The Next Big Thing – Hint – It Has Nothing to Do with Porn!

 

The Next Big Thing Blog Hop

I’m thrilled to be participating in a blog hop called, “The Next Big Thing.” I was tagged by humor writer June O’Hara @ The Neurosis Files and asked to answer ten questions about my most recent writing project.

Here are my responses:

Ms. Salkin —

Please call me Lauren.

Lauren, where did the idea for your book or project come from?

I had written a short piece about being unemployed and realized that I had a longer story to tell. Rather than torture my husband, I struck the computer keys.

Pile of Jobs Sent

A pile of cover letters and help wanted ads

What is the working title of your book?

I’d rather keep that between the title and me.

What genre does it fall under?

It’s a tongue-in-cheek memoir — a tricky balance between sitcom levity and raw honesty— during a time I stared at the bottom of a metaphorical birdcage, while hanging upside down from the perch.

If applicable, who would you choose to play the characters in a movie?

Tina Fey or Amy Poehler if Amy (we’re on a first-name basis) wouldn’t mind dyeing her hair brown for the part, or I could dye my hair blonde. I’m flexible.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your manuscript or project?

How I survived unemployment and the voices of mass destruction in my head.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

I hope to be represented by an agent. If any agents are interested, I’d be happy to rearrange my schedule so we can meet.

How long did it take to write the first draft of your manuscript?

Six months. The revision has taken over a year. I hope to complete the manuscript in the next week or two.

What other book would you compare this story to within the genre?

Marrying George Clooney because it involves a midlife crisis and crisis of mind, like mine.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

I was pissed off and needed an outlet for my rage. I felt it was healthier than stalking an ex employer and threatening him.

What else about the book or story might pique the reader’s interest?

If you’ve ever been underemployed, unemployed or happily employed, you’ll be able to relate to my book. I write about the, often, bizarre world of interoffice politics, the difficulty in parsing the truth during an interview and the frustration of dealing with incompetent maniacal bosses.

In the precarious new world disorder, many of us have been fearful of losing our jobs, our homes, our minds. I lost two out of three. Thankfully, my husband and I were always able to pay the mortgage because we ate lots of Macaroni and Cheese.

With that, we end the interview. Ms. Salkin, thank you for your time.

You’re welcome. It’s Lauren!

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Got Fiscal Cliff Fatigue?

 

  I’ve got the cure!

Cure for Fiscal Cliff Fatigue

Take two and don’t call me!

 

Call your Congressman!

Oh, that’s right. Your Congressman is on vacation, probably off somewhere with his mistress or mister downing shots of liquid cheer. Joy to the world and all that crap.

What’s that sound? It’s the echo from an avalanche of money cascading down the fiscal cliff.

 

I’m participating in Silly Sunday. Silly Sunday is the place to come for weekly laughs. Hosted by Rhonda of Laugh-Quotes.

 

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Tech Essential Transporter for the Home

This post is brought to you by My Life Scoop – get tips for a connected lifestyle at MyLifeScoop.com

Beam Me Up Honey!

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Homestead Barco Transporter

Homestead Barco Transporter for People Who Hate to Exercise

Climbing up a flight of stairs can be tedious and exhausting, especially after a long day at the office. Hiking up twenty steps is the last thing you want to do and risk straining a muscle or falling down stairs.

With the Homestead Barco Transporter, the only step you take is into our highly customizable hover pod with comfy chair, Wi-Fi hookup, cup holders and folding tray table/steering wheel. Rising two feet off the floor, the Barco Transporter easily passes over thresholds and toys scattered across a room.

The Barco’s flexible design provides angle up and angle down trajectory with a turn of the steering wheel, and adjusts to fit through narrow doorways and corridors. The state-of-the art propo-air-flow motor propels it forward and in reverse.

Every Barco Transporter comes with its own helium tank. And refill tanks are delivered right to your door by a local Barco Transporter helium dealer.

You’ll relax in luxury as the Homestead Barco Transporter whisks you from room-to-room on a cushion of air.

No more sprained ankles from tripping over the dog or cat. No more breathless sprints to the bathroom or panicked runs to the baby’s room. Just speak a command into the microphone, and the Homestead Barco Transporter will take you to your pre-programmed destination.

The Homestead Barco Transporter is available in single or double units, reaches speeds up to ten miles per hour and is tough enough to handle the outdoor elements. Windshield wipers, heated cushions and rumble seat can be purchased separately, along with our highly intuitive one-touch chauffeur sleep mode.

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Why take a chance with physical exercise when you can hover in luxury in a Homestead Barco Transporter, a tech essential for inside and outside the house.

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Newtown – A tragedy close to home

I didn’t know any of the victims of the Newtown shooting. I’ve only been to Newtown once for an interview. I remember the long stretch of road and tree-laden landscape of the town, only twenty miles north of my house.

 

A tribute to the families and victims of Newtown, CT

Burning embers

 

When I think of mass shootings, school lockdowns, and candlelight vigils, I think of Aurora and Columbine, towns hundreds of miles away.

