Browsing the Job Market Shelves

While searching for jobs on Monster.com, HotJobs.com, or Craigslist.org, I always stumble upon job descriptions with spelling mistakes or over-the-top requirements. So, I’ve compiled a list of those jobs and have categorized them by market.

UPSCALE NICHE EMPLOYERS

Agency Account Executive for Stand-up Comedian

  • Boutique agency and marketing services firm is lost without you. Well, not really. It just seems that way. Ha!
  • great creative instincts (perhaps even a creative background)ROFLMAO!
  • Responsibilities range from helping to prepare client presentations, to managing projects, to working with vendors, to washing windows (OK, no window washing – unless that’s your thing).  Stop it! Stop it! You’re killing me.
  • A college degree is mandatory, preferably from a highly-regarded schoolBWAHAHA!
  • Salary and benefits are competitive and a bonus, based on performance, may make the total compensation package beyond competitive – Beyond competitive … OMG! Hilarious.
  • Tell us why you’re the best candidate for this job and … maybe it will be yours. – I just peed myself laughing.

Superheros Wanted!!! (Account Executive)

  • Welcome! Currently searching for a few select self motivated superheroes, pirates and the occasional villain to join our elite team.    
  • All superheroes ARE self motivated unless you include Popeye.  Someone always had to shove a can of spinach down Popeye’s throat before he would save Olive Oyl.  As far as pirates and villains are concerned, pirates have peg legs and wear a patch over one eye, and villains have thick handlebar mustaches. Do you really want to project that image?   

Wanted: Personal Assistant Part Time

  • Must have above average SALES and NEGOTIATING skills Can you buy a cow with a bushel of corn?   

  • Must also have your own laptop and Internet service in your own home. – I do, but what about you?

    QUICKIE JOB MART 

    • PT RECEPTIONIST – INTERVIEWING TODAY!** – Tomorrow, you’ll be shit out of luck. 
    • ENERGY COMPANY/ ONLY 3 POSITIONS LEFTMake that two!
    • IMMEDIATE HIRE – Too late! You missed it!
    • NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY AS WE WILL TRAIN YOU – We’re experts in mind control.

    SPECIALTY EMPLOYERS  In Store Demonstrator

    • Food Demonstrators should have the ability and desire to create an exciting, warm, fun, and friendly shopping environment. Must be familiar with food. 

    Tennis Anyone??  

    • Needed: A part-time front desk manager to work evenings and weekends at a busy tennis club. Must speak english.   

    • Once you understand the meaning of these words, start reading them aloud. Congratulations! You are now speaking English and are qualified for this job; however, the employer is not, as the word English should always be capitalized.  

      Heathcare Order Processing – For Damaged Heath Candy Bars?

      • If you are energetic, career-driven, and motivated to provide a high level of customer service in a team-based environment, then we want to hear from you! Otherwise, we do not.
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      More Backside of the Unemployment Front!

      Belt Failure
      Image by mahalie via Flickr

      REAL JOBS. DELUSIONAL EMPLOYERS.

       

      Receptionist MUST HAVE 4-YEAR DEGREE!! – Stop Yelling!

      YOU MUST HAVE A FOUR YEAR DEGREE TO QUALIFY FOR THIS POSITION. THERE IS NO FLEXIBILITY ON THIS … Okay. I get it.
      Again, you MUST have a 4 year degree and you MUST be able to work evenings and weekends to qualify for consideration. You must be a control freak.
      There is no flexibility on this. Goddamn it! I understand.
      Sadly, we can only respond to resumes that fit these requirements.
      From Angry to Sad – Another Manic Episode of Job Grinders. It Ain’t a Sandwich!
      PetNurse – Not One of Hef ‘s Bunnies!
      Ability to be confident around Pets (i.e., dogs, cats, birds, reptiles, etc.) – What is an etc – a bird, reptile, or something otherworldly?
      Domestic Couple Live In (Chef/House Manager) – For the Rich and Ravenous!

      Create heart healthy, and modern spa style cuisine for family dinners.

      Must be OK with children and pets (no allergies) – Kids or Pets?


      Mailroom CoordinatorBO – With BO?
      Must have had prior experience. Solid work history a must. Handle all aspects of a busy mailroom. Degree preferred. Impeccable communication skills. Superior work ethic. A doctorate in envelope stuffing is also preferred.

      Jack of All Trades Coordinator-bos – Must have Lots of BO and Your Name Must be Jack!

