White House Pulls The Plug On Meals On Wheels

Caution Elderly CrossingConsidered a non-essential item in the White House budget, the Meals on Wheels program will likely be terminated along with grandma — “Whose life expectancy exceeds her value to society,” according to the budget overview.

“Non-essential spending on people who’ve outlasted their expiration date will be shifted to essential budgets like the military, to help pay for wars caused by Trump‘s early morning Twitter rants.”

A White House aide cited the President’s recent tweet on North Korea and China as a reason for the increase in military spending.

Trump Disses China

“We started an office pool in the West Wing on who will attack first,” but then refused to reveal the country on which he placed his bet.

He told reporters that Trump’s poor diplomatic skills also factored into the budget increase “because of POTUS‘s tendency to insult world leaders not amused by him.” The aide emphasized the importance of shutting down non-essential programs to maintain a strong military “by killing off the weaklings that are almost dead anyway.”

During a recent White House briefing, Press Secretary Sean Spicer justified the White House’s decision on Meals on Wheels. “The President’s goal is to shift government spending from old people programs like Meals on Wheels to the youth-centric Parking Space Restoration Plan that eliminates handicap parking and wheelchair ramps.”

Reporters responded with aggressive handwaving and yelling in an effort to ask follow-up questions, which ended abruptly when Spicer threw a shoe at a reporter who spoke out of turn and got a timeout in the back corner of the room.

The briefing resumed a few moments later despite Spicer’s inability to locate the shoe he threw at the reporter. “It’s unbelievable,” he said. “That I can’t find my shoe… and that money is wasted on failing programs like Meals on Wheels…”

He continued. “Feeding people who have no interest in living or eating is a counter-productive use of public resources and an unnecessary drain on the Federal budget. Look, no one’s thriftier than I am,” then he lifted his shoeless foot and wiggled a toe through a hole in his sock.

“I’m thrifty but at least I can feed myself. Old people need to get with the program or leave the planet,” he screamed. “They need to get their ass out of bed, grab their cane, hobble down to the corner market and buy their own damn food. No one wants to watch them eat anyway,” he said, then made an “ew” face.

“For years, public resources have gone to the deadweights of society, people who no longer contribute to the workforce or their family. No one wants to hear their kids complain about grandma’s wheelchair always getting in the way.”

Maria Gloom, a 90-year-old great-grandmother enrolled in the Meals on Wheels program was invited to watch the briefing from the green room. A career government analyst for over forty years, Maria agreed with Spicer’s assessment. “He’s right,” she said. “I’ve got no family and don’t deserve to eat. Why the government continues to waste money on me I’ll never know.”

“It’s true. She’ll never know,” said a Meals on Wheels spokesperson on hand during the interview. “Maria suffers from dementia. Since there’s no one else to care for her, the government is her family now. And it’s unconscionable that the government to whom she’s devoted her life wants to take away the program that keeps her alive–”

“So, I can feed my cats,” Maria interrupted. “Meals on Wheels pays for my damn cats. How’s that for government waste?”

The Meals on Wheels spokesperson noted that Maria didn’t have any cats.

“I used to,” Maria protested. “Until the pussy grabber took them away.”

Spicer wouldn’t confirm or deny what Maria Gloom said but added, “Look at her. She’s all wrinkled like my Nonna.”

A public outcry against the White House budget prompted Maria to tell reporters. “Just give my money to veterans. They deserve it more than me.”

To which, Spicer responded, “We’re purging funds for veterans, too.” Then, he concluded the questioning, grabbed his shoe from a reporter’s mouth and left the briefing room.

DeVos To Rollout Her Vodka Soda Swap Plan For Schools

Higher education depends on a higher tolerance to alcohol. ~Betsy DeVos

Betsy DeVos speaks at CPAC 2017

By Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons

In Betsy DeVos first action as Secretary of Education, she called for an expansion of Michelle Obama‘s healthy school lunch program, introducing her plan to replace sodas with vodka in school cafeteria vending machines.

A spokesperson for Stolichnaya confirmed reports of airplane-sized bottles being flow into schools across the U.S. “They can mix it with tomato juice,” said Anton Borscht. “Very healthy for the little ones.”

Betsy DeVos agreed. “Rather than serve our children soda that’s high in fructose, we can start them on a smarter healthier path to adulthood.”

When pressed about the possibilities of students falling off their chairs drunk during class and an increase in DWIs, DeVos explained. “The bottles are so tiny a child would have to consume 10 in order to fail a Breathalyzer test. An expansion of the Patriot Act’s school surveillance program will nip that problem in the bud.”

Still, child sober advocates issued a statement condemning the DeVos Vodka Soda Swap Initiative.

Secretary DeVos is sending the wrong message to parents and children nationwide. The unprecedented consumption of vodka by elementary school age students would produce a generation of future alcoholics and undermine the public education system.

DeVos disagreed.

We know about the harmful effects of soda as a primary cause of childhood obesity. Vodka would produce a calmer, healthier generation of kids by eliminating anxiety caused by the pressures of a competitive educational system which often leads to binge eating.

The Vodka Soda Swap Initiative would save millions of taxpayer dollars. President Trump’s deep-seeded relationships with Russian Oligarchs would enable him to negotiate ‘amazing deals’ that would drive the price down on imported vodka and ultimately be far less expensive than soda.

An increase in local police budgets as promised by the President would provide additional boots on the ground in public schools to prevent the abuse of alcohol by students and stop them from leaving the school grounds while intoxicated.

DeVos believes that rebuilding the nation’s public school system can start by ‘making smart choices that save public dollars and get kids drinking healthy again.’

“I had my first vodka and tomato juice when I was in junior high,” DeVos recalled. “It was one of those aha moments when you realize ‘this will change my life for the better.'”

Her family refused to comment on reports that after consuming her first alcoholic drink, DeVos walked into a wall and broke her nose. Though in a rare moment of candor, DeVos admitted, “I didn’t’ feel a thing.”

As far as other plans to improve the public school system, DeVos hinted at major initiatives in the future.

We’re considering eliminating gym and installing virtual athletic video rooms. We can then scale back on hiring teachers and shrink the bloated education budget. I know how to save public ed money. I did it in Michigan as the Republican Party chairwoman. I destroyed the public school system and education in general by funneling public school funds to sketchy charter schools that provided subpar education to our kids.

Kids today are lazy and need to be more proactive in their learning. The Internet has many wonderful free educational videos on YouTube. We should take advantage of these free supplemental aids and incorporate them into the education system. This way a child can be more involved in their educational road maps and design their own individualized program that best suits their needs.

My Vodka Soda Swap Initiative will get kids on the right track by making them more confident and open to trying new things.

DeVos declined to comment on the health problems related to alcohol addiction and impact it would have on the health system in the future.

“Healthcare is a quagmire for Congress to figure out,” she said, and then walked into a wall.

New Trump, Same As The Old Trump

Trump Thank You TourDuring the President’s first address to Congress, television viewers watched the relaunch of President Trump. A New Trump, who looked like the Old Trump but didn’t insult anybody. Before stepping behind the podium, Old Trump pressed an imaginary reset button he thought would erase all the bad things he said over the years.

It was obvious that he had perfected his new personae. No hateful rhetoric from the New Trump who stuck to the script and played a role that he executed as flawlessly as the Hollywood counterparts he had lambasted in the past as “overrated.”

New Trump read words off the TelePrompter really, really, well without going off script *mostly.* He didn’t demean Mexicans, Muslims or the disabled and even used some of them as props. He spoke about the need for a family leave bill, comprehensive immigration reform *giggle* and passing bipartisan legislation *LMAO*. New Trump didn’t demonize the press or intelligence communities but still managed to zing Obama on the “incredible mess” he left behind. Then, blamed the generals for the botched raid in Yemen which somehow was Obama’s fault, too.

This Trump didn’t insult women and even magnanimously introduced Melania as the First Lady, who smiled and waved on cue. The audience clapped while waiting for Trump to announce the Second and Third Lady, too. Disappointment overtook the room when he never did, prompting a negative response from a Frank Lutz Focus Group.

