I Am a Danger to My Blog

 

Scream Cropped

Scream Cropped (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Danger WordPress! Lauren has entered the admin dashboard!

Over the past four years, I’ve made many blogging blunders, from blowing a deal with a content syndication service by writing a post about Polish Spam, to breaking the footer on my blog. But of all the blogging blunders I’ve made throughout the years, I think I’ve outdone myself this time.

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My Photo Op Addiction

 

Most days I slip behind the wheel at 9:30 a.m. and head to work, long after rush hour has lost its zip. During my twenty-minute drive, I usually spot a photo op or two. Yesterday, there were five, Yes, FIVE! Just five minutes into the trip. Kind of ironic, I know.

9:35 – Photo Op #1

On the dashboard, the song, “Fruitcakes,” suddenly appeared on the screen. I wanted to take the shot … had to take the shot, but the adult in my head said, “No! Don’t do it!”

“But, but … It’s a funny picture.”

“If you take it, you’ll be late!”

“You’re right,” I said, as sweat dripped down my face; I white-knuckled the wheel and continued on my way. All the while, “Fruitcakes” stared at me from the dashboard and then disappeared a few minutes later.

My adult high-fived me. Somehow I found that elusive, fly-by-night trait, known as self-control, and didn’t give in to a quick photo op fix.

But my Zen moment didn’t last long.

I was tested again at a four-way stop.

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Help A Naked Poster Today! Frame It and Save It!

 

Do your walls draw a blank when they stare back at you? Does the white bright hurt your eyes?

Well, your eyes are trying to tell you something you already know. It’s time to fill in that glaring space on your wall with that naked poster that’s hiding behind a trunk in the attic.

Rescue it from the dusty darkness, dress it up and then put it in its proper place – in a snazzy poster frame on the wall, looking framed and fabulous. Now you can show your friends the poster you bought at the Rolling Stones Concert in ’65 instead of just talking about it.

Finding a perfect poster frame is too much work, you say.

I say it’s easy peasy. No effort at all. In fact, you can find a perfect poster frame that’s Rolling Stones worthy while sitting on your couch potato cushion watching MTV. Just pick up your iPhone, laptop or iPad and let your browser do the work.

Yeah, that’s right. Your browser. It’s a beast of burden and you’re the brains behind the beast.

Say what? You don’t have a Rolling Stones poster. Well, what’s stopping you? Rock your dull white walls with a retro psychedelic ’60s poster. It’s music to your decibel battered eardrums because it’s easy on the eyes and ears. It will save you the embarrassment of using the wondering “What?” too many times, which leads to too many dropped calls.

Don’t like music? Film aficionado instead? That works, too. A frame can dress up any naked poster or picture from your collection.

Yes, I believe a poster should enjoy some R&R time, unrestricted and flapping in the wind. But let’s be real! A free range poster will get ripped and tattered if not tucked safely inside a frame.

That’s why I dress up my posters in a frame. I don’t want them to get yellow poster jaundice.

Please, save a naked poster today!

Set it free from the dusty darkness and let it sing on your wall beneath the lights.

Do your posters have yellow poster jaundice?

 

The Week That Hit The Fan

 

The AC in the ICU will be DOA soon.  It’s 27 in human years or 150 in air conditioner years.

Freon’s dripping through holes in a tube causing a mid summer system freeze, like a PC’s CPU though desktops blow hot air mostly. The AC blows both hot and cold.

Doubles2xIt’s cantankerous and groans and often forgets where it leaves its keys. Last year it suffered from incontinence and leaked onto the floor in the utility room and then flowed into the basement. We should hire a visiting nurse to stop by every day to make sure the AC doesn’t fall or forgot to take its meds.

It’s also short tempered at times, yells at little kids to get off our lawn. I’m sick of apologizing to the neighbors about our rude air conditioner. When I ask it to be more sociable, it just hisses at me.

Nothing works. I’ve even tried grounding it. But the compressor hums happily outdoors where there’s no pressure. Besides, you can’t punish your elders, especially when they’re venting at you.

I rush home from work to make sure the AC’s still alive. On the way home in toasty 87 degree heat, I press several buttons on the dashboard for maximum cold air velocity.

A few minutes later, my back and butt bake on the hot faux leather. Menopause? I’m sure. But I’m wrong. I accidentally turned on the heated seat. Perfect end to a day in which I wadded through thick wet air, knee deep, without a life preserver.

And then back home again to the sound of the AC grunting and hocking up tube sealant while my password dysfunction shifted into fourth gear. A hacker from Tabasco Sauce, Mexico tried to log in to my email and burn my account.

I saw red, changed all my passwords and then five minutes later forgot them. Must be a symptom of underemployment isolation. That and creeping brain fog, both an evil distraction and my best friend.

It talks to me along with the AC and the characters in my head while my ears ring from a lack of social contact; silence at work and then at home, where I crank out the crazy, a jack-in-the-box, wound up tight, pops when the music in my head stops.

How’s your week been?

Halloween Christmas Light Fusion

 

Christmas Lights in October – Preposterous!  Ludicrous!  Daft!

Who would consider such a notion? It’s a holiday faux pas. You can’t mix and match the holidays.

But what if you can? What if you could hang Christmas lights on Halloween – red or green or multi-colored Christmas lights – combined with the fun and fright of October’s most creative night?

When I think of Halloween, I think of characters and cartoons. No one knows cartoons better than Disney does. They know how to crank up the fun on Halloween. But if you’d prefer to use your noggin to conjure up your own Halloween fun, imagine the possibilities of a Halloween Christmas light fusion. Here www.christmaslightsetc.com/christmas-lights.htm are the gadgets and gizmos for creating your homespun Technicolor production.

Put some pizzazz in a pumpkin: switch out that combustible lackluster flame for a snazzy chromatic Christmas light.

Your jack-o-lantern will be the coolest and safest in the neighborhood and won’t bake before the night is done unless you want pumpkin pie on Halloween instead of Thanksgiving.

Dress up a doorframe, primp up a picket fence, trim the candy bowl and table with red and green Christmas lights. The neighborhood kids, moms, and dads will flock to your door.

So stock up on colorful candy and ornamental bulbs.

Drape cobwebs across the front porch and in the front hall then embellish the look with the iridescent glow of Christmas lights. Turn a spider web into a flashy disco.

After all, Halloween is a time of frolicking fun. It’s like wearing your online avatar in the terrestrial world.

It is the perfect occasion to unleash your imagination.

Create a crown of battery powered flashing lights and wear it on your head then go trick or treating. You will amaze your friends. You’ll be the Pied Piper of Halloween, a beacon in the night.

Don’t stop there. There are more holidays to mix and match.

Build a snowman on the Fourth of July.

Give your mom an Easter Basket on Mother’s Day and then make her an egg soufflé.

The holidays bring us back to the innocence of childhood and the imagination that embodied our youth.

Don’t let it go! Let it glow! Brighten your life with blinking Christmas lights!

How to Think Like a Writer

 

Most people think like this: ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­B&W­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­B&WB&W

But writers think like this:

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We can’t help ourselves.

While driving to work I think about imaginary characters, or the tarp in the back of the truck in front of me that looks like there’s a body beneath it, or the street sign I just passed that was called “Bread and Milk.”

Bread and Milk Road

I don’t think about paying the bills, or going to the supermarket, or if the kitchen floor needs to be waxed. Normal humdrum stuff doesn’t get caught in my brain.

“How come my brain doesn’t work like yours?” you may ask. “Mine isn’t equipped to think in bizarro writer mode.”

That’s where you’re wrong, my B&W thinking friend. It’s like what Glinda the Good Witch told Dorothy at the end of the Wizard of Oz, “You had the ability to get home all along.”

Which incidentally pissed me off that she waited until the end to tell Dorothy that.

You, my B&W thinking friend, just need to start looking at the world in a different way.

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Writers are from Mars and Visit Often

 

Mars, 2001, with the southern polar ice cap vi...

Mars, 2001, with the southern polar ice cap visible on the bottom. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During the pubescent Salkin years, I used to think humans were Martian spawns. I don’t know where that idea came from. I guess the same place all weird ideas came from – the sky … and UFOs.

Sometime later during my teenage years, after I got my first typewriter, a thought hit me between the eyes.

You have an imagination and like to write about weird stuff, which makes up an imagination. I sure do like puns.

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