Disappearing Jobs Linked to Magic Cape Missing from Homeland Security Rec Room.

Embracing the illusionary powers of magicians Harry Houdini, David Copperfield and Criss Angel, American companies increasingly use magic to make jobs disappear in the U.S. and then reappear overseas.
Frans Hals - Portret van een manImage via Wikipedia 

For several years, economists have blamed the precipitous loss of U.S. jobs on a black magician’s cape that went missing from a classified location behind a soda machine in the Department of Homeland Security rec room. 

Forensic accountant Monet Grubber told the bankrupt publication Unemployment Times “that the black cape sucks money and jobs from the economy like a giant Dyson DC24 and then dumps them into a plastic collection bin that ends up in China and India.”

Back in January 2010, Peoria resident Sara Schmutz, an insomniac and avid blogger, reported seeing Caterpillar CEO Doug Oberhelman dangle a large black cape from his corporate jet while flying below the radar.

Said Ms Schmutz, “It was 3 a.m. I just finished writing a blog post about how my husband leaves his comb over hair in the drain after he showers when I heard the rumble of airplane engines. I looked out the window and saw a plane clipping the top of trees. I knew it was Oberhelman because his jet was flying so low I could see the Caterpillar symbol on the tail.  

“Oberhelman had this twisted look on his face as he uttered the word “abracadabra” into a microphone. Then, I heard a ping and a Google email alert dropped a note in my in box saying that millions of U.S. jobs had vanished.

“Soon after, a loud sucking noise rushed past the house rattling the shutters and shaking the walls. Pictures fell, chairs shifted and I accidentally deleted my blog post. That’s when I really got pissed.”

Later that morning, Americans awakened to a higher unemployment rate, while China and India gained jobs overnight.

Labor Secretary Hilda Solis had strong words for Mr. Oberhelman. “I don’t know how the hell he got hold of the cape. We keep it secured in one of Al Gore’s lock boxes in the basement of Homeland Security. Only the President, Congress and lobbyists know the combination.”

When a reporter from Unemployment Times questioned Homeland Security’s decision to give the combination to Congress and corporate lobbyists, Ms Solis replied; “Well, we had to have a back up plan in case Hawaii’s copy of President Obama’s birth certificate turns out to be a forgery. We drew straws to see who would get the combination and since Congress and the lobbyists had the most straws, they were the obvious choice.”

Since the Hilda Solis interview with Unemployment Times, the location of the black cape remains a mystery, as thousands of jobs continue to disappear from U.S soil.

As recently as January 2011,
AT&T plans to cut 1,600 jobs across the mid-west increasing speculation that AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson has the cape. Mr. Stephenson denied the accusation but would neither confirm nor deny whether he had the combination to the lock box.

Al Gore could not be reached for comment.

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It Takes a Comedian to Save a 9/11 Bill.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

Jon Stewart Snakes Clogged Congressional Pipes in Passage of 9/11 Bill.

After a Republican filibuster on Dec. 10, the 9/11 responders bill sank to the bottom of the Congressional crapper against a mammoth clog of bullshit left by Republicans who felt that the $7.4 billion price tag was too high. Yet, Republicans had no problem voting for an extension of the Bush tax cuts that will cost approximately $860 billion.


Despite impassioned pleas by two New York Senators and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the bill’s passage still appeared hopeless until one vocal advocate, comedian Jon Stewart, devoted an entire episode of the Daily Show to the 9/11 bill.

It was only then that the elephants in the chamber stopped chomping on their nuts long enough to snake the mammoth clog of bullshit in the Congressional crapper, thus allowing the 9/11 bill to pass though the Federal sewer system also known as the U.S. government.

Not even the broadcast news voiced their outrage of the filibuster or covered the story while the 9/11 bill languished at the bottom of the Congressional crapper and instead devoted time to more important issues, like iTunes acquisition of the Beatles music catalog.

The Jon Stewart episode on the 9/11 bill kneed the network news establishment in the groin as the painful realization of the importance of reporting the 9/11 bill’s progress radiated down their legs.

Once the Daily Show episode aired, slamming the Republican filibuster and the broadcast networks failure to cover the bill for more than two months, Congress reshuffled their priorities and the networks began to cover the bill’s progress.

To put this all in perspective, it took the passionate pleas of a satire news host to slap cold water on the face of the Republican party and to resuscitate the hearts and minds of the network news establishment.

Other voices weighed in on Jon Stewart’s advocacy of the 9/11 bill, as noted in a Dec. 26 article in the New York Times:

Eric Ortner, a former ABC News senior producer who worked as a medic at the World Trade Center site on 9/11, expressed dismay that Mr. Stewart had been virtually alone in expressing outrage early on.

