The Onion Book of Known Knowledge [Hardcover] – You Can Kill Flies with It!

A Definitive Encyclopedia Of Existing Information

Just as the onion is a staple in the kitchen…

English: onion

English: onion (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Onion is a staple in satire…

“Since its founding by a Prussian tuber farmer in 1756, The Onion has expanded into an omnipotent news empire, with a Peabody Award-winning 24-hour cable news network…”

Rightfully, skewering empty-headed cretins with its tuber farmer wit.

 

The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is the perfect Christmas gift for acerbic two-legged carnivores or dullards who enjoy celebrating a holiday that masochists adore.

According to highbrow Onion sources, Christmas is…

“…the absolute worst occasion for a dad to flatly inform his loved ones that he hasn’t been happy for years and that Stephanie makes him feel alive…”

 

Hardbound and ingestible, if you’re a silverfish or booklouse, The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is a literary smorgasburg of tart factual tidbits. 250 pages of alphabetically listed encyclopedic snark, with charts, maps and illustrations, a worthy collection of information for the weird history buff or just the weird.

The Onion Book of Known Knowledge is a book coffee tables lust after and love to lay beneath – kinky inanimate coffee table sex – a great conversation starter for the strange uncle that lives under a bridge.

“What’s that book on that there coffee table?”

“Well, Uncle Hobgoblin, that there is the latest book by those wacko commie nuts at the Onion and possibly the last book ever written.”

“Did you say nuts? I’d love some.”

“Someone please toss Uncle Hobgoblin into the recyclable bin for curbside pick up.”

Once he has been carted away, your other quasi-normal guests, whether literate or not, can flip through the book that has lots of words and pretty pictures.

“Compiled and Organized According to the Higher Principles of Intellectual Commerce and Coercion. For the Betterment of Mankind and the Zweibel Family, Specifically –”

 

You’ll have to buy it to find out. It costs $17. Don’t be a cheapskate. No one likes a cheapskate. Just forgo paying one-month’s rent. They can’t kick you out. Not right away.

Where can I buy this awesome book?

Here! Or, here! Just screwing with you. Either link will leave you short $17 bucks.

But who cares? It’s the holidays and there are soup kitchens. So, you won’t starve.

Besides, you can always flambé Uncle Hobgoblin.

Disclaimer: I received a comp copy of the book to write the review.

 

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Shit Happened! Rain, Snow and Windbags at the Polls

In two weeks, a hurricane, election and nor’easter passed through the collective consciousness – I wasn’t conscious. A week without electricity, another (almost) without cable, rendered me comatose.

On election day, a political discussion with a member of the opposing party didn’t go well. Not a good day to discuss politics. Note to self.

The week before, Hurricane Sandy blew past spicy hot Jamaican waters then headed north toward the east coast, breaking wind in Connecticut.

 

Breaking Wind

Afterward, the unwelcome guest left a mess.

 

We were the first to lose power on Monday, 10/30, at noon, the same day we received the warning: widespread outages expected. Not auspicious news for many of us in town hooked on well water – no electricity, no toilets – shit out of luck!

Spaghetti wires

Unless, a noisy gas-guzzling generator plugs into the vitals in a house – water heater, fridge, microwave, and well, the well. We’re fortunate to have one, gas fumes, and all.

By Monday night, the entire town lost power. The day after, people wandered the streets dazed, waiting for the utility trucks that arrived five days later, eight days, for others.

 

On Thursday, 11/1, I drove into town, negotiating the obstacle course on the back roads, littered with deceased trees strangled by power lines. Like a game of Chutes and Ladders, a potential dead-end loomed around every corner.

Branching out

A ten-minute drive stretched into a twenty-five minute odyssey; past flattened fences, upended trees and dismembered branches. Power lines flung across the road like spaghetti.

Offsides

I spotted a CL&P car parked along a street. The driver looked like a retiree. “Any news on the restoration?” I asked.

“What? What?”

Screaming, “Any news on the restoration?”

“They’ll be making an announcement later.”

If they made one, I missed it, because I had no fucking way of hearing one – CL&P, you suck! – or watching the election on Tuesday – Comcast, you suck!

 

Last year, at the same time, we lost power for 10 days following another October nor’easter, hoping CL&P doesn’t break that record.

Access road, not

As of  Saturday, 11/3, Day 6, CL&P has a chance of being inducted into the restoration hall of fame.

At 4:30PM, The Ridgefield Press tweets: CL&P now reports 57% of the town has electricity restored and 43% is still without power. More crews are due Sunday.

I’m part of the 43%.

On Sunday, we saw the lights. Got juiced after 5 PM cocktails, a religious experience.

Monday, 11/5 – still don’t have cable, a luxury I can do without, not really. Are you listening, Comcast? You suck!

Finally, got online today, Thursday, 11/8, after countless phone calls to robotic customer service reps. Two days of stress. Two weeks of hell.

I would have been better off zoning out like the dogs.

Jake  and Jenny chilling after Hurricane Sandy

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