( KIGALI ), Also the PERSONAL ADVISER to the former HEAD OF STATE my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip.
(Could have been the bad shrimp.)
While my mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. (WTF?) Before his death on october 2007 in a private hospital in  Rwanda . he secretly called me on his bedside
(Strange nickname.)
and told me that he has some amount of money in a leading bank which he used my name as the nest of kin the amount in question is $6.5M (Six Million Five Hundred Thousand USDollars) that he used my name as his only daughter for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund.
(It’s amazing he had the energy to utter the entire amount of U.S. dollars in addition to providing details of the transaction before croaking.)
He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates.
That incase he die I should move out of the country down to senegal,   to seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where i will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose after my education such as real estate management or hotel management
(That way you can continue to serve up the BS.).

I am living in senegal now.

Dear
(Don’t call me dear.)

 

I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways, to provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred to,
(Sure. No problem.)

To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 22years and To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education (in a career in crime) and to secure a resident permit in your country while you will be take care of investing this money.
(Of course. wink. wink)

 

 

Moreover, Dear,
(I told you. Don’t call me dear.)

 

 

I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/ input after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominated account overseas
(Wow 15%. What a deal!)

 

Furthermore, you indicate your options towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within a sort posille
(WTF?) time.if you are interested .

 

pls email me with my email address
(You should know your e-mail address.)

 

 

so that i can give you more details and and my pic for you to know me i will stop here for now  waiting hear from you soon.
(Are you familiar with a chap called Godot?)

 

 


Thanks and God bless.
(
I didn’t sneeze.)

 

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