“In just nine months’ time, my skilled colleagues will be jockeying to outdo one another on 10th anniversary coverage” of the attacks, Mr. Ortner wrote in an e-mail. “It’s when the press was needed most, when sunlight truly could disinfect,” he said, that the news networks were not there.

  
Sadly, this illustrates the broadcast networks propensity to air stories they feel will appeal to the masses rather than to actually report the news. That’s why I, and likely others, watch CNN and The Daily Show instead or read the news online where I know can  find cogent news stories and not fluff about a Paris Hilton drug bust.

I’m not a doctor, or play one on TV, but I can see through my progressive lenses, pun intended, that things are broken in Washington and on my TV.

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Secret CIA Program Found in Cheney’s Pants.

Official portrait of Secretary of Defense Rich...Image via Wikipedia 
More dusty words from the back of the blog shelf. 
Sun July 12, 2009
 
My spin on the article: 

Limited public appearances while Cheney was still in office tied to secret program. 

Earlier today, an anonymous source told the Washington Retro Times, “It all makes sense now. Cheney intentionally scaled back his public appearances to avoid bringing attention to the bulge in his pants – an encrypted wireless device used to gain control of George Bush’s brain.”

The Times reported that the clandestine program went by the code name, “Walk like a duck,” and ran concurrently with the other secret counterintelligence program also withheld from Congress. CIA Director, Leon Panetta wasn’t surprised. “Now we know why Cheney always had that pained expression on his face.” said Panetta. “He was carrying a load in his pants.”

The startling revelation continued to rock Capitol Hill late this morning and prompted Democrats to call for an investigation. “If it’s true that Cheney secretly controlled George Bush’s brain for the past eight years, it’s a game changer,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “We need to know who was really running the show.

“It also raises complex constitutional issues that I would not touch with a 10-foot pole or any other European national. In particular, I’d like to know why Cheney never put that wireless control of his to better use during those God-awful State of The Union addresses broadcast on every—single—station.

“Instead Bush could have been transmitting HBO or Showtime, something a hell of a lot more entertaining than that drivel on Niger and yellow cake. You see, it really all comes down to personal taste. And I happen to like my yellow cake with chocolate frosting.”

President Obama was more pointed in his comments. “As a constitutional scholar, I have to say that these revelations are deeply disturbing. To think that for eight years the Vice President of the United States wirelessly controlled the President’s brain with a device hidden inside his pants is astounding and frankly makes me ill. It also explains a lot about the glitches in George Bush’s speech patterns.

“Apparently, there aren’t enough hot spots in Wyoming.” The President added. “At this time, I would not rule out the appointment of a special prosecutor. This matter requires further investigation. There’s a strong possibility that Vice President Cheney might be hiding other things in his pants. Maybe, we’ll finally find those weapons of mass destruction.”

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham disagreed. “I think Vice President Cheney was right to keep it in his pants. When you have a device that is so highly sensitive and technically sophisticated as an encrypted wireless remote drive you have to keep it under wraps.You just don’t know who could get their hands on it.”

Vice President Cheney could not be reached for comment. Though, one of his aides issued the following statement: “You idiot. I told you I had nothing to tell those ass-wipes. Don’t’ write this down!” Vice President Cheney later retracted his statement and then proceeded to shoot the aide in the face. The aide is said to be recovering at a veterinary facility somewhere in South Texas.
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Palin’s Unabridged Words to Nowhere.

Make sense of what doesn'tImage by joestump via Flickr

YOU SAY MOSQUE. I SAY MOSQUITO.

What’s that buzzing noise?

It’s Sarah Palin‘s words swarming from my TV set and circling my head.

Yes, Sarah Palin is back in the news because there’s a new controversy in town – the ground zero mosque – a wedge issue she can really sink her teeth into.

In an attempt to capture the spotlight and stir up further anger on the proposed construction of a mosque two blocks from ground zero, Palin tweeted in Palin-Speak or Tweety Birdese …

“Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn’t it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate,” Palin said via Twitter.

This sparked a controversy from the controversy or controversy2.

So, let’s parse her, uh, er words. Nice parallel use of heart and heartland although I would have bypassed the heart stab metaphor and had gone with a more relatable image. Something with more of an ER or Gray’s Anatomy appeal, like heart attack, heart disease, or heart failure. How many people do you know that have been stabbed in the heart?

And the remaining phrase … “as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate.” Okay, so, Alaska isn’t one of the heartland states and refudiate isn’t a real word but what Palin says isn’t reality based any way. You peaceful Muslims -You know who you are – will understand that.

The press wasn’t amused by Sarah Palin’s revisionist carnage of the English language.

From The Epoch Times (not to be confused with the New York Times):

…She used “refudiate” rather than “refute,” which prompted several media outlets to make clear that the former isn’t a word.

In response, Palin used her extensive knowledge of English Literature, she learned in a correspondence course from an advertisement she saw in Moose Life Magazine, to educate the press on the importance of using made up words, as noted in this CBS News article.

