A Note to Satan from a Dissatisfied Customer of God.

Lucifer, by William Blake, for Dante's Inferno...Image via Wikipedia

Dear Satan,

Is Satan correct or do you prefer Lucifer (very dashing), or The Antichrist (kind of formal) or Jezebel (a bit feminine but not as bad as Leslie)?

If I pissed you off, feel free to shower my lawn with  fire and brimstone. A brief explanation follows.

Since the beginning of January, my grass, once a lovely flexible green, is now a hard shell of its former self and resembles a just waxed kitchen floor.  

At night when the light hits a mound of snow in a certain way, it looks like a glazed donut.

Walking is no longer an option. Sliding is the preferred mode of transport to get from one side of the lawn to the other only to be suddenly surprised to find the road.
The torturous slip-slide to the other side must sound like business as usual to you, but I fear there’s an evil underfoot … before it falls on its ass.

In my thinking, all this ice and snow is really phase one of a hostile takeover attempt by God to own more than half the shares of Satan Enterprises. He must be stopped!

To bring you up to speed on my own piece of hell, I’m including a note I recently sent to God in reference to his frequent scheduled snow deliveries.

According to the website LoathsomeLawyers.com, on occasion you handle pro bono cases against God, who continues to smite my lawn with snow and ice despite my objections. To date, he has not responded to the note I sent or countless emails before that.

Perhaps, he is distracted by the logistics of the hostile takeover attempt, or is vacationing in another century, or has given up on the human race all together. We are a pain in the ass most of the time and often can’t find the time to pray.  But, Satan, be assured to know that we can always find the time for you.

Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated. If you’d prefer some type of barter arrangement in exchange for your services, I wouldn’t mind enduring hotter summers or garbage pick-ups twice a month instead of weekly. Lately, we haven’t had any garbage pick-ups at all. Just deliveries of God’s wrath of white trash from the sky.

If you’re not too busy planning any world disasters in the near future, I would love to have a face-to-face with you, just as long as I get to keep my soul.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon and having this matter resolved.  

Best wishes,

Lauren : )

bcc: God

PS – I swear a lot and love to watch R-rated horror movies about you and your jolly band of demons.

A big thank you to Sandee at Comedy Plus, a blogger with a warm heart and geographical location, for suggesting the idea for this post. Comedy Plus is a great place to stop by everyday for a hearty laugh. I think Sandee is the only person in the country not suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

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A Note to God from a Dissatisfied Customer.

Dear God,

This is my last attempt to contact you after hundreds of emails I sent bounced back, “Mailbox full.” I have to say that lately, your customer service record has been less than sub par.

Over the past month, it has become apparent that you’ve increased your precipitation deliveries from a monthly to a weekly schedule. This has created a backlog of snow on my front lawn, which is becoming increasingly difficult to move since other homeowners also report overstocked inventories.

Because of your accelerated manufacturing timetable, I have already exceeded my overstretched snow removal budget and leg muscle expenditure in addition to winter slippage costs allotted to time spent on my ass.

If you do not reduce your current snow delivery schedule, there is a chance you may lose my business.

In moderation, snow is actually quite lovely to see on perennial plants and limbs of sleeping trees. Are they really sleeping? 

However, once snow reaches the point of excessiveness, it becomes tiresome to look at and can have devastating psychological and physical effects. Besides suffering a tremendous financial loss, I’ve been experiencing precipitation anxiety, outdoor paralysis, and poor eyesight from harmful snow-reflected UV glare.

God, I understand that you sometimes work in mysterious ways, but the only mystery here is when you intend to stop producing such large quantities of snow. As of today, February 2, just after barely starting the winter season, my lawn is so profoundly inundated with snow a yardstick is no longer an appropriate means of measurement.

Do you foresee a decrease in manufacturing in the near future or do you intend to continue your weekly scheduled deliveries? If a snow slow down is not imminent, I can only imagine that this must be a test of restraint to see if I can open the shade in the morning without screaming, “Oh! Shit, not again!”

I admit that in the past I’ve been a bit of an agnostic, as well as a praying opportunist. Is the disproportionate amount of snow traceable to my childhood when I begged you for all those snow days off from school?

If I did, in fact, overuse my praying privileges back then, I dare say you need to teach me a lesson by unleashing a snow apocalypse is a bit heavy-handed. It reveals your tendency to hold grudges and your love of sour grapes. A shrink would call it a transference of anger related to events taking place in the Garden of Eden.

Now I understand why atheists live in hot places.