      Favorite finance company needs a “jack of all trades” high-energy coordinator.  Must be poised, polished, confident, detailed, organized and super flexible to “put out fires”… in this soup to nuts role. Background in firefighting and cooking required!
      A four-year college degree reflecting a strong academic background with a minor in binge drinking is preferred. <— Yeah. I did that.
       
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      As the Spam Turns – Tales from Nigeria

      SIERRA MADRE, CA - MAY 29:  Seventieth anniver...Image by Getty Images via @daylife

      -A long distance phone call off a short Nigerian pier-
      VIVIAN
      Hello Friend. Please excuse my English. I learned it from watching reality TV. How are you doing today including your work, I hope all is well with you.
      FRIEND
      I’m fine. but my work is not.  Maybe you haven’t heard. The U.S. economy sucks, but I’m being rude. What did you say your name was?
      VIVIAN
      Before I proceed I will like to introduce my self very well to you. My name is Mrs. Vivian Salife; I was born in South Africa but I work and live in West Africa, I am 32 years old. I worked with the Union Bank of Nigeria Plc as the Senior Accountant In my branch.

      FRIEND
      Ah. Yes. Vivian. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you or Samuel. How is he?
      VIVIAN
      I am a widow to late Samuel Salife, my husband died as a result of political gang up in the nation and after the death of my husband things became very much difficult for me and my only son Ali who is critical sick in the hospital right now Suffering from heart problem that needed to go through surgery operations as the doctor confirms.
      FRIEND
      Oh God! What a horrible run on sentence and terrible news about Sammy’s demise. My heart goes out to you about Ali’s health problems. Also, what exactly is a political gang up? Does it have anything to do with hookers? It must have been devastating.
      VIVIAN
      This made me to run into a serious dept with my bank and many other people helped me to make sure that I saved his life.
      FRIEND
      Do you mean dept (short for department) or debt (short for insufficient funds)? How many people are helping you save Ali’s life – half of North America – and what is the money being used for?
      VIVIAN
      All this money was been paid as part of deposit to the hospital where my son Ali is taking an emergency treatment.
      FRIEND
      Can you be more specific? —
      VIVIAN
      Please dear I really needed your assistance in this business which I will introduce you into now so I can save the life of my only son through this business.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Ah. So, he’s the only son of Sam. What can I do to help? I bet it has something to do with oil and a Nigerian bank.
      VIVIAN
      There is a man his name is Mr. Ziya Bazhayev, he is doing a contract with Chevron and Shell Oil Company in South East zoon in Nigeria as an Oil Barron.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Where exactly is South East Zoon? And how can I get a job as an Oil Barron?  Haven’t seen that job posted yet on Craigslist. But please tell me more about this man.
      VIVIAN
      This man made a deposit of 6.2 million dollars in our bank branch before he died, beside am his personal accountant when he was making this deposit in our bank branch through my desk.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      That is such sad news about this man, which I assume is a nickname for Ziya. I’m so sorry that everybody you know is either dead or dying. Poor this man.
      VIVIAN
      (Crying and blowing nose in my ear)
      this man have been so good to me when he do visit our bank and he is the President of the Oil Alliance Company, he died on Yak-40 aircraft, on a charter flight from Moscow to Kiev on March 9,2000.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Why did you let him into the vault so soon after Sammy’s death? That can’t be good for Ali’s heart. And, why was the Yak-40 aircraft named after a wild ox? No wonder the plane went down. Unless, it was because of an active fund. They emit ash clouds that can clog airplane engines.
      VIVIAN
      Moreover this fund has been dormant in his account with our Bank without any claim of the funds in our custody and the banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed for nine years, it will be forfeited to the Bank treasury as an unclaimed bill it is only a foreigner that can stand as a next Of kin.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Only a foreigner or next of kin can claim the money? Which one am I? Are we related? If so, when is your birthday? I’d like to send a card.
      VIVIAN
      My dear I want to seek your permission to have you stand in as next of kin to our late customer so that this fund will be released and paid into your account as the rightful beneficiary’s Next Of kin now that the bank is still expecting a Next Of Kin to come claim the fund. I have all the information about this man which will help us in this business.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Do you need my bank info? I’d be happy to give it to you since I am a foreigner, as well as a long lost relative. Just tell me how I can help. Btw, do you ever use punctuation?
      VIVIAN
      What I want you to do is to stand as the next of kin, you don’t need to come down here my dear, all you need is to follow my instructions so that we can work as one.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Thank goodness because I’m broke. Oops! I blew my cover. I was trying to get your bank account info, too. After all, we share the same DNA. Is that the same as DNR but with a different letter? Speaking of which, how can I find out more about the plane crash?
      VIVIAN
      You can equally read more news about the plane crash on these Websites, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/672849.stm
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Thanks for the link. What will my cut be on this?
      VIVIAN
      You will get 40% of this money as soon as it gets into your account and I will come over with my only son Ali so you can help me fine a very nice hospital where I can treat him.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      I’ll make up the guest room for you. Can’t wait to meet you and Ali.
      VIVIAN
      I wish to hear from you the moment you might have finish reading this massage.