Palin shot back and Tweeted: “English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!” 

Here Palin compares herself to William Shakespeare in addition to issuing the startling revelation that words are alive and may in fact have a brain, unlike Palin, whose thoughts are transmitted from an alien spacecraft, originating from the planet WTF that hovers above Wasilla land. 

Incidentally, the William Shakespeare to whom Palin refers is a resident lush who drinks from a local watering hole. The patrons refer to him as Bill because he never pays his.

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Companies Hiring Monkeys Instead of the Unemployed

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey...

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey (Cebus albifrons). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Image via Wikipedia

 
OUT OF WORK?

Well, now you may be out of luck unless you love a good swing on the vine.

Back in 2009, companies began hiring trained monkeys to fill empty job slots instead of unemployed workers, a practice that Jillian Hand Human Resources Manager for LockJaw Industries has found to be quite successful.

“Monkeys can learn repetitive actions just like humans but don’t require bathroom breaks or lunch hours,” said Ms Hand. “Sure they fling their feces when someone approaches a desk. But that’s why we teach an in-house clinic called “The Artful Dodger.”

“In fact,” Ms Hand continued. “Monkeys are the ideal employee. They always remain at their desk, as long as their workspace includes a vine and a bin of bananas. Monkeys never talk back, chatter away happily while they work, and don’t require raises or bonuses. They are model workers.”

Ms Hand also admitted that during job interviews, monkeys were easier to handle than unemployed job applicants.

“When dangling a job like a carrot in front of an unemployed worker’s nose, they lunge for it over the desk, upsetting pencil cases, papers, as well as stacks of cash used as bait.” We found that hiring the unemployed was bad for company morale because they’re so desperate. They pout and moan while riding the elevator, have dark rings under their eyes, and often smell like beer.”

LockJaw Industries is the pioneer in hiring monkeys and more companies may soon follow.

Temporary Agency Recruiter Miles Dirtwad agrees. “It’s definitely a trend worth watching. Lately, I’ve been placing more chimpanzees than humans for data entry and mail room positions, as well as jobs that require filing and running personal errands. Monkeys can hand deliver an interoffice memo much faster than humans. Sometimes monkeys show too much excitement by jumping up and down and screeching but employers love their enthusiasm.”

Other recruiters believe that hiring monkeys is bad for the economy and the reason for such high unemployment numbers. Mary Marcus of the Tickle Temp Agency is infuriated by the practice.

“As long as companies keep hiring monkeys to fill empty job slots and not unemployed workers, the job market will be a zoo. The jobless will continue camping outside my door crying and leaving tissues in the hallway. Sure monkeys are crackerjack typists but they’re terrible on the phone, and companies also have  seen a rise in their cleaning bills. And what about the price of bananas? The practice of hiring monkeys will not last forever.”

Jillian Hand did express some concern after a crowd of monkeys met after work at a local hang out called “The Cage.” One monkey carried a sign that said, “Yes, we want more bananas.”

She shook her head. “I hope this was an isolated incident. We had to fire the monkey. He’s back at the zoo flinging feces at people that get too close to the cage.”

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Louisiana Fishermen Catch The Oil Vapors.

A beach after an oil spill.Image via Wikipedia

Eau De Petrol.

If you were to ask BP chief executive, Tony Hayward, what was making New Orleans residents sick, he would tell you that it was food poisoning

 

Regardless of the fact that fisherman James Wunstell of Galliano stated in an affidavit that . . .

. . . he suffered headaches, nose irritation and a spike in blood pressure while working on his boat in the spill zone, where he said planes were spraying chemical dispersants.

Nothing about diarrhea or vomit, which would clearly indicate that he had ingested tainted seafood from an, uh, er, oily fish. And I don’t mean tuna.

Clearly Mr. Hayward was himself affected by the oil vapors when during a CNN interview, he first floated the notion that food poisoning made James Wunstell sick.

“I’m sure they were genuinely ill, but whether it was anything to do with dispersants and oil, whether it was food poisoning or some other reason for them being ill,” Hayward said. “You know, food poisoning is clearly a big issue when you have a concentration of this number of people in temporary camps, temporary accommodation. It’s something we have to be very, very mindful of. It’s one of the big issues of keeping the army operating. You know, armies march on their stomachs.”

No, I didn’t know that armies march on their stomachs. Did one of your engineers do extensive research to uncover that fact? Scary!

Speaking of stomachs, I’m feeling rather sick from the garbage being spewed from Mr. Hayward’s mouth. And I’m miles away from ground zero, safely tucked away in the bowels of the northeast, where the air is thick with domestic methane gas. At least, we accept full responsibility for our leaks. Most of us, anyway.

Mr. Hayward, you need to accept full responsibility for yours, which includes minor details, like, say, poisonous air.  If your company decides to build a deep water oil rig, with shoddy engineering, in the Gulf of Mexico, you should be prepared for the worst possible scenario. My bad. I implied that BP was prepared . . . after building a rickety rigged rig.

Actually, I would guess that most of the oil companies are not prepared to handle an oil spill of this magnitude or mignitude.

You’d think that years after the 1979 Ixtapa, Mexico oil spill, the oil companies would have developed the technology to handle such a crisis, but no. They’ve developed technology to advance their abilities to drill in deeper water. This sounds vaguely familiar to “putting the cart before the horse.” At least a horse drops methane turds, which can used as an energy alternative. How ironic is that?

Not only does BP need to clean up their act, as well as their oil, they need to change their name from British Petroleum to “Busted Pipe dream.”

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Sarah Palin Magazine: Straight from the moose’s mouth to your bleeding ears.

Camp Buehring, Kuwait - Alaska Governor Sarah ...Image via Wikipedia







Oprah she ain’t!

Sarah Palin Magazine – Coming soon to a newsstand near you. (They still have those?) The only magazine with run on sentences and fictionalized accounts of the facts.

“The genesis of it was really simple,” said Steve LeGrice, the publisher and editor of Imagine That. “We’re up here in New York, and there was clearly this huge enthusiasm for Sarah Palin . . .

He must be confusing New York with Russia. She can see it from her house, you know.

” . . . and at the same time all the people in the media world were sitting around scratching their heads” about how people could support her.”

Scratching their heads because of the lice they contracted from the free hats she may have been handing out. The hats, that once belonged to a minion of moose she shot with an AK-47 from a helicopter, were immediately recycled and placed into the promotional drawer upon extermination of the hosts. She used Dick Cheney on the ground as back up, instructing him to aim his rifle in the opposite direction, thus ensuring a direct hit.

“What we decided to do is put out a magazine all in her own words,” he said — a magazine “without any opinion or anything added in.”

Wink. Wink. Nod. Nod.

The Palin issue contains what LeGrice said are family pictures of Palin not previously published by a magazine — including her as a child with her siblings and a dead bear bleeding over a stump; picking through shot white birds; holding a cardboard box of fish freshly caught at an ice hole; and with moose antlers still attached to a fragment of bloody skull.

Charming. Sounds like one of my family pictures minus the dead bear bleeding over a stump and other sordid animal carnage.

 “I want people to know what I stand for and judge me on that … read in my own words who I am. Don’t believe the things that are made up,” the magazine quotes Palin as saying.

It was horrible how CBS doctored the footage of the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin interview to make Sarah look like an idiot. That’s right! They didn’t have to touch a thing, thus saving CBS the need to incur the extra expense. Palin really was an idiot and couldn’t name one newspaper she read. I guess she had better luck with magazines, which is a great reason to launch one.

So, walk don’t run to your nearest newsstand (I swear the last one I saw was on the corner of 42nd and Park) or convenience store to get your copy of Sarah Palin Magazine, retailing at $8.99, around the same price she paid for building her Wasilla house.

Will you buy a copy of Sarah Palin magazine to
A.  read?
B.  cover the bottom of your bird cage?
C.  display in magazine racks at abortion doctors’ offices?
D.  bonk right wing extremists over the head every time they say something offensive?
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While passengers barbecue on Labadee Beach, Haiti, the dead burn in Port-au-Prince.

 

Cruise ships still find a Haitian berth | World news | The Guardian

You can travel to Haiti to help the relief effort by military cargo plane, coast guard, or cruise ship, although military and coast guard vessels don’t enjoy the same amenities as a Royal Caribbean Cruise luxury liner.

Sixty miles from Haiti’s devastated earthquake zone, luxury liners dock at private beaches where passengers enjoy jetski rides, parasailing and rum cocktails delivered to their hammocks.

Amenities aside, the military does have the luxury of learning the island culture by mingling with dead Haitians in the earthquake zone, while taking in the local scenery, even if it means moving bodies or slabs of concrete out of the way to relish breathtaking views of charming villages reduced to rubble. Nothing captures the spirit of Haiti more than a walk through a local marketplace cluttered with decaying carcasses, crushed trinkets, and smoldering native crafts.

If the earthquake has you all shook up, no problem, man, just take a zip line excursion over a white sandy beach where the only debris you’ll see are washed up shells and seaweed.

In Royal Carribean‘s defense, they do employ hundreds of Haitians and are providing help in the relief effort.

“We also have tremendous opportunities to use our ships as transport vessels for relief supplies and personnel to Haiti. Simply put, we cannot abandon Haiti now that they need us most.”

But do they have to have such a damn good time doing it?

Should Royal Caribbean have stuck to their itinerary and docked sixty-miles from the earthquake zone?

 

 

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