God, as I sit here writing this note to you today, I received yet another delivery of precipitation, albeit ice. Therefore, I hereby demand that you immediately cease and desist producing excessive quantities of snow and other snow-related compounds.

If your weekly deliveries continue, I will have no other recourse then to hire Satan and resolve this matter in court.

Yours sincerely,

Lauren

Where Have All the Windows Gone?

The office where I work boasts lovely views of the parking lot from four windows, soon to be zero.

Image by Ateo Fiel via Flickr

We are moving to new digs, literally, in the basement of the building. I literally hate the word literally.

 

700 Beacon Street's Color photo processing dar...Image via Wikipedia

There will be zero windows in the basement. Count them! Zero, since we will be working underground, like rats or moles, although we will be in a far safer place in case of a terrorist attack from visiting Midwest tornadoes or Biblical locusts.

Today we discussed the end-of-days scenario in our cubicles and feared the worst until one brave soul dodged the Spam fields of cyberspace to discover WindowSane.com – the faux window solution for any subterranean hideaway.

Happy days! Our office will once again have four, uh, er, faux windows.
 

In addition to a view of Lake Tahoe, one of the oceans (don’t know which one), and autumn, the season of death, WindowSane offers nine European vistas, which are really views but are called vistas instead, and a porthole frame view of an ocean harbor (? harbor), a sunset, and the planet Saturn – yes, you’ll think you’re in outer space.

WindowSane is insane and I love it! Btw, I’m not pimping for them. I just think the idea is hilarious. I’m an easy laugh.

Here’s the QVC video I snagged from YouTube. It gets weird and is a bit long but the campiness kept me wondering how much wackier can this get. I turned it off about half way through.

What’s your view of the faux window views?
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Mentamucil-The Natural Brain Laxative.

When You’re Blocked.

The number one preferred brain laxative of non-institutionalized shrinks, Mentamucil contains natural brain fiber that adds bulk to gray matter where thoughts matter most.  More brain fiber less WTF moments.

Taken daily, Mentamucil  improves colon and comma health by helping you move your vowels regularly. No more discomfort from introspective constipation or awkward moments from embarrassing brain farts. With Mentamucil, you’ll be able to clear your head without clearing a room.

Just one serving of Mentamucil in the morning eliminates frivolous thought retention throughout the day, while relieving painful word bloat.

Mentamucil also reduces the occurrence of hem and haw-rhoids, prevents diarrhea of the mouth, and alleviates moodiness associated with Irritable Brain Syndrome (IBS), a leading cause of writer’s block.

So, get Mentamucil today and say goodbye to stifled thoughts. With a daily dose of Mentamucil, thinking will never be a strain.

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      Spam Soap — An Oxymoron and Post Extracted from the Blogger Drainpipe.

      SIERRA MADRE, CA - MAY 29:  Seventieth anniver...Image by Getty Images via @daylife
       
      This is a repost of As the Spam Turns – Tales from Nigeria.
       
       
      I just read a post about spam called Scamming 101 at Leeuna’s great site My Mind Wandered – and it never came back! That’s where I got the idea of reheating the spam. 

      Leeuna is a very funny humor writer, so when you get a chance, please stop by her site. She also needs some love since she’s been sick with the flu and is BNH – Beyond Nyquil Help.

      AS THE SPAM TURNS – TALES FROM NIGERIA.

      (A long distance phone call off a short Nigerian pier)
      VIVIAN
      Hello Friend. Please excuse my English. I learned it from watching reality TV. How are you doing today including your work, I hope all is well with you.
      FRIEND
      I’m fine. but my work is not.  Maybe you haven’t heard. The U.S. economy sucks, but I’m being rude. What did you say your name was?
      VIVIAN
      Before I proceed I will like to introduce my self very well to you. My name is Mrs. Vivian Salife; I was born in South Africa but I work and live in West Africa, I am 32 years old. I worked with the Union Bank of Nigeria Plc as the Senior Accountant In my branch.

      FRIEND
      Ah. Yes. Vivian. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you or Samuel. How is he?
       