      FRIEND/DEAR
      I could really use a massage. Email scams make me tense.
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      Oddjobs Part Deux – Shaken not Stirred

      It’s A Good Thing I Didn’t Step in it!

      In my ongoing search for “job,” I stumbled upon these weird job headlines (most from Craigslist). Some required their descriptors, others required no additives.

      Join me in a mouth-gaping, eye-bulging, “are you shitting me?” look at the current state of the job market.


      SPECIAL NEEDS ASSISTANT …  fits my skill-set perfectly

      STOP and get happy!cannabis consultant?

      filing, organizning paperwork and apparently spelling
      the paperwork is off the deepend!


      WANTED – SENSORY PANELISTSwe blindfold you then take your nose and mouth hostage

      Enlightened Assistant/Social Networking Whiz
      Please be completely ethical, punctual, and generous of spirit work for free?
      We work with all kinds of people WTF?

      More WTF?s …

      (You will not meet your husband/wife here, nor do we have a water cooler.)
      If you need to take long weekends, this is NOT this job for you.
      If you do not depend on a paycheck, this not the job for you either.

      Engaging Conversationalists with a Strong Sense of Humor, Energy

      Looking for smart, outgoing, energetic and witty personalities. 

      Maintain close relationships with peak customers customers after 5 p.m.?

      Must be willing to work hard, have a great sense of humor and the stamina to be on the phones all day…developing relationships and having FUN!doesn’t sound like fun

      WANTED: AN ENERGETIC AND DETAIL ORIENTED ANIMAL LOVER have to be when looking for fleas

      A Rare Opportunity
      If you’re looking for an explosive sales opportunityor a dynamite one

      Seeking Housecleaner with touch of OCD I kid you not.
      We are looking for someone who loves to clean, takes pride in his/her work and knows that it is all in the details.

      A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY IN CUSTOMER SERVICE need I say more?

      Service Ambassador / Greeter … or Rack service ambassador
      The ideal Rack service ambassador I didn’t make it up
      responds to emergency situations, including lost children situations.
      Maintain an active awareness of safety risks and hazards, communicating to management as appropriate appropriate is one of those gray area words

      PATIENT ASSISTANT as opposed to an impatient one

      CAN YOU DO BOTH? … what? walk and chew gum at the same time?

      Seen any weird jobs posted lately?
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      BP Funded Fish Kill Habitat Opens at New Orleans Aquarium.

      On any given day, New Orleans Aquarium Curator, Mary More Ron, can be found trying to feed the unresponsive porpoises that float on their backs in a tank filled with oil-enriched sea water.

      A simulation.

      “Sure, it’s a challenge and a waste of time,” said Ms. More Ron. “But BP is spending millions of dollars on another frivolous effort. You can’t fault them for that.”

      Still each morning Mary More Ron takes the drive to the Aquarium, past the low-income neighborhoods that look like they were just hit by Hurricane Katrina, while mulling the Aquarium’s decision to add more fish to the exhibit tank.

      “Every day the garbage barge dumps loads of oily fish onto the loading dock, and everyday we drop them into the tank. “God love them.” Her voice cracks as she reflects on the garbage barge crew and captain, for whom she has the utmost respect.

      “They’re heroes, out there day-after-day, rescuing sea carcasses from the oil slick that threatens the Gulf, as well as the future of the sea carcass industry.”

      The ordeal from the ongoing rescue operation is evident in the bald spots on Ms. More Ron’s head. “I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult,” then rips another clump of hair from her skull. Only after the medic finishes dressing her wound and injecting her with a sedative, is Mary able to continue. “Frankly, I don’t know if I can handle seeing another bin of adorable oily sea corpses. “Although …” She adds, “… I’ll do the best damn job I can under the circumstances.”

      Despite her concerns, Ms. More Ron has seen positive results from the oil extraction efforts by BP engineers in the neighboring shark tank.

