Talking to the dead has never been easier . . .

When You’re RosettaStoned.

(with THC Tombstone Technology)
Bowl of clouds

flickr.com/photos/pagedooley/ / CC BY 2.0

Do you pay hundreds of dollars for just a two-minute dialog with an expired relative (always check the date of sale)?

With a RosettaStoned Memorial, you pay a one-time fee for unlimited calls to the dead and a lifetime of memories. Disclaimer: weed not included. 

Just press the pentagram symbol on your Lifeless Enabled Cell phone (LEC), plug your headset into the USB port on the headstone, and in the time it takes to say ten Hail Mary’s, you’ll be speaking to your dearly departed Uncle Ned from his beach condo in Shangri-la.

Warning: It may take longer to establish a connection to Hell, as you may experience interference from uncontrollable dark forces. Occasional fire and brimstone incidents have also been reported.

Spam–What is it good for?

SIERRA MADRE, CA - MAY 29:  Seventieth anniver...Image by Getty Images via Daylife

A scammer’s email that dropped into my spam folder like bird excrement

@centrum.cz> @centrum.cz>
Subject: kindly consider my proposal. (Reply: kindly go f**k yourself)

Good Day 
(good riddance)

Let me start by apologizing the manner at which i approached you without prior communication.  
(your present communication ain’t so great either). 

I am Patrick Chan, the director of operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd Hong Kong
(and I’m Ivana Trump, ex wife of the Donald)

I will need you to assist me in executing a business project worth five million five hundred US dollars, that involves transfering the said fund from my country to your country.   
(As someone with no financial background or mathematical aptitude I am totally qualified to assist you in said fund transference. Are you familiar with Freud? Perhaps this is a transference of your stupidity)

Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account, we shall then share it in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you. 
(Do you want to build a house on swamp land? This is just like that only more insane, i.e., see previous section on Freud)

Should you be interested in this project, please kindly reply me in my private email: p.chan053@yahoo.com.hk, so that i can give you the full detail of the project.  
(oops!!!)

Your earlier reply will be highly appreciated, thanks for your consideration.  
(thanks for the attempted con)

regards,  
(go to hell! or back to spam land)

Patrick Chan p.chan053@yahoo.com.hk

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iPad Companion Product – the iFlo.

 

iFlo Accessories
  • iDouche – Cache cleaner
  • iPMS – Kills viruses and anything else that gets in the way
  • iMidol – Relieves desktop water retention
  • iPlug – USB flash stick stops memory leaks
  • iProzac – Prevents hard drive crashes
  • iStridex – Wipes oily buildup off case
  • iPill – Monthly periodic maintenance program
  • iRecall – Extra memory when yours shuts downs
  • iBlock – Keeps intruders from entering your space
  • iShriek – Key pad alarm goes off at the slightest touch
 
Coming soon to an asylum near you – The iTouched. Comes with rubber case and commitment papers. Electrical adapter and plastic wrap not included.

 

Do you think that the iPad is a really bad name?
Is Apple Rotten?
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NASA plumbing rates skyrocket, as urine clogs space station recycling system.

A zenith view of the International Space Stati...

The million dollar clog.


Astronaut urine clogs space station water recycler | News.com.au

In the international space station, astronauts, as well as their back teeth, are floating due to a clog in the water recycling system. Since drilling a well in the space-time continuum wasn’t an option, NASA had no choice but to send urine back from whence it came and create a recycling system that turns urine into water instead of wine, the preferred drink of astronauts. And you thought it was Tang.

“We’ve learned a lot more about urine than we ever needed or wanted to know – some of us anyway,” said station flight director David Korth.

Scientists believe that the clog may have been caused by the high calcium content in the space dudes urine.

Back on earth, fat was the culprit of a recent clog that turned our kitchen sink into a Scottish bog. We never experienced a calcium threat before, as it is usually self-contained in milk dispensing receptacles. Urine spills, not calcium clogs, are the problem of the gravitationally-bound and have been known to wipe out entire bacteria colonies. In contrast, toilet clogs are caused by a flotilla of poo and poo accessories.

Understanding a zero-gravity environment is like pissing in the solar wind.

“Folks had good knowledge of the content of the urine going in, but the chemistry changes as it works through the processor are not always understood,” said program scientist Julie Robinson.

