Secret CIA Program Found in Cheney’s Pants.

Official portrait of Secretary of Defense Rich...Image via Wikipedia 
More dusty words from the back of the blog shelf. 
Sun July 12, 2009
 
My spin on the article: 

Limited public appearances while Cheney was still in office tied to secret program. 

Earlier today, an anonymous source told the Washington Retro Times, “It all makes sense now. Cheney intentionally scaled back his public appearances to avoid bringing attention to the bulge in his pants – an encrypted wireless device used to gain control of George Bush’s brain.”

The Times reported that the clandestine program went by the code name, “Walk like a duck,” and ran concurrently with the other secret counterintelligence program also withheld from Congress. CIA Director, Leon Panetta wasn’t surprised. “Now we know why Cheney always had that pained expression on his face.” said Panetta. “He was carrying a load in his pants.”

The startling revelation continued to rock Capitol Hill late this morning and prompted Democrats to call for an investigation. “If it’s true that Cheney secretly controlled George Bush’s brain for the past eight years, it’s a game changer,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “We need to know who was really running the show.

“It also raises complex constitutional issues that I would not touch with a 10-foot pole or any other European national. In particular, I’d like to know why Cheney never put that wireless control of his to better use during those God-awful State of The Union addresses broadcast on every—single—station.

“Instead Bush could have been transmitting HBO or Showtime, something a hell of a lot more entertaining than that drivel on Niger and yellow cake. You see, it really all comes down to personal taste. And I happen to like my yellow cake with chocolate frosting.”

President Obama was more pointed in his comments. “As a constitutional scholar, I have to say that these revelations are deeply disturbing. To think that for eight years the Vice President of the United States wirelessly controlled the President’s brain with a device hidden inside his pants is astounding and frankly makes me ill. It also explains a lot about the glitches in George Bush’s speech patterns.

“Apparently, there aren’t enough hot spots in Wyoming.” The President added. “At this time, I would not rule out the appointment of a special prosecutor. This matter requires further investigation. There’s a strong possibility that Vice President Cheney might be hiding other things in his pants. Maybe, we’ll finally find those weapons of mass destruction.”

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham disagreed. “I think Vice President Cheney was right to keep it in his pants. When you have a device that is so highly sensitive and technically sophisticated as an encrypted wireless remote drive you have to keep it under wraps.You just don’t know who could get their hands on it.”

Vice President Cheney could not be reached for comment. Though, one of his aides issued the following statement: “You idiot. I told you I had nothing to tell those ass-wipes. Don’t’ write this down!” Vice President Cheney later retracted his statement and then proceeded to shoot the aide in the face. The aide is said to be recovering at a veterinary facility somewhere in South Texas.
Enhanced by Zemanta

When Reality Bites You in the Ass and You Can’t Bite Back.

-Back to Work Back Post-
 

I went back to work on Monday and haven’t had time to write. As soon as I strike a balance between reality and the virtual world, I’ll start sloughing the mind flakes.Until then …

 

How blogging saved my mind but not my 401K.



REPLACING THE DECK CHAIRS. 

After being jobless for almost a year, tomorrow I will once again be jobfull. A culture shock waiting to happen due to my previous limited conversational choices, which included the characters in my head and virtual blogging friends. I know you’re all real!


Spare us the sentimental crap and continue detoxing your brain.

When I lost my job, I also lost my self-esteem in addition to a steady paycheck, excluding the unemployment checks that paid for Macaroni and Cheese and ketchup, the affordable vegetable alternative.

Blogging saved my brain from frying like an egg sputtering in bacon grease. Remember, a mind is a terrible thing to waste unless you’re Hannibal Lecter. Then you eat every last bite.


I eventually found my self-esteem on an obscure shelf in the family room in my house where I also found my car keys. Now I can drive again with confidence. Parking is another story, as mentioned in an earlier post called Women better at parallel parking baking dishes in ovens than cars on streets. I know. Shameless self-promotion, but it is relevant. Sort of.

For months, I searched the hallowed halls of my head and house for my shiny ego that had ejected from my brain. It took five months to notice it radiating from the shelf, slightly tilted right against the Titanic DVD. No wonder I kept rearranging the deck chairs, while the birds evacuating the feeder left good luck droppings on my head. Thank you, birds. Not! Lice ridden rats with wings. Oh, that’s right. Those are pigeons. These birds are just lice ridden and shit a lot.

As I lifted my ego from the shelf, it looked up at me and smiled. Maybe the Lysol fumes fogged my head. We embraced, my ego and me, and then I promptly slipped it back into my brain. It was easy, like replacing a lithium battery. I could breathe again, as soon as I passed through the Lysol cloud that hung above the kitchen compactor. Compactors transform trash into manageable messes. Don’t you know?

The darkness finally went away. Oh, that was night. I could get on with my life, take showers, and send out resumes in confidence, knowing that Job seekers now outnumber openings six to one.

Hearing those numbers was equivalent to having a lobotomy.

Six months after finding my footing – it was icy outside and the wood floors slippery inside – I found a job, which brings us back to Doe, not Doh!

Stop it!

It brings us back to the beginning of this abomination. I’ve got to wrap this up before y’all go away. They say that people nowadays have a really short attention . . .   Sorry.  I got distracted by my own bullshit.
Tomorrow, I begin a new day with the blare of my alarm clock set to heart attack mode and then segue into lunch that will now last an hour instead of an afternoon. And Oh? Did I mention that I will be paid with real money and not Entrecard credits?

Time will now be a valuable commodity. When you have too much time, its worth becomes devalued. However, the blog does not stop here. I intend to keep writing the wrongs and posting regularly, as long as I keep eating my blogger bran and don’t fall asleep in my Macaroni and Cheese still left over from the case that sits shuddering on the shelf in the dark in the bowels of my evil kitchen. I wrote about scary food, too. You probably remember Cook’s Crypt. How could you not? I keep dredging that one up from the cellar.

From the bottom of the likely clogged arteries of my heart, I thank you all for reading my maniacal ramblings. This is not good-bye. This is good God. How am I going to get up at 6 a.m.?

Enhanced by Zemanta

Washington Think Tank Issues Egghead Recall.

EggsImage via Wikipedia

Earlