Sheriff Launches Beer with Queer Program in Alabama

The Baffletown County Sheriff’s Department takes Obama’s beer sit down seriously. Ben When, a reporter from the Flummox Daily News, sat down with Sheriff Dipschitz and asked him about his Beer with a Queer Program.

DIPSCHITZ

Yessur, I like what the President’s doing even though I don’t believe he’s really the President. He was born in Canada, you know, in Labrador. I had me a black Labrador retriever once. They’re good dogs.

WHEN

Can you tell me a how this program got started?

DIPSCHITZ

It’s like this. You see, we don’t have enough musical thee-aters down here. Lately, Mrs. Dipschitz, God love her, has been nagging me to death about going out to a show. So, I said to myself, Dexter, we need to get ourselves some queers down here and get musical thee-ater going again. Since most queers in the state hide in closets, I thought, that ain’t healthy being stuck in a closet with mothballs and the poufy clothes they wear. So, after I heard the nig—uh, er, President speak about making peace between that nig—uh, er professor and the police officer, I got me an idea. Get the queers out of the closet and bring back musical thee-ater to Baffletown. That way I get the bit—uh er, Mrs. Dipschitz off my back.

WHEN

How does the program work?

DIPSCHITZ

First, we had to promise them queers. I mean gays. You know they ain’t called queers any more. I had to promise them they wouldn’t get beat up or her-assed. Had to sign a contract with them. They might be light in the step, but they’re tough son-of-a-bitches at the negotiating table. The program works like this: every night one of my deputies sits down with a qu—uh, er gay at one of them local biker bars to share a beer and talk about. Hell, I don’t know what they’ll talk about.

WHEN

Do you think a biker bar is the best place for a sit down?

DIPSCHITZ

Hell, it’s the only place for a sit down. All we got is biker bars in Baffletown.

WHEN

How are you handling all the resignations?

DIPSCHITZ

Yeah, that’s a sticky point. After I announced the program, all my deputies quit. So, in addition to looking for qu—uh, er gays, we’re looking to hire six deputies.

WHEN

What are the requirements for a deputy position?

DIPSCHITZ

They’ve got to pass a physical and take a test.

WHEN

What kind of test?

DIPSCHITZ

It has questions like: What was the first movie Barbara Streisand starred in? If they know the answer, they lose a point.

WHEN

Doesn’t a question like that exclude gays from joining the Sheriff’s Department?

DIPSCHITZ

Yep. That is true. But I can’t have no qu—gays in the department.

WHEN

Why is that?

DIPSCHITZ

My Beer with a Queer Program wouldn’t work. It has to be gay on straight, not queer on queer. What kind of program would that be?

Secret CIA program hidden from Congress found in Cheney’s pants

 

Limited public appearances while Cheney was still in office tied to secret program.

Earlier today, an anonymous source told the Washington Retro Times, “It all makes sense now. Cheney intentionally scaled back his public appearances to avoid bringing attention to the bulge in his pants – an encrypted wireless device used to gain control of George Bush’s brain.”

The Times reported that the clandestine program went by the code name, “Walk like a duck,” and ran concurrently with the other secret counterintelligence program also withheld from Congress. CIA Director, Leon Panetta wasn’t surprised. “Now we know why Cheney always had that pained expression on his face.” said Panetta. “He was carrying a load in his pants.”

The startling revelation continued to rock Capitol Hill late this morning and prompted Democrats to call for an investigation. “If it’s true that Cheney secretly controlled George Bush’s brain for the past eight years, it’s a game changer,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “We need to know who was really running the show.

“It also raises complex constitutional issues that I would not touch with a 10-foot pole or any other European national. In particular, I’d like to know why Cheney never put that wireless control of his to better use during those God-awful State of The Union addresses broadcast on every—single—station. Bush could have been transmitting HBO or Showtime, which would have been a hell of a lot more entertaining than that drivel on Niger and yellow cake. Personally, I like my cakes black, chocolate all the way down to the core.”

President Obama was more pointed in his comments. “As a constitutional scholar, I have to say that these revelations are deeply disturbing. To think that for eight years the Vice President of the United States wirelessly controlled the President’s brain with a device hidden inside his pants is astounding and frankly makes me ill. It also explains a lot about the glitches in George Bush’s speech patterns. Apparently, there aren’t enough hot spots in Wyoming.” The President added. “At this time, I would not rule out the appointment of a special prosecutor. This matter requires further investigation. There’s a strong possibility that Vice President Cheney might be hiding other things in his pants. Maybe, we’ll finally find those weapons of mass destruction.”

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham disagreed. “I think Vice President Cheney was right to keep it in his pants. When you have a device that is so highly sensitive and technically sophisticated as an encrypted wireless remote drive you have to keep it under wraps. You just don’t know who could get their hands on it.”

Vice President Cheney could not be reached for comment. However, one of his aides issued the following statement: “You idiot. I told you I had nothing to tell those ass-wipes. Don’t’ write this down!” Vice President Cheney later retracted his statement and then proceeded to shoot the aide in the face. The aide is said to be recovering at a veterinary facility somewhere in South Texas.

 

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