On Friday, a young deranged shooter raised a semiautomatic rifle, with bullets designed to inflict the greatest harm, and repeatedly shot twenty, first graders and six adults, two, just kids themselves, others, with children of their own.

The massacre didn’t happen hundreds of miles away in Colorado or Ohio. The massacre happened, here, in Connecticut, just twenty miles from my house.

Even though I didn’t know any of the families affected by this tragedy of unimaginable proportions, I was affected by their horror, loss, and inconsolable grief. I was shocked and sickened, as I watched the news footage, and thought, “But, it can’t happen here.”

After the veil of shock lifted and the icy realization, “That it did happen here,” gripped my spine, I shed a tear for the families and for the innocence lost, while saddened by the sobering reality that it can, in fact, “happen here.”

Not Newtown, or any town anywhere, is immune from the random shooting of a psychopath. And the notion of living in a place that’s “safe” and “tranquil,” words synonymous with small town life, can be shattered in the fleeting gasp of a horrific moment.

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Blog Armageddon

I Got Hacked – Excuse My Appearance

I’m having technical difficulty and am working on the problem.

Not me personally because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Some pages on my blog may look odd or unappealing.

More odd or unappealing than usual.

Please be more patient than I am.

I’m at Defcon 4!

In addition to dealing with Blog Armageddon (which is way above my pay grade), my dog is scratching at the door because I locked him out. He didn’t get the memo that this is a no barking zone.

At the foot of the memo, in 5-point type, I’ve included a disclaimer about suffering from cognitive dissonance due to acute malnutrition.

I don’t know if I’ll ever eat again.

Perhaps my husband will spoon-feed me Jell-O.

Oh, that’s the dog and I’m hallucinating.

None of this is real.

In an hour or two, my post and I will likely not be here.

Both will have exploded.

You might even see a white screen.

It happened last week.

No need for a med adjustment or to fine-tune your display.

It’s just my effing blog!

Sick of the Same Old Cell Tower Disguises?

Don’t settle for boring when you can dress up your monopole with a fun cell tower disguise!

Campy Cell Tower Disguises is the premier cell tower costume company, brightening lives since 1999.

Our staff of certified microwave Arborists can spruce up any dull cell tower spruce.

And transform this…

 

Into this…

 

Just choose from one of our fun cell tower disguises.

 

Cell Tower Hat

 

Cell Tower Sunglasses

 

Cell Tower Hat and Glasses

 

Cell Tower Sunglasses and Mustache

 

 Or this favorite…

 

Cell Tower Fake Nose and Glasses

 

At Campy Cell Tower Disguises, we are committed to finding the best cell tower disguise to fit your needs.

Why plant a lifeless 150-foot cell spruce in your yard when you can glow in the dark and have fun, too, with one of our Campy Cell Tower Disguises.

Campy Cell Tower Disguises,

If you don’t want to see the same old tower through the trees.

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My Blog Saw God after BlueHost Pulled the Plug



On Sunday night, my blog’s soul left its template and saw a white page.

After floating through the blogosphere for twenty minutes, wistfully remembering a time when its theme filled a tiny void in cyberspace, my blog bumped into God on his way to his weekly meeting with Steve Jobs.

God smiled, laid his hand on my blog’s astral template and said, “It’s time to go back.”

And back it did, awakening on November 24, instead of December 2, the day it died, losing nine days.

My last post, Choosing a Username for Your Self-Hosted Blog, disappeared into 404 purgatory.

 

404 Purgatory

 

In my dearly departed last post, I had ranted about Euro hackers from Ukraine and Luxembourg who tried to log in to my blog with the username “Admin.”

How ironic and odd since neither Ukraine nor Luxembourg was able to break the code. However, China did. Not a surprise since Shanghai’s educational system is the best in the world.

After taking a leisurely stroll through my dashboard, Hacker China created a username for himself and then attempted to upload a file to my site. That’s when BlueHost intervened, pulled the plug and my blog died for twenty minutes.

Hacker China was able to sneak in through the back door because I had not deleted several inactive plugins. I should have listened to Lisa at Inspire to Thrive and BlueHost. But, at the time, I was worried about my dying boiler and lack of heat. The boiler had just turned twenty-five, 100 in people years.

This week I learned more than I wanted about boilers, hackers and plugins. Specifically, inactive plugins, which are as bad as Hacker China who created a username for himself without asking. Bastard!

That’s why I suggest you uncheck “Anyone can Register”under dashboard settings. You don’t want ANYONE to register. They’ll mess with your blog and your head. I have enough murky bits floating in my cerebral cesspool.

The point of my hacker post that lingers in 404 purgatory— never choose a simple username like Admin. It’s the most hackable username in the universe and should be nuked from the English language unless your God given name is Admin.

In addition to losing my post about hackers, I also had to re-install CommentLuv and redo other assorted settings in my dashboard. Stuff I HATE doing. WordPress should have never given me administrative powers. I don’t know how to fix things and I kill plants.

I hope you “Do as I say, not as I do.”

 

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