At its inception in November 2008, the urine recycler had been fully tested during a night of drinking at the local NASA watering hole, an uncorroborated rumor that I made up. The recycler functioned properly back then before being introduced to zero gravity and the astronauts to intergalactic drinking games that had them pissing faster than the urine to water conversion rate.

Your tax dollars at work.

Engineers at the Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, Alabama, are hoping to come up with a fix in time to fly replacement parts out on the shuttle Endeavour, which is scheduled for launch on February 7 on a construction mission.

What’s next urine recycled Mai Tais?

What’s your greatest fear about zero-gravity?
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Women better at parallel parking baking dishes than cars

 

 

Double parked car with diplomatic tags in San ...

 

Women worse at parking than men, study shows – Telegraph

The truth is I can’t cook or park.

By using a completely absurd title, I will attempt to prove a point here that may take a bit of meandering. Please stick with me on this one and help humor me by reading my deranged rant on bureaucracy and sexism in parking, an important matter that far exceeds the gravity of the economic crises or global warming.


This is how the Telegraph article opens:

Women are slower and less accurate at parking than men, according to a scientific study that confirms the suspicions of many male motorists.

First, I’d like to know how many male motorists were involved and who they were. I want names. Was my husband questioned for this study?

Now that I got that off my seatbelt restrained chest (more restrictive than a bra), I admit it. I can’t park. Whether it’s vertically parking between the lines in a shopping center, parallel parking on a street, or just attempting to stay within the lines in a coloring-book, I just can’t seem to get it right.

However, despite my admission of poor parking practices, I have to ask the question. Which lamebrain bureaucrat approved the funding for this frivolous study? I could have done the study free, waited in a parking lot with a camera, and filmed people parking all day. Like I have nothing better to do.  I don’t!

In my video, I would have included a highly sarcastic running monologue about waste in government and how they should park their butts at a desk and solve real problems, instead of sitting behind the wheel watching dingbats ding the crap out of parked cars.

Although the pencil pushers would not have approved my parallel-parking test, it would have reached the same conclusion. Men are better parkers. So what? Do we give them a medal or just the distinction of being the best freaking parkers on the planet? That’s definitely worth a trip to Disneyland or at least a bribe to never complain about a husband’s driving again in return for a day of shopping at Bloomingdales, the preferred destination of choice.
More from the article:

Female drivers take an average of 20 seconds longer to park their cars but are still less likely to end up in the middle of the bay, the research suggests.

I’d say a minute and a half, easily, if crying, then add another thirty-seconds. I’m assuming that “bay” here doesn’t mean a body of water, otherwise I’d already be swimming with the fishes.

And this illuminating piece of news:

As part of the test 65 people were asked to park an Audi A6 family saloon in a standard-sized parking space.

That’s the problem right there. I can’t hold my liquor. Who conducts driving tests in saloons anyway?

And this little gem:

Their manoeuvres – including head-on, reverse and parallel parking – were timed and rated for accuracy, which was judged by how far they kept the vehicle from the edges of the bay.

A language clarification here. For the folks living on the side of the pond where the steering wheel is located on the left and correct side, manoeuvres is the British spelling of the word maneuver, although it does look and sound a bit like manure. Boy, I’m glad I didn’t step in that one.

What do you think. Are men better drivers than women?

 

 

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With jobs like these, who needs enemas?

CV profile system that allows interactive sear...

REAL JOBS – FAKE JOB DESCRIPTIONS

ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT 
Administrative assistant needed for bus.
For those who love to travel and make unnecessary stops.

Recreation Therapist
Looking for people who are specialists in
restless slide syndrome,
compulsive swinging disorder,
and social climbing complex.


We’ll Pay You To Process ®Dish Network Orders Online
This employer listed five different salaries and pay plans
for the same position.

If you enjoy uncertainty, then you’ll love working with 
one of our many different pay plans:
  • We’ll Pay-You $200+/Daily 
  • To Process ®Dish Network Orders Online
  • Entry Level! Earn $270/Daily 
  • Processing Orders For ®Dish Network
  • We’ll Pay-You $200+/Daily 
  • To Process ®Dish Network Orders Online
  • We’ll Pay-You $1000+/Week 
  • To Process ®Dish Network Orders Online
  • Entry Level! Earn $120-$270/Daily 
  • Processing Orders For ®Dish TV
Specialty Sales Representative – Dermatology
Must enjoy working with zits, blackheads, and oozing puss.

Packers/Loaders & Unloaders!!! 
If you can lift your ass out of bed, you can lift anything.