      VIVIAN
      I am a widow to late Samuel Salife, my husband died as a result of political gang up in the nation and after the death of my husband things became very much difficult for me and my only son Ali who is critical sick in the hospital right now Suffering from heart problem that needed to go through surgery operations as the doctor confirms.
      FRIEND
      Oh God! What a horrible run on sentence and terrible news about Sammy’s demise. My heart goes out to you about Ali’s health problems. Also, what exactly is a political gang up? Does it have anything to do with hookers? It must have been devastating.
      VIVIAN
      This made me to run into a serious dept with my bank and many other people helped me to make sure that I saved his life.
      FRIEND
      Do you mean dept (short for department) or debt (short for insufficient funds)? How many people are helping you save Ali’s life – half of North America – and what is the money being used for?
      VIVIAN
      All this money was been paid as part of deposit to the hospital where my son Ali is taking an emergency treatment.
      FRIEND
      Can you be more specific? —
      VIVIAN
      Please dear I really needed your assistance in this business which I will introduce you into now so I can save the life of my only son through this business.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Ah. So, he’s the only son of Sam. What can I do to help? I bet it has something to do with oil and a Nigerian bank.
      VIVIAN
      There is a man his name is Mr. Ziya Bazhayev, he is doing a contract with Chevron and Shell Oil Company in South East zoon in Nigeria as an Oil Barron.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Where exactly is South East Zoon? And how can I get a job as an Oil Barron?  Haven’t seen that job posted yet on Craigslist. But please tell me more about this man.
      VIVIAN
      This man made a deposit of 6.2 million dollars in our bank branch before he died, beside am his personal accountant when he was making this deposit in our bank branch through my desk.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      That is such sad news about this man, which I assume is a nickname for Ziya. I’m so sorry that everybody you know is either dead or dying. Poor this man.
      VIVIAN
      (Crying and blowing nose in my ear)
      this man have been so good to me when he do visit our bank and he is the President of the Oil Alliance Company, he died on Yak-40 aircraft, on a charter flight from Moscow to Kiev on March 9,2000.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Why did you let him into the vault so soon after Sammy’s death? That can’t be good for Ali’s heart. And, why was the Yak-40 aircraft named after a wild ox? No wonder the plane went down. Unless, it was because of an active fund. They emit ash clouds that can clog airplane engines.
      VIVIAN
      Moreover this fund has been dormant in his account with our Bank without any claim of the funds in our custody and the banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed for nine years, it will be forfeited to the Bank treasury as an unclaimed bill it is only a foreigner that can stand as a next Of kin.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Only a foreigner or next of kin can claim the money? Which one am I? Are we related? If so, when is your birthday? I’d like to send a card.
      VIVIAN
      My dear I want to seek your permission to have you stand in as next of kin to our late customer so that this fund will be released and paid into your account as the rightful beneficiary’s Next Of kin now that the bank is still expecting a Next Of Kin to come claim the fund. I have all the information about this man which will help us in this business.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Do you need my bank info? I’d be happy to give it to you since I am a foreigner, as well as a long lost relative. Just tell me how I can help. Btw, do you ever use punctuation?
      VIVIAN
      What I want you to do is to stand as the next of kin, you don’t need to come down here my dear, all you need is to follow my instructions so that we can work as one.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Thank goodness because I’m broke. Oops! I blew my cover. I was trying to get your bank account info, too. After all, we share the same DNA. Is that the same as DNR but with a different letter? Speaking of which, how can I find out more about the plane crash?
      VIVIAN
      You can equally read more news about the plane crash on these Websites, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/672849.stm
      FRIEND/DEAR
      Thanks for the link. What will my cut be on this?
      VIVIAN
      You will get 40% of this money as soon as it gets into your account and I will come over with my only son Ali so you can help me fine a very nice hospital where I can treat him.
      FRIEND/DEAR
      I’ll make up the guest room for you. Can’t wait to meet you and Ali.
      VIVIAN
      I wish to hear from you the moment you might have finish reading this massage.


      FRIEND/DEAR
      I could really use a massage. Email scams make me tense.
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      Best Dead Stuffed Animal Gifts for the Home.

      I took this photo myself.Image via Wikipedia

             Top Selling Items

      • Guinea Pig Paperweights.
      • Parrot Wall Hangings – Wonderful decorative accents for any room.
      • Persian Cat Hand and Foot Warmers.
      • Hermie the Hamster and Gerry the Gerbil – Rodent Replacements. You never have to feed them.
      • Goat Drying Racks for the Mudroom.
      • Hedgehog Book Ends.
      • Pig Banks – For long-term saving. After stuffing the coins down the pig’s throat, they have to be surgically removed.
      • Kangaroo Umbrella Stands.
      • Platypus Paper Holders.
      • Pygmy Horse Supports for Lawn Jockeys.
      • Pelican Designer Wastebaskets.

      Please feel free to add to the list.

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      Doctors Say Hurricane Season May Cause Tropical Depression in Some People.

      Tropical Storm Erika

             Image by Desirade via Flickr

      At a recent meeting of the Shrunken Shrinks Alliance, a radical splinter group of the National Psychiatric Association, keynote speaker Dr. Stanley Turdgarden passively-aggressively shocked psychiatrists by revealing how he first discovered the correlation between storm and psyche.

