New Series. CSI: Miami Hypochondriacs.

Miami Beach, FloridaImage via Wikipedia

THEY’RE SMART!
THEY’RE SAVVY!
THEY’RE A PAIN IN THE ASS!
THEY’RE CSI: MIAMI HYPOCHONDRIACS.

INT. LIVING ROOM – CRIME SCENE

TANYA
What a butcher! I’ve never seen so much blood.

TOM
He should have stuck to deli meats. I hope the wife didn’t have an airborne blood disease.

TANYA
Shaking Head
After we wrap this up, let’s go for some aroma therapy.  By the way, I hear the roast beef’s on sale.

TOM
Wait! I think I found something. Bends over, picks up a piece of fabric. Arrrrgh!  He stands up, clutching his lower back.

TANYA
You’ve got to bend from the knees. Though, I once tore a tendon just from standing.

TOM
Examines fabric.
This looks like a piece of deli apron.  Is that Virginia ham?  Bags it. Hands it to a cop. Have the medical examiner check for DNA and apron fibers underneath the fingernails. And get me an I.D. on the ham.

TANYA
Damn! I’ve got a bleeding hangnail. I hope it doesn’t get infected.

TOM
Let me take a look.  He grabs her gloved hand. Owe!  My back. The nail looks very red. That can’t be good. I know a good hangnail specialist. He comes highly recommended.

TANYA
God. I hope he doesn’t have to amputate. I don’t know if I can live with one nail shorter than the rest. It’ll throw everything off balance. How will I ever hold a pen again?

TOM
They have prosthetics.

TANYA
It’s just not the same thing.

TOM
There’s an excellent nail rehab center down the block. In just six weeks, you’ll be able to scratch an itch.

TANYA
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. I don’t want to think about mosquito bites and West Nile Virus.  Sneezes.

TANYA AND TOM
Aroma therapy!

Stay tuned for the next episode of CSI: Miami Hypochondriacs.

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Rapping the Rapture

Volcanic material thrust high into the atmosph...Image via Wikipedia

When I stepped outside to get some air,
I got the fire and brimstone in my hair

The sky was dark as midnight, as dirty as coal
Then thousands of Locusts swarmed up my nose

My sinuses throbbed, thought they might explode
I couldn’t find a tissue and that really blows

I’m enraptured with the rapture, the end of days
Got a pile of bills I don’t have to pay
My credit cards melted in volcanic flames
But the fire’ll be doused in the tidal wave

Fighting my way through a crush of bugs
According to Anderson 360 more got off the bus

Roaming gangs of six-legged creepy crawly thugs
Knocked me down to the ground face first in the mud

With my wrists bound tight in sticky strip ropes,
Can’t get a shot of the rapture on my new iPhone

I’m enraptured with the rapture, the end of days
Got a pile of bills I don’t have to pay
My credit cards melted in volcanic flames
But the fire’ll be doused in the tidal wave

Before my cell phone dies, I’m praying to God
Just one last text message is all I want

Got to post those rapture pictures to my blog
But the only cell service is in Hades or Prague

It’s God’s will to kill the tweets and make the emails stop
He just wrote the last chapter in the Book of Job

I’m enraptured with the rapture, the end of days
Got a pile of bills I don’t have to pay
My credit cards melted in volcanic flames
But the fire’ll be doused in the tidal wave

Got the rapture
Got the rapture
Woosh! Tidal wave.
It’s so cold down under,
here after in the end of days
Snap!
That’s a rap.

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I Pulled Weeds. Weeds Pulled My Back.

 

Some dandelions found in my backyard.Image via Wikipedia

The Weeds Won!

POSTS FROM THE CRYPT.

I started this blog in May 2009 after I lost my job. 

This weekend history repeated itself, repeated itself, with the back story that is.

Muddy Monday
figuratively speaking of course, though I’m not averse to getting dirty. The day before I tackled weeds. Today, I tackle the job market and the start of a new week. The jump from Sunday to Monday is a long one.

