P&G Swiffer Picks up Playboy Dust Bunny at Seedy Hollywood Bar.

A Sordid Affair.

Earlier today, news of an alleged tryst between P&G Swiffer and a Playboy Dust Bunny shook the household cleaning category.

One pair of rubber gloves and some dusters.Image via Wikipedia

Right wing activist, Mr. Clean, broke the story following several eyewitness accounts alleging that P&G Swiffer and Dust Bunny were seen clinging to each other in the back of a Hollywood bar while hanging out with a group of retro mop-top hipsters. Neither Swiffer nor Dust Bunny could be reached for comment.

The two eyewitnesses who asked to remain anonymous, are known only by the pseudonym Gail and Frank WTF Are They, said they spotted the torrid twosome at the Downtown Muck Club swapping allergen deposits while polishing off Lysol cocktails.

According to several unnamed sources in highbrow janitorial circles, the sordid affair began last fall shortly after Dust Bunny was seen fleeing the Playboy Mansion following a brush with Hefner’s broom.

The nature of the argument is not known. However, a reporter from the Los Angeles Spectacle confirmed that the broom was picked up for questioning and then later released because of a lack of dirt on him.

Lynn Lint, a Dust Bunny friend and confidante, told Mr. Clean that “Dusty” met Swiffer at the Downtown Muck Club on Hollywood Boulevard the night of the skirmish with Hefner’s broom after hitching a ride on a Prada shoe.

Ms Lint acknowledged speculations that despite their inherent differences, Dusty and Swiffer have been inseparable since first meeting at the Hollywood Club.

Swiffer’s publicist Loose Lips Leta refused to comment because her lips were stapled together by a disgruntled employee who assaulted her with a Swingline Stapler. Since the altercation, Leta has been tight-lipped about the incident, as well as the Swiffer/Dust Bunny affair.

When Hugh Hefner was asked about the scandal while leaving a Beverly Hills cryogenic lab, his head suddenly melted and was replaced by a marital aid that vibrated whenever he talked. Hefner’s comments could not be recorded since there were no English-Vibrator interpreters on hand at the time.

Lynn Lint recently confirmed rumors that Swiffer and Dust Bunny had rented a bungalow in Costa Rica to “clear things up between them” after a highly publicized spat in which Swiffer called Dust Bunny ”a piece of crap smut whore” when he saw her latching onto a buff mop in the bedroom aisle of a chic cleaning supply store.

Offers are pouring in from Hollywood studios to turn the affair into a movie but Loose Lips Leta was unavailable to confirm or deny the reports since she was in surgery having her stomach stapled and the staples in her lips removed.

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Houdini Mutt and the Vanishing String.

When a mutt has a bum knee, it goes to a mutt orthopedist. Such was the case with my dog Jenny, who after undergoing knee surgery – yes, dogs have knees – is now in doggy rehab, which entails brisk walks on a lead while I snow plane behind.

During rehab, Jenny wears a surgical collar to, in theory, prevent her from picking at her scab, a theory reality has disproved.

Jenny+Surgical+Collar

So far, Jenny has been able to …

  • Remove the collar three times.
  • Use the collar as a plow to bulldoze her way past human objects and …
  • Punish said human objects for making her wear said collar by following humans around and plowing into the back of their legs, which as you can imagine, hurts!
  • Outside, Jenny scrapes the collar against the hard cold crust that covers the snow, thus ripping the cheap plastic collar and creating a portal to the other side which …
  • Allows Jenny to pick at the scab and inflict further pain upon the backs of indigenous humans legs by wielding the jagged plastic edge like a weapon.

To date …

  • I continue to repair the rips in the collar with clear tape that loses its adhesive abilities after each subsequent exposure to the outside elements.
  • The last time Jenny removed the string from the collar that wraps around her neck, we could not locate the string and suspect that …
    • Jenny ate the string or hid it in a really good place, possibly the same place she hid two missing snowshoes from different wedded pairs.
  • Since the string is still MIA, we now use Jenny’s leather collar to keep the surgical collar in place.
    • She still hasn’t broken the leather collar code, but I’m running out of tape to repair the rips in the plastic shell, which is the shell of what it once was.
  • After numerous attempts to remove the collar with a tubular pick, Jenny still hasn’t been able to break free.
  • She displays her frustration by engaging in her favorite activities: trash can diving and tissue pillaging.
    • Today she removed a box of Kleenex from the end table in the family room and placed it on the floor next to a pile of gutted tissues.
    • Some tissue parts are MIA like the string.

I fear that one day soon, while taking Jenny for a walk, I will find the missing string, which will then be dead to me. But, at least I’ll be able to remove this poster I nailed to my neighbor’s trees.

How Deep is Your Snow – To the Tune of How Deep is Your Love w/Barking Dogs.

While taking my poor convalescing mutt, Jenny, for a walk on the front lawn, I got heel dragged across the snow, despite the surgical collar she wore.

