The Ten Canine Commandments

Jenny after breaking one of the Canine Commandments

  1. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s leg
  2. Thou shall not chase the cat when she wanders into mutt air space
  3. Thou shall not abduct a sock, shoe or glove from a wedded pair
  4. Thou shall not kill a rodent and leave it fermenting on the bed
  5. Thou shall not blight my clothing with thy muddy paw prints
  6. Thou shall not bark whilst thy pet parents are soundly sleeping
  7. Thou shall not steal a meatloaf from the counter
  8. Thou shall not gut feather pillows on the front lawn
  9. Thou shall not feast from the cat litter box buffet
  10. Thou shall not lick my face after wiping thy ass with thy tongue

Please add to the list. The Commandments aren’t written in stone.

QB and Me, a Whole Equal to the Sum of our Parts

I met QB back in the 70s at a bar in the lower east village.

He swaggered up to my table, as a friend and I argued over the merits of bookkeeping versus book tossing.

I raised my gaze to a 45-degree angle.

“Hello,“ he said. “You’re a cute little number. I’d like to buy you a drink”

 

I calculated my options, thought the drink would turn a profit, and so I said, “Yes.”

He picked up the tab, and then led me to a table with a prime number of chairs in the back of the room.

In a husky voice, he whispered into my ear, “One plus one equals two,” grabbed a chair, and gestured for me to sit.

He hunched over the table across from me in his tie-dye shirt, a remnant from his sixties inventory of clothing.

I immediately fell for his quirky smile and flashy green eyes. As the night wore on, I discovered he had an even temperament, as well as an extensive database of amusing stories. After three more drinks and a $20 burger, I knew I was in love.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out that no other guy could measure up or even outperform QB’s assets. He had infinite charm and an excellent taste in programs.

To sum it all up, I simply knew that QB was the one for me, a man I could always count on.

Later on, we went back to his place to seal the deal between the sheets. It exceeded all my expectations.

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My Skype Vacation

Last week, I sort of went to San Diego.

My husband traveled there by Jet Blue.

English: A320-232 Jet Blue, N768JB

Image via Wikipedia

I traveled there by Smartphone.

skype phone

Image via Wikipedia

My husband Skyped me from the pool. It was so romantic. He held me tight in his hand beneath a luminous sky, my face pressed against his screen.

“This is the hotel,” he said, capturing the images with his iPhone, as he turned around.

Then, the signal dropped.

He Skyped me again at five o’clock.

We went out for a drink in the hotel lounge. A bartender poured Jim a scotch, while I sat on the bar.

“I’d love a Bloody Mary.”

It tasted rather flat, so I drank in the scenery around me instead.

With drink and me in hand, Jim and I mingled in the crowd.

“Do you want to meet, Frank?” he asked.

“No! I’m in my warm-up suit.”

He didn’t hear me over the din of conversation in the room.

So, I met Frank.

“This is my wife, Lauren,” Jim said to a blurred face leaning into the phone.

“Nice to meet you.”

Several other people stopped by to say hello, pushing their faces into the packed perimeter around the iPhone.

Three minutes later, the connection dropped.

I turned on the TV. Nothing but Republican Primary news. Just Maine caucus talk with lots of ring-wing hooey.

Then, my laptop rang and Jim’s face appeared on the screen.

He sat at a table with five co-workers in evening clothes.

“This is my wife, Lauren,” he said to his cronies, elbow-deep in food.

A fifty-something man nodded with a mouthful of meat.

“If I had known we were going out,” I said. “I would have gotten dressed.”

Jim laughed.

“Can you tilt the phone down,” I asked. “So, I can read the menu?”

He did, but I only saw a blur of white.

A good thing, too, since I only had a turkey sandwich.

Two minutes later the connection dropped.

I went to bed.

The next morning Jim sent me an email from the tarmac.

It said, “Full flight!”and included a picture from the plane.

Jim's right eye beneath reading glasses.

As west coast and east coast time collided …

Jim watched Kitchen Nightmares on the plane.

I watched Person of Interest on the couch.

I landed on my buttocks at 7.

Jim landed on the runway at 9.

Since I lost my vacation connection to San Diego, I found out Skype memories last longer than the tan.

Where did you go on your last Skype vacation?