Outgoing People Wanted!!!
The incoming need not apply.

Lubrication Technician
Enjoy greasing the monkey?

Sales Agency: Hiring Directors of Fun
Will train whiners, grumps, and the repressively inclined.


Full Charge Bookkeeper
Must be battery operated or have a long extension cord.


Package Implementer
Looking for people who don’t get boxed-in while assembling cartons.

Please let me know if you’ve stumbled
across any weird jobs lately.
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Hello Dearest E-mail from Rwanda – Bad Investment /Grammar

 

Map of Rwanda
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

Hello Dearest,
(We’re not even on speaking terms.)
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you.
My name is Julet Desmond  the only daughter of late  Mr.and Mrs.Desmond.
(How late?)
MY FATHER ( Dr PHILIP DESMOND THE CHAIRMAN MANAGING DIRECTOR OF DESMOND & SONS INDUSTRIALS COMPANY IN THE CAPITAL CITY OF MY COUNTRY ( KIGALI ), Also the PERSONAL ADVISER to the former HEAD OF STATE my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip.
(Could have been the bad shrimp.)
While my mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. (WTF?) Before his death on october 2007 in a private hospital in  Rwanda . he secretly called me on his bedside
(Strange nickname.)
and told me that he has some amount of money in a leading bank which he used my name as the nest of kin the amount in question is $6.5M (Six Million Five Hundred Thousand USDollars) that he used my name as his only daughter for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund.
(It’s amazing he had the energy to utter the entire amount of U.S. dollars in addition to providing details of the transaction before croaking.)
He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates.
That incase he die I should move out of the country down to senegal,   to seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where i will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose after my education such as real estate management or hotel management
(That way you can continue to serve up the BS.).

I am living in senegal now.

Dear
(Don’t call me dear.)

 

I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways, to provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred to,
(Sure. No problem.)

To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 22years and To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education (in a career in crime) and to secure a resident permit in your country while you will be take care of investing this money.
(Of course. wink. wink)

 

 

Moreover, Dear,
(I told you. Don’t call me dear.)

 

 

I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/ input after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominated account overseas
(Wow 15%. What a deal!)

 

Furthermore, you indicate your options towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within a sort posille
(WTF?) time.if you are interested .

 

pls email me with my email address
(You should know your e-mail address.)

 

 

so that i can give you more details and and my pic for you to know me i will stop here for now  waiting hear from you soon.
(Are you familiar with a chap called Godot?)

 

 


Thanks and God bless.
(
I didn’t sneeze.)

 

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Ask Your Doctor About the Pharma Collection: A Pill Pack Gift for Any Occasion

 

You’ve got the symptom! We’ve got the cure!

 

The Pharma Pack
via

 

  • Got the blues? – We’ve got a pill for that.
  • Mother-in-law in town? – We’ve got a pill for that.
  • Mad at a spouse? – We’ve got several pills for that – from our Anniversary Collection.

 

Every beautifully designed Pharma Pill Pack comes with a Symptom Check List, also available in your TV Guide. Just match your symptom against our comprehensive list of meds, and then ask your doctor which pharmaceutical solution is right for you.

Don’t Have a Symptom Check List?

Call your doctor if you experience one or more of the following symptoms:

  • Do you have trouble hearing when you have cotton in your ears?
  • Do you suffer from amnesia when your husband reminds you of the credit card balance?
  • Does sugar and caffeine make your heart race?
  • Do you get depressed at funerals?
  • Do you have difficulty swallowing during dental surgery?
  • Do you get anxious when your teenager borrows the car?
  • Do you suffer from a loss of appetite from the stench of a garbage can?
  • Do your fingers become stiff and arthritic when typing for 24 hours straight?
  • Are you afraid of insurance sales men?
  • Does your breath stink in the morning when you first wake up?
  • Does your butt fall asleep after sitting on a wooden chair for eights hours?
  • Do you suffer from split ends?
  • Do you get calluses on your feet after walking several miles?
  • Do you have trouble breathing when you place a plastic bag over your head?
  • Do your fingers turn blue when you stand outside without gloves in sub zero temperatures?
  • Do you trip over your children’s toys when they’re scattered across the floor?
  • Does your head hurt when you accidentally slam it against a wall?

 

We’ve got the right drug for you when every thing else goes wrong.
Get happy with Pharma!
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