Think Queen Elizabeth.

Queen Elizabeth's Collar

See the resemblance?

Jenny's Elizabethan Collar-ThinkSpin.com

Jenny dragged me until I slipped, releasing the retractable lead that used my face to stop the backward slide. After stars stopped circling my head, I got up and chased Jenny for several snow-slogging seconds before nabbing her. A slight turn of her Elizabethan head allowed me to grab hold of the dog death star and reattach the lead.

The incident occurred in twelve-inch deep snow prior to the Tuesday storm that dumped twenty-two inches of sky poop onto our already snow spattered lawn. Twenty-two inches plus twelve. Let’s do the math. While I wait for you to find a calculator, I will provide a visual aid.

To put the storm residue into perspective, now we’ve got enough snow to build a block of bird condo igloos.

The Tuesday storm created chaos at the supermarket Monday night when I headed to the Stop & Shop to pick up essential items: beer and frozen pizza. Apparently, the frigid temperature outside wasn’t enough to deter me from pillaging the frozen food section.

While in the fast food section, or pre-made meal emporium, I almost got into a fist fight with a woman who shoved past me to grab the last two boxes of fried chicken. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Even so, I took the high row past the cooking wine and didn’t deck her in front of her two kids. I couldn’t risk dropping the beer and pizza.

I escaped the supermarket still clutching the essential items and jumped into my car parked in a “mother with infants space.” Please don’t judge me because of my parking space faux pas. It was late, the parking lot was empty and I couldn’t distinguish the “gimp space” from the “mother with infants” space and the “free parking space.” Oh, that’s Monopoly. Besides, I didn’t see any infants in the diaper aisle.

I was just glad to get out of there alive.

Fast-forward three days later – You TiVoed it, right?

Today, Friday, I remain locked inside my house waiting for the malevolent snow to disappear or to wake up from this creepy lucid dream in which I wear boots and ski pants even though I don’t know how to ski. I pinch my arm and scream. Damn it! I’m awake and the dog is whining to go out.

I’ll wait five more minutes then pinch the other arm. Maybe there’s still hope that this is a dream within a dream. Otherwise, I’ll need the carpet cleaner.

How deep is your snow?
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Disappearing Jobs Linked to Magic Cape Missing from Homeland Security Rec Room.

Embracing the illusionary powers of magicians Harry Houdini, David Copperfield and Criss Angel, American companies increasingly use magic to make jobs disappear in the U.S. and then reappear overseas.
Frans Hals - Portret van een manImage via Wikipedia 

For several years, economists have blamed the precipitous loss of U.S. jobs on a black magician’s cape that went missing from a classified location behind a soda machine in the Department of Homeland Security rec room. 

Forensic accountant Monet Grubber told the bankrupt publication Unemployment Times “that the black cape sucks money and jobs from the economy like a giant Dyson DC24 and then dumps them into a plastic collection bin that ends up in China and India.”

Back in January 2010, Peoria resident Sara Schmutz, an insomniac and avid blogger, reported seeing Caterpillar CEO Doug Oberhelman dangle a large black cape from his corporate jet while flying below the radar.

Said Ms Schmutz, “It was 3 a.m. I just finished writing a blog post about how my husband leaves his comb over hair in the drain after he showers when I heard the rumble of airplane engines. I looked out the window and saw a plane clipping the top of trees. I knew it was Oberhelman because his jet was flying so low I could see the Caterpillar symbol on the tail.  

“Oberhelman had this twisted look on his face as he uttered the word “abracadabra” into a microphone. Then, I heard a ping and a Google email alert dropped a note in my in box saying that millions of U.S. jobs had vanished.

“Soon after, a loud sucking noise rushed past the house rattling the shutters and shaking the walls. Pictures fell, chairs shifted and I accidentally deleted my blog post. That’s when I really got pissed.”

Later that morning, Americans awakened to a higher unemployment rate, while China and India gained jobs overnight.

Labor Secretary Hilda Solis had strong words for Mr. Oberhelman. “I don’t know how the hell he got hold of the cape. We keep it secured in one of Al Gore’s lock boxes in the basement of Homeland Security. Only the President, Congress and lobbyists know the combination.”

When a reporter from Unemployment Times questioned Homeland Security’s decision to give the combination to Congress and corporate lobbyists, Ms Solis replied; “Well, we had to have a back up plan in case Hawaii’s copy of President Obama’s birth certificate turns out to be a forgery. We drew straws to see who would get the combination and since Congress and the lobbyists had the most straws, they were the obvious choice.”

Since the Hilda Solis interview with Unemployment Times, the location of the black cape remains a mystery, as thousands of jobs continue to disappear from U.S soil.

As recently as January 2011,
AT&T plans to cut 1,600 jobs across the mid-west increasing speculation that AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson has the cape. Mr. Stephenson denied the accusation but would neither confirm nor deny whether he had the combination to the lock box.

Al Gore could not be reached for comment.

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