      “The engineers work on extracting oil from the water and carcasses 24/7, so that tourists can fill up their tanks with gas on their way to the beach.” When asked if she thought the oil slick sand would hurt the tourist industry, Ms. More Ron responded, “Only if someone falls on their ass.”

      Mary More Ron also addressed the recent regulations affecting the beaches at night. “It’s true. The Coast Guard has banned all bonfires after dark due to the possibility of oil ignited firestorms.” She shakes her head. “It’s a shame. The repercussions from this disaster run deep.”

      With regard to the rumors that the Aquarium plans to hold live shows in the Fish Kill stadium tank outdoors, Ms. More Ron stated, “Not this year, unfortunately. We just don’t have enough handlers in the water to drag all that dead weight around.”

      Ms. More Ron then perked up when she began talking about the new Oil Spill Touch Tank in the adjacent exhibit hall. “The kids will love trying to grab hold of the crabs and turtles before they slip through their fingers.”

      The Aquarium hopes to bring in thirty-thousand visitors alone during the month of July when they open the new Waterfoweled exhibit with dead Terns, Pelicans, and Laughing Gulls.

      For more information on the Fish Kill Exhibit and the oil spill clean up effort, visit http://twitter.com/bpglobalpr.

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      Polish Spam.


      SIERRA MADRE, CA - MAY 29:  Seventieth anniver...Image by Getty Images via Daylife

      Received an email this morning, which I am categorizing as “spam scam scum.” Emails from evil doers, who have somehow escaped the access of evil, sneaked into Rwanda, or in this case Poland, and send emails to the most vulnerable — the broke or unemployed. 

      Hopefully, most people are savvy enough to realize the devastating potential of dealing with people such as these sociopath spammers. However, there are naive, desperate people out there, in such dire circumstances.

      They will try anything to help themselves to your bank account.
       

      To the desperate or any one who receives suspect emails, beware the spammer. Rid your in-box of spam vermin by putting them in their place, in the spam folder. Too bad there isn’t a “burn in hell” folder.

      From: jenalyn Baez

      show details 6:07 AM (3 hours ago)

      Greetings,

      Please,review the message below.
      European escrow service company seeks for the courier clerk employee. It is a remote/part-time/full-time position and it is home-based.  

      SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!!

      Service of Easy Packages inc was founded by  several Polish businessmen and is on the international market over 5 years with its Warsaw head office.

      I SWEAR. I DIDN’T MAKE THIS UP!

      SEP inc performs the middleman dispatch duties for our clients worldwide.  You are required to have a PC with web access along with printer or scanner.

      THAT’ S SCANNER, NOT SCAMMER.

      Right now we are hiring employees for courier clerk position in the US. The duties you will be performing will include tracking and receiving packages, sending it with the materials we provide. The pay is $60 for each received and sent package (it is calculated in a total monthly pay and paid at the end of each working month, $1500 is a minimum guaranteed monthly amount and it does not depend on the amount of packages that you have handled)

      I’LL TAKE WHAT’S INSIDE PACKAGE #1 — STOLEN STEREO EQUIPMENT.

      18 minimum age,-
      -be located at designated address on a regular basis,
      -be available to work on PC with Internet access,
      – have day time contact phone number.

      THANK GOD.  I QUALIFY.

      Your duties may include visiting USPS/UPS/FedEx branches.

      DOODY OR CACA IS MORE APROPOS.

      The working hours and working volume is:
      -8 hours per week-
      4-10 packages handled weekly in average.

      SOUNDS DOABLE. THOUGH, I’LL HAVE TO CHECK MY ABUNDANTLY FREE SCHEDULE TO SEE IF I HAVE TIME.

      Mostly all packages are not big and will not require any special storage place.

      LIKE A PRISON CELL.


      To avoid any illegal issues or activities
      all the packages are being shipped/re-shipped by the big services like FedEx, UPS and DHL who have the strongest security systems nowadays. You can also inspect the contents of packages before re-shipping it to our customer.

      IF YOU CAN OPEN THE BOX.  THEY ARE WELDED SHUT.

      We would be glad and ready to get  started with the application process with you if you match our requirements.   

      NAIVE AND DESPERATE.

       

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      Migrating Lawn Gnomes, Grass Goblins or Lawn Pets?

      I first learned about the problem of migrating lawn gnomes from Reforming Geek, who mentioned it in her recent post Of Winds and Wings and Bluebonnets! Thank you, RF, for your tireless, selfless efforts to warn gardening junkies like me of the hazards that lurk in our gardens.

