Egad — I have been Sham-pooed!

New ShampooImage by Cayusa via Flickr

Did you ever notice how many different shampoos there are?

There’s tearless baby shampoo, kid’s fruity banana, strawberry, blueberry, berry berry; shampoo for oily hair, dry hair, normal hair — what exactly is normal hair anyway? —  Shampoo for shiny hair, hair that is damaged, bleached, colored, or has split ends; shampoo with conditioner, and organic shampoo.

What’s so special about shampoo anyway? Most shampoos are 80-90% water with 2-8% detergents and foaming agents and about 1% fragrance and preservatives.

If you ask me, the name should be sham-poo.


The whole sham-pooing process even looks stupid:  pouring a glob of liquid soap into the palm of your hand — there are directions for this — and lathering your hair, or in laymen’s terms, applying the damn soap to your head, then washing and rinsing thoroughly, otherwise you’ll be left with sham-poo residue. 

Liquid antibacterial soap on a person's hand.Image via Wikipedia

What is sham-poo residue? The sham-poo you failed to remove during the rinse cycle.

Perhaps, you didn’t follow the directions and failed to “repeat again.” Repeating again is essential if you want that full-bodied look.

If you can’t have a full-bodied torso, at least you can have a full-bodied head. So, when you step into a room, people will say, “Wow, she’s full bodied,” even if they are referring to your hair. 

Hair should also have a slight bounce to it when you walk. During a bounce, each strand of hair should separate in slow motion revealing clean subterranean strands of hair, thus making you a shoo-in for the visual sham-poo award — a smile instead of a heave.

People will feel safe around you knowing that you sham-pooed twice and followed the directions on the bottle to “repeat again,” which has nothing to do with heaving.

You can spot someone who only washes once. Between 9 and 12, their hair has a nice bounce to it, but after one, it tumbles like a drunken housewife.

Washing and rinsing your hair once leaves you vulnerable to sham-poo residue — white flakes of dry liquid soap that float off your head at inopportune moments.

A DRAMATIZATION:

CARA CRUMBLE
I’m a recovering sham-poo follicleholic. Once when I placed an annual report onto my supervisor’s desk, an avalanche of flakes tumbled from my head onto the plastic report cover. The walls shook and a loud crashing sound emanated throughout the building.

Several co-workers poked their heads inside the office to see if we were still alive. Luckily, my supervisor and co-workers were unaware of my problem.

SUPERVISOR
Shaking Head
Damn dust bunnies. They’re everywhere. Thank God, they’ll be put to good use.

Motions to box lying on floor labeled, “Place Dust Bunnies Here.”

CARA CRUMBLE
Apparently, my supervisor’s son’s teacher collected dust bunnies for art projects, and I was able to escape an embarrassing sham-poo faux pas.

DON’T POO-POO THE SHAMPOO.

When you work in a small office, your hair needs to smell nice, like flowers, perfume, or minty fresh mouthwash.

You don’t want your hair to smell like shit, otherwise, people will say, “Jesus, her hair smells like shit.”

Office managers tend to place workers with bad smelling hair in remote areas of the building, like the supply closet, and instruct those with moderately bad smelling hair to make the supply runs.

This is similar to the scared straight program in high schools across the country.

However, the Department of Health and Human Services recently noticed an alarming trend in the workplace and released the following statement:

“Banishing office personnel to supply closets has become a health hazard, as workers have been hospitalized from overdosing on their own bad smelling hair.”

Of course, it would be easier for managers to simply fire workers with poor hair hygiene but that would be discriminatory. People with bad smelling hair have rights, too, and contribute to our society.

They work in a wide range of fields, such as television production (far behind the scenes), music (you don’t have to smell them when listening to a CD), sales (telemarketing), sports (everybody smells anyway), finance (they’re all stinking rich), and marine biology (something always smells fishy).

If you or a loved one suffers from bad smelling hair, call the sham-poo hot line 1-800-Poo-Hair. Follicleologists are standing by to answer calls on the benefits of good hair hygiene and the disadvantages of self-imposed baldness.

Ask for a copy of the HHS’s free brochure, “Shaving your head to avoid washing your hair would be bad for you and the shampoo industry.”

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My Handbag: An Over the Shoulder Dumpster for My Crap.

LIST OF ITEMIZED CRAP. 

Consumable Goods: 

6 Promo Samples of Melon Bubble Gum  

1 roll of Mentos

4 Granola Bars. 

They look like this
 (but fully clothed)  

A Image via Wikipedia 
                   

Anti-Diarrheal Pills
(after ingesting all the above) 

Food-Related Items:

(twice removed)

 3 Spoons

4 DayQuil LiquiCaps

$1.94 in change from McDonald’s

A Hairbrush

(fast food means windy tables)

 A Wallet

(cowhide, a source of protein and shoe wear)

 3 Pens and 1 Pencil

 (for doodling on dull dining guests)

 Note: There are 2 pens, 8 pencils and 

other unidentified fixed objects in the below picture.

Pens PencilsImage via Wikipedia
(I was too lazy to photograph my own pens, pencils, and UFOs) 

Ocular Items:

(a/k/a crap for the eyes) 

Visine for Contacts.

Blink Gel Tears for contacts.
ReNu Rewetting Drops for contacts. 

(Yes, I wear contacts and I’m OCD)

 Visine not for contacts. 
(I love a great twist) 

Cosmetically-Correct Items:

 Sunglasses for protecting my contacts. 

(they can melt in the sun) 

Assorted makeup when I want to have fancy eyes. 

(batting eyelashes) 


Sniff. Sniff.  

As we say goodbye to the eyes

and head down south to the mouth, or Chew Town,
 you will notice slight turbulence.

My mouth is grinding its teeth in impatient. 

Okay. Now, it’s your turn! 

Oral Accessories: 

(to feed my mouth’s ego)

A Voice Recorder

(so I don’t look crazy when talking to myself in the car)

Cell Phone 

(imprisoned for exceeding minutes) 

Lipstick and Lipgloss

(caught smearing my lips)

A Dental Doggie Bag w/
Dental Floss
and Sidekicks
Toothbrush and Toothpaste 

I know what you’re thinking. 

Not really. 

Stuffing my handbag with junk makes me a junkie,

 or a junk whore, or worse, a whoreder. 

Let’s just say I like to stock up on non-essentials items,


excluding the hairbrush, sordid makeup trappings, 
contact lens ensemble, and dental accoutrements.

 What’s in your handbag or man purse?

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