Pictures of your home will never grace the pages of Martha Stewart Magazine. According to a spokesperson for the magazine, “In addition to being banned from their pages, the editor issued an APB on Pinterest “prohibiting you from posting pictures of your house.”
The editor went on to blast “Your jihadist housekeeping ideology” and said, “You should have your housewife card revoked.”
She cited your “inability to feng shui” and “reprehensible use of space,” then added: “Treadmills should not be used as hangers or dogs as vacuums.”
The editor asked the EPA to officially condemn your house and listed their top 10 reasons why:
1. Google Earth lists your property as a landfill dump.
2. Jehovah’s Witnesses come to your home dressed in hazmat suits.
3. Termites take Beano before eating the plasterboard.
4. You raise dust bunnies as pets.
5. Your dog follows the ten second rule for food dropped on the floor.
6. Mildew and soap scum staged a bathroom coup then executed the shampoo.
7. Germs flee your house to seek asylum in Germany. Their ancestors home.
8. You found your vacuum cleaner dead in the closet hanging by the cord. Hoover ruled it a suicide.
9. Your mop takes Xanax.
10. Mr. Clean filed an injunction to prevent you from taking him home from the market.