After the applause died and the GOP tired from standing, they fell back into their seats, ready for the TelePrompter to continue spiraling into another episode of the Twilight Zone. Everyone sat with anticipation as New Trump promised to revive a dead coal industry and actor Rod Serling who never popped in from the afterlife to take a bow.

New Trump continued his Academy Award-worthy performance, spewing Ambien words he hoped would calm a jittery electorate, nervous about the Old Trump who constantly loses his shit. New Trump dispelled their concerns as the GOP smiled collectively, pleased by the performance of their reality TV show celebrity, reciting his lines at the podium without a glitch. New Trump enjoyed the attention bestowed on him, emitting a pulsating orange glow.

Clearly, New Trump had convinced a skeptical crowd that he was up to the job of TV President and now had new legions of devoted fans, all of them staring at him with an unwavering focus, never leaving their seats to go to their gender-specific restrooms. His lovely captivated audience wouldn’t dare leave the theater because their ankles had been manacled to their seats.

“No shoe shots,” yelled the director from inside the control room. “Everything needs to look authentic. Like with all fiction projects, it must be grounded in reality.”

Sweden Incident: The Migrant Meatball Crisis

The sneeze heard around the world.

On top of spaghettiThe cause of the Sweden Incident became clearer late Sunday night in newly leaked information from the Trump White House. A kitchen in Stockholm is the focus of the investigation that involves a plate of spaghetti and one migrant meatball that went missing during an early bird special.

Reports from Stockholm indicate that an unidentified elderly female patron in a housecoat shuffled up to a plate of spaghetti “all covered with cheese” and sneezed on it, catapulting the meatball from the plate, which then “rolled off the table onto the floor.”

An arrest still has not been made as authorities struggle to contain the chaotic scene at the restaurant, while they search for the gray-haired perpetrator and breaded meatball. Chef Casper, who plated the dish of spaghetti and meatballs, has barricaded himself inside the kitchen refusing to speak to reporters.

Meatball sightings have been rolling into the 800 number posted at the Culinary Meatball Institute since the Sweden Incident was first reported hours earlier. However, the authenticity of these reports cannot be verified until authorities have sifted through all the calls.

At this hour, the Sweden Incident continues to unnerve a jittery country just days after the infamous Bowling Green Massacre struck fear in the hearts of U.S. citizens.

Updated at 8:45 PM

In late breaking news, officials confirmed information on the meatball’s whereabouts. A waiter at the restaurant had reportedly spotted the meatball as it “rolled out of the door,” according to several bystanders requesting anonymity.

Other eyewitnesses stated that after it rolled out the door, a pedestrian spotted the meatball in front of the restaurant in a state of “obvious distress or possibly sauced,” according to the local authorities. Then, “it rolled in the garden and under a bush.”

Officials immediately descended upon the garden in an attempted search and rescue operation to locate the meatball and return it to the kitchen.

Shortly after commencing the operation the meatball was located, prompting cheers from onlookers that quickly changed into audible gasps. Emergency responders told Stockholm authorities that the meatball was found in poor condition, described by someone on the scene as “nothing but mush.”

EMT workers were still hopeful they could save the meatball, scooped it up with a spatula then medevacked it to a local hospital where it was placed in the ICU.

Later, hospital officials announced that the “meatball had succumbed to its injuries despite efforts to save it.”

A forensic expert was called in to extract a section of meat for testing and ingested it, telling authorities that “The mush was as tasty as tasty could be, ” adding, “I’m confident that early next summer it will grow to a tree with great big meatballs and tomato sauce.”

As the CSI team wrapped up the investigation, local authorities arrested the suspected sneezer identified as Typhoid Mary, included on the WHO terror watch list, as revealed at a press conference in the hospital lobby. A WHO representative could not be reached for comment.

During the press conference, a reporter from the fake news site, Ai yai yai!, interrupted the proceedings with, “WHO could not be reached for comment?”

To which the official responded, “Exactly, WHO?”

The questioning continued for several minutes before another reporter asked, “What?”

This was immediately followed with an adamant, “No, WHO?”

Chef Casper would not respond to reporters’ requests for a statement, as he was inconsolable about the loss of his meatball and instead released a written statement to the Culinary Meatball Institute:

“If you eat spaghetti all covered with cheese, hold on to your meatball and don’t ever sneeze.”