      “… When news of a hurricane hits the airwaves, my phone never stops ringing, and quite frankly that depresses me,” said Dr. Turdgarden. “… Just knowing that I have to drive 30 miles to my office every day when I could be out lounging by the pool is a real downer.”

      Afterward, Dr. Turdgarden told Headcase Daily, a weekly email subscription service, “The rise in patient visits can be attributed to lightning crashing into low hanging cumulonimbus clouds. It’s like hitting your head on a cabinet door that was left open. When the two fronts collide, they create an electrical imbalance in the air, as well as in the sensory area of the brain and then people don’t know WTF to think.”

      He went on. “Many people struggle with thoughts like, ‘Should I be happy that it’s finally going to rain and turn all the brown grass in the yard green, or should I be sad that there’ll be more grass to mow?’ It’s natural for folks to be confused under such adverse weather conditions,” said Dr. Turdgarden.

      “I, for one, don’t know whether I should be watching HBO or Netflix during a storm, unless of course there’s a blackout, and then I’ll be watching the insides of my eyelids,” he laughed, and then stopped to reflect for a moment before continuing. “That’s interesting. I said whether you know like the weather. I wonder what that means. It might have something to do with my mother sending me out to play during a blizzard when I was a kid.”

      Dr. Turdgarden offered this advice to the public. “During hurricane season, folks should avoid listening to weather reports or any weather-related news and instead start drinking Mai Tais at 10 a.m. That way they’ll stay off the roads and out of the rain. A nice tropical island delusion works wonders in times of duress. Fantasizing about swimming in warm aquamarine waters during a tropical depression is like taking a psychotropic drug without all the side effects.”

      Dr. Turdgarden is counting down the days to the end of hurricane season so that he can scale back his schedule and spend his time doing what he loves best. “In the fall, after the damn phone finally stops ringing, I can get out onto the golf course again and start hitting some balls.” As an afterthought, Dr. Turngarden added, “That sounds so Freudian.”

      Members of the Shrunken Shrinks Alliance agree with Dr. Turdgarden’s findings and intend to publish a paper on the storm-psyche phenomenon later this month despite outrage from the National Psychiatric Association. When asked about the NPS’s reaction to the paper, one SSA spokesperson said, “We hope the whole thing blows over.”

      Washington Think Tank Issues Egghead Recall.

      EggsImage via Wikipedia

      Earlier today, a Washington think tank known as The Smart Ass Association, issued a statement that it would be voluntarily recalling 170 million eggheads due to laboratory confirmed cases of the Ignaramous Stupidous virus associated with some of the eggheads.

      The Smart Ass Association said that the eggheads included in the recall had been working as interns for Rick Santorum, Dick Armey, and Harry Reid, as well as BP and several undisclosed Wall Street firms currently under investigation.

      When questioned by reporters about the slow response in contacting the infected eggheads, a spokesperson for The Smart Ass Association said, “Okay. So, it was my fault. I admit it. I deleted the email. I thought it was infected with a virus. What’s another day or two in the scheme of things? At least we didn’t have to locate 170 million eggs.”

      At this time, scientists are not certain how many people have been infected by the Ignaramous Stupidous virus. Fred Syphilis, of the CFND (Center for Funny Named Diseases) speculated that “The virus could affect as many as 1.5 billion people.”

      Dr. Syphilis continued, “So far we know that 3,000 people have been infected by the virus,” he said and then added this startling revelation. “In the final stages of the disease, a victim will sit for days on a couch while staring blankly at a TV screen watching reruns of America’s Got Talent and the Glenn Beck Show.”

      Dr. Syphilis warned, “It’s best to catch this disease early on. If you or a loved one begins exhibiting any of the following symptoms, immediately go to the nearest emergency room. Early symptoms include making up words like “refudiate”and comparing yourself to William Shakespeare, making plans to build a mosque near ground zero, or making comments, like

      “I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.”
      – George W. Bush – presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004.

      Health officials said that the Ignaramous Stupidous outbreak started in May after about 2,000 cases of stupidity were reported and could continue for months even years.

      The CFND recommends that eggheads stay away from television sets, as well as the Internets and read classic novels like Moby Dick, Crime and Punishment, or A Tale of Two Cities to avoid contracting the Ignaramous Stupidous virus. 

      In closing Dr. Syphilis said, “If we aren’t successful in recalling all the infected eggheads, we may see millions of cases of stupidity for generations to come.”

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