      THE LAWN GNOME: THREAT.

      You’ve seen them crouching in the grass with sly grins on their sinister ceramic faces. Seemingly motionless, they lurk quietly waiting for unsuspecting victims to trip over their pointy little heads and take a header in the grass or worse step on their ceramic gnome droppings.

      Yes, I’m speaking of the most horrific natural crisis to affect Americans since Canadian geese – Migrating lawn gnomes.

      They’re everywhere. On your neighbor’s lawns, patios, and front steps or hiding beneath the hedges. Despite their grotesque appearance, danger they pose to lawn enthusiasts, and ability to multiply faster than Kate Gosselin, lawn gnomes continue to flourish in suburban and country areas because the hazards of lawn gnome ownership remains a silent problem.

      Yes, we citizens and neighbors have not spoken publicly about the lawn gnome threat, tolerating their presence in much the same way we tolerate our neighbor’s kids running amok in our gardens, trampling our begonias and smushing our tomato plants before the deer have had a chance to feast upon them.

      THE LAWN GNOME: HISTORY.

      Lawn Gnome historians distributors have traced their American roots scraps back to 1892 when these ceramic creatures sailed the Mayflower and landed on Plymouth Rock, after first being introduced into Britain in 1847 by Sir Charles Isham, some chap I never heard of.

      Before arriving in Britain, earlier in the century, lawn gnomes enjoyed years of decorative domicile decadence in France as well as Germany, where the first known gnomes were discovered in a small town called Gräfenroda {Gra-#@!%}. Other historians’ have traced the gnomes to Poland where they once frolicked in meadows and drank from fountains filled with Poland Springs, until they were trapped and sold as lawn pets to French and British consumers.

      In 1997, the plight of the lawn gnome spurred the creation of a French civilian brigade known as the Garden Gnome Liberationists Front (GGLF), an angry group of ceramic do-gooders who banded together and stole the gnomes from neighboring lawns then released them into the wild. Years later, a GGLF splinter group in Barga, Italy, established the first European Gnome Sanctuary.

      From The Barga News:

      “For a number of months gnomes have been moving into a small valley in the Province of Lucca in Tuscany, Italy. … Most have decided to settle in the town of BARGA, where they have found a sympathetic population known as BARGHIGIANI who are not only prepared to tolerate the gnome way of life but are even prepared to protect it! … We are proud to announce the first European Gnome Sanctuary here in Barga. … Life here is protected, no more small garden prisons, no more torture (the strimmer [i.e., motorized weedeater] is a thing of the past here in Barga).”[16]

      THE LAWN GNOME: SOLUTION.

      Despite their illustrious notorious history, the underlying threat of lawn gnomes cannot be ignored. I, for one, can no longer tolerate wasting time waiting for hundreds of lawn gnomes and their gnomelings, to waddle across a road, one behind the other, in a long, never-ending line that stretches on for miles, days, and sometimes weeks. I am sick and tired of scraping gnome droppings from the bottom of my shoes and tripping over their pointy little heads hidden in the grass.

      That’s why I’m a proud sponsor of the non-existent gnome remover, www.awaywithgnomes.com, another fine product from the folks at www.awaywithgeese.com, which is real, like a gnome, however the gnome product is not.

      For lawn gnome disposal, place it in a plastic trash bag, twist tie it shut, before inserting into a garbage can, then cover. Shattering a gnome in a controlled detonated blast in an abandoned airfield is also suggested but not encouraged, or crushing it in a compactor until it silently squeals.

      Disclaimer: This site does not endorse the destruction, deriding, or defamation of lawn gnomes. Nor does it support lawn pet gnome rescues or subsequent releases into the wild, although it is a proponent of lawn gnome birth control solutions and products.

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      Spam Facebook Friends.

      Mr Successful.
      Antonietta Willa.
      Ross Dalang.
      Curtis Mignon.
      Bettyann Kimberley to smelly132.
      Shaquita Arnette.
      Jon C.
      Lan Shirely.
      Hyper Jadulz.
      Bra.
      Marquita Skye.
      Zola Nereida.
      Hiram BODREA.
      A Friend.
      Maddie Gwendolyn.
      Melvina Linsey.
      Suzann Sixta.
      Maud Lean.
      Chiquita Cindi.
      Alyssa Jacquetta.
      Flora Adella.
      Cammy Chelsey.


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