What’s on the blogging menu today?


Scrambled Words and Toast.

Do your words lay in clumps across the page, like scrambled eggs? Do they yearn for something more than a comma or a period? Do they need a fork to guide them, a menu to organize them?

Do your words lose their meaning and look more like toast?

It happened to me.

Just me and my scrambled words and toast. Food for thought or thought for food?

No matter. They both end up in the digital crapper. I press the delete key and flush.

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My Blogging Dysfunction


Louis Léopold Boilly - Les grimaces

Les grimaces (Funny faces). Lithography by Louis-Léopold Boilly

In an earlier post I wrote about a missing avatar, I admitted I was HTML intolerant.

All those #@$#!! letters rupture brainwaves and accelerate my pulse I can’t find when holding my wrist, a sign that I’m a neurotic hypochondriac, as well as directionally impaired.

Whenever my pulse gets a Black Sabbath vibe after I stare at HTML for a while, I suffer from Blogger Ditz Disorder, also known as a brain glitch, characterized by the inability to think.

If only my blogging dysfunction ended there. Sadly, I’m also a Facebookphobe. Yes, Facebook and social media scare me.

But that doesn’t stop me from visiting my profile every time I get the memo from Facebook that “You have notifications pending,” which makes me feel bad I haven’t responded to all those Farmville requests.

Just what I need. More online distractions.

Isn’t frivolous link-hopping and “Am I fat?” Googling bad enough?

How can one brain process trillions of cyber nano bytes?

That’s why my brain shuts down every couple of days from information overload, which includes Facebook emails that come with an underlying threat.

Lauren, you have 30,000 Facebook notifications pending.

Don’t you feel like an asshole for not responding?

Lauren, WTF Knows just added you as a friend on Facebook.

You want to have friends. Don’t you? Or are you some kind of freak?

Lauren, you have five friends with birthdays this week.

Wish them a Happy Birthday, damn it, you freak!

Honestly, I agree with Betty White when she said, “. . . Now that I know what Facebook is all about, frankly, I think it’s a waste of time.”

Yet, social media gurus constantly hype the importance of using Facebook and other platforms to promote a business or blog. Book publishers require authors to use social media to promote their books. Simon & Schuster even runs a social media boot-camp for their authors.

I understand the necessity of self-promotion. I “tweet” and “like” with the other cool kids. But that doesn’t mean I like to “like.” I worry that if I don’t “like” a picture of a Schnauzer wearing a yamaka, the cyber cops will taser my keyboard.

For someone who already endures a variety of dysfunctions – from ADD to shyness to hopeless neurotic – dealing with Facebook, WordPress and Google is too much information for my pitiful 3.1 pound brain.

Why do the Internet mucky mucks insist I interact with strangers when I should interact with my BFF keyboard instead?

Oh, that’s right. I could do both if I could multitask, another dysfunction of mine, along with disorganization and poor time management skills. I also suck at punctuation.

Too bad the Internet isn’t ADD friendly, yet I can probably make a friend every second I’m online.

Can you say, “Ironic?” Now, Google “ironic” and see how many synonyms you can find. And, oh, by the way, is my avatar fat?


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