After track and field, it’s on to floored exercises, or mental acrobatics, and the incessant “Can I?” “Will I?” blind routine that lasts far longer than the allotted time.

Judges can be so cruel, especially Judges Ego and Id. They are far more critical than the Eastern bloc fringe. I try to ignore them and focus on the task – which is to maximize my strengths, minimize my weaknesses and gain control of my destiny, as long as Judges Ego and Id don’t sentence me.

Hiking across the bridge to back-to-back, back posts and the gardening fiasco.

After decapitating countless weeds, the survivors regrouped and put a curse on me.

Oh, Sciatica. The nerve of you.
Why do you own me and keep me locked in chains, as the links dig deep into my skin?

Oh, Sciatica, I’m so over you, yet you still choose to rule my life. No matter how hard I try to forget you, everything I do reminds me of you. When I sit. When I stand. When I limp across a room.

Oh, Sciatica, you’re such a pain in the “a.” It’s so disingenuous to say that you’ve got my back.

Oh, Sciatica, I curse your name and four more weeks of your endless stay. Only a shiny white pill can stifle the pain, just a temporary fix to cool the flame.

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Mother’s Day Celebrity Head Trip Getaways

Backpacker IslandImage by airpanther via Flickr
Mothers Day Celebrity Head Trip Getaways.

So many great packages from which to choose.

Ben Affleck Palau Getaway.
Enjoy endless hours of fun-filled fantasy in a bungalow on a secluded beach. Surrounded by crystalline waters and white powder sand, this all inclusive vacation comes with open bar, private cook, daily massages from Ben Affleck, and a 24/7 pastry chef.

Brad Pitt Costa Rica “Muy Bien.”
An erotic exotic remote holiday at a mud pack spa where mud is never dirty but you always are. Situated in a tropical rainforest beneath the Arenal Volcano, this private vacation spot, hidden among the trees, features a lava-heated pool, while Brad Pitt heats the rest of you.

Jon Hamm Starry Night Holiday. 
An incredible package, insanely inexpensive with crazy views of the picturesque valley in the lower Pyrenées. Hunker down with this handsome hunk in a charming B&B on the banks of the Gers-river. When you lose yourself in this Hamm holiday delight, you may find that you also lose your mind.

George Clooney Monte Carlo Rendezvous.
Located on the French Riviera, this exquisite Monte Carlo hideaway overlooks heart-pounding precipitous cliffs and breathtaking aquamarine Mediterranean Sea. And the management at this superb Casino also guarantees that George Clooney will always lose his shirt.

Adrian Grenier’s Beverly Hills Entourage for Two.
You’ll be wined and dined in LA’s most elegant restaurants, then take a dip in Adrian’s heated master bedroom pool, before ending your evening in the adjoining hot tub suite for recreational love wrestling and unlimited champagne.

Matthew McConaughey Caribbean Experience.
Crew for two in this ultimate romantic excursion on a private sailing yacht, a majestic vessel indeed. Moor and explore private coves and beaches at your leisure, as Matthew McConaughey rocks your boat.

Colin Firth Countryside Retreat.
Get spoiled in one of Britain’s un-spoiled misty golden hills. Savor the seductive seaside scents and raw excitement of England’s turbulent seas. Like the coastline, Colin is rugged, exhilarating and always salty. 

Josh Holloway Tropical Beach Fantasy.
In this off the charts island fantasy, you’ll be caught in the sway of the ocean and cool Pacific breeze, while lost in the heat of Josh’s shirtless embrace. Relish the warm splash of ocean on your sleek oiled bodies, as sky, sea, skin and sand become one. On this tropical fantasy beach, the only way you’ll be discovered is if you open your eyes.

Jude Law Holiday Retreat.
Jude Law can teach you a thing or two about love when on holiday in this quaint cottage in Surrey England, always a hot spot inside even if outside temperatures dip well below zero. When beneath the sheets with Jude Law, skin to skin, it’s as if you’re in the steamy hot tropics all over again. With this bad boy of Britain, this is one head trip you won’t soon forget.

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