The letter can be viewed in its entirety at a website dedicated to the survivors of terrorist sneeze attacks on minced meat.

30 Minus 2 Days of Writing III, Day 1: Gouda Jones

 

 SAY GOUDA!

The story of Gouda Jones, a former cheesemonger and Wisconsin resident, is a source of pride and embarrassment for Gouda’s loyal fanbase of Cheeseheaads and Happy Hour enthusiasts.

There was never any doubt Gouda Jones had a nose for cheese. She could detect the finest cheese aromas from miles away with her extraordinary sense of smell. Her legendary smelling ability was admired by cheese connoisseurs and nasal allergy sufferers across the globe and earned her a place in history as the first Nobel Nose prize recipient.

Gouda was often called upon to select the cheese served at celebrity cocktail parties. Her decision to serve a Camembert at a Justin Bieber shindig was applauded by the cheese community but condemned by local authorities as the reason Justin Bieber egged his neighbor’s house. “He was high on Camembert at the time,” the Sheriff of Hollywood remarked.

The incident prompted a backlash of bad press for Gouda who fled the country for Canada, which ultimately ended her cheese celebrity career.

One wild night of partying in Toronto, snorting coke and Splenda with Mayor Ford and his gang of thugs, sent her to the THE SMELL AND TASTE CLINIC in Pennsylvania after her nose exploded. She was airlifted to the University of Penn., with cartilage fragments packed in ice, where doctors unsuccessfully attempted to reassemble her nose and reattach it to her face. Over Gouda Jones objections, doctors were forced to perform a radical Swineoplasty using a a pig snout to rebuild her nose.

Gouda Jones’ memoir, “Life in the Cheese Lane” is scheduled for publication in the fall of 2014. Her publicist would not confirm or deny rumors that Gouda will be wearing a fake nose and glasses for all public appearances.

Nasal.

Nasal. (Photo credit: Tom Mooring)

I’m participating in We Work for Cheese‘s Third Second Annual writing challenge, 30 Minus 2 Days of Writing, a.k.a. 28 days of torture. Today’s writing prompt is “Gouda.”

Note: ReplyMe Comment is not working. You will not receive a notification email when someone responds to a comment until I call BlueHost because it’s totally their fault. And honestly, calling BlueHost is the last thing I want to do today.

 

 

 

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Connecticut Town to Build Country’s First Cell Tower Museum

 

Earlier today anchor Blitz Wolfer of the Crap News Network sat down with Mayor Ragu Macaroni to talk about the Mayor’s plan to build a Cell Tower Museum in Ridgeburyville’s scenic tourist district. This is a transcript of the interview.

BLITZ WOLFER

Mayor Macaroni, thank you for taking time to speak with me. I hope you stay awake until the end of the interview. Some viewers fall asleep from the sound of my voice.

MACARONI

Thank you, Blitz. I just had four cups of coffee and a Red Bull. I’ve got a catheter bag in my pocket, and I’m good to go. I never miss an opportunity to be on TV. And please call me Ragu. Continue reading

The Internet ADHD Experiment

 

Scientists using the focally-challenged as lab rats.

The Internet is more addictive than crack because it’s as pervasive as air.

Shiny Object in the Sky

Earlier today, the Fantasy News Network (FNN) uncovered a massive secret program in which ADHD individuals are unwittingly being used as test subjects in one of the most ambitious experiments in human history, in cooperation with Google, Bing and social media sites.

An unnamed and unverified source reportedly told FNN’s John Jester that in 1970, the military and Al Gore secretly co-founded The Shiny Object Project, a.k.a. the Internet ADHD Experiment, to monitor the behavior of ADHD individuals while surfing the Internet, to determine how it affects their brains.

Funded by the military and private investors, The Shiny Object Project (SOP) has been secretly studying ADHD test subjects through their search criteria, i.e., Googling old flames and searching for dirt on obnoxious co-workers, in addition to monitoring how many hours a day a test subject spends on Facebook playing Farmland and posting adorable pictures of their pets. Continue reading