Blogger, Writer, Tech Support Stalker

Computer spiral of deathWhen you buy a piece of Internet real estate, you inherit all the quirks.

After three weeks of the dashboard doldrums, I can finally write again without waiting five minutes to login, and another 10 to access a draft.

On the phone with GoDaddy support ten times or more (maybe a billion) over the past several weeks. I had an opportunity to meet everyone on the team, or so it seemed.

Though none of the calls technically fixed the problem — slow dashboard osmoses — all the tech helpers were really nice. They took their time to show me around the GoDaddy dashboard because mine was on hiatus for reasons unknown.

What was the problem? It depends on who you ask. The Google said “my template.” GoDaddy said “my template.” But in fact, the template had never slowed dashboard access before.

I had a theory. It was either the Sucuri security software, activated around the same time the dashboard became sluggish. Or, Colonel Custard in the library with a candlestick.

Since I don’t know Colonel Custard and my house doesn’t have a library, Sucuri became the prime suspect.

None of the “so-called” experts agreed with my hypothesis. But after hours on the phone with tech support, learning how the GoDaddy dashboard worked, someone accidentally nudged me in the right direction. And I stumbled onto the “speed test” button, pressed it and hoped I hit the jackpot.

Instead, a very important looking page, with lots of words, popped up before the test ended. Speed Test Button tapped me on the shoulder and said, “You’ve got issues! Try again!”

I know I have issues. I don’t like hanging out in crowds or making small talk at cocktail parties. But Speed Test Button wasn’t talking about me. I had to remind myself. “It’s not always about you!”

Since learning that “something wasn’t kosher” in the dashboard, I signed up for speed test No. 2. Yes, there was a second speed test.

During speed test No. 2,  I received a message from a higher-power, Speed Test Button, who told me, “I can’t find your site, dumb-ass, because the DNS address is wrong.”

“Holy crap! I’ve got a DNS problem!” I shouted. “What’s a DNS?”

I had no idea but didn’t care. I clicked the link that showed me how to fix the DNS thingy, copied the new address into another window with other DNS addresses. (I had never seen so many DNS addresses in my life.)

After I pasted the numbers into the window and saved the settings, I thought, “I can really screw things up if this is wrong.” But I hit save anyway because I knew GoDaddy could restore a backup of my blog if it imploded or disintegrated into nano-bytes.

I immediately hung a U-Turn back to my blog and logged into the dashboard rather quickly.

“It was the DNS thingy!” I shouted to my dog, who yawned and went back to sleep. “Woo-hoo! I didn’t break anything!” (that of which I was sure).

But what caused the DNS outbreak?

I have a theory and it involves Sucuri. I think the software install settings were wrong.

For three weeks, I had to sloth my way around my blog dashboard. I’d click on the posts list and wait while GoDaddy loaded the page, and waited, and watched the spinny thingy somersault in place in an endless display of its gymnastic abilities. Of this I soon grew bored.

Interestingly, I still can’t login to my dashboard on Google Chrome unless I’m in incognito mode. Yes, I put on a wig and glasses and sign in to my account. Not really. It’s a double-secret setting in Google Chrome in plain sight on the taskbar.

What did I learn from my three weeks of DNS hell? Next time hire somebody to fix it.

Back to writing. I can stop dabbling in the nuances of tech support which is above my pay grade anyway.