Broken News in Boston!

 

Toilet paper

CNN, the Crap News Network

 

Hi, this is Blitz Geezer in Boston along with John Bland, Lance Fancy Pants and Tapioca Pudding.

 

ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY.

 

BLITZ GEEZER

Since we don’t have anything new to report, we’ll talk incessantly about nothing, Tapioca.

 

LANCE FANCY PANTS

No thank you. I just ate.

 

TAPIOCA PUDDING

I think Blitz is talking to me. Well, Blitz, my source tells me that shortly before the bombing, Lance bought a pair of Dockers at the Saks Fifth Avenue that had provided authorities with key surveillance video of the bombing suspects. Lance reportedly sat down, got a salesman’s attention by waving his arms and then tried on several pairs of shoes before buying the Dockers with a credit card.

 

BLITZ

Can we get a shot of Lance’s shoes?

 

CAMERA CUTS TO LANCE’S SHOES.

 

BLITZ

Nice!

 

ALL THE NEWS BOBBLEHEADS NOD INDEFINITELY.

 

BLITZ

With all the walking we did around Boston, we all need a new pair of shoes. TOUCHES EARPIECE. One moment. We have breaking news…on Twitter. Swat teams have surrounded Suspect #2.

 

JOHN BLAND

You’re kidding. I thought Suspect #2 was in custody.

 

BLITZ

Apparently, a homeowner called authorities after seeing blood on his boat in his backyard.

 

JOHN BLAND

Who keeps a boat in a backyard the size of my bathroom?

 

BLITZ

Wait…more breaking news on Twitter. A police chopper, hovering above the yard, has infrared images of the suspect hiding inside the boat.

 

JOHN BLAND

Are you sure the suspect’s not in custody. My source told me hours ago there was an arrest.

 

BLITZ

Lance, what can you tell us. What are you seeing on the ground?

 

LANCE

A hot, steaming pile of dog shit. Apparently, a neighbor who walked his dog after the lock-down was lifted, didn’t bag the poop. I almost stepped in it with my new Dockers that I bought at the Saks that provided key video evidence to police.

 

BLITZ

Lance, are you hearing anything from your location?

 

LANCE

Let me check Twitter. HE CHECKS SMARTPHONE. Yes, Blitz. I’m hearing an exchange of gun fire and several explosions.

 

BLITZ

How ’bout you Tapioca?

 

TAPIOCA

On Facebook, their reporting that hostage negotiations are taking place.

 

LANCE

I’m listening to a live police radio broadcast from a link I got on Twitter…They just apprehended the suspect…and I’ve got a blister on my big toe from my new shoes.

 

TAPIOCA

Twitter reports that people are celebrating in the streets, and I just found a great Sushi place on Google Maps.

 

BLITZ

Now that Suspect #2 is in custody, we can replay hours of nonstop speculative yammering by reporters that preceded the arrest.

 

JOHN BLAND

Blitz, my source tells me that an arrest has been made…

 

I’m participating in Silly Sunday, hosted by Sandy of ComedyPlus.

silly-sunday-badge-250-transparent-150x150

 

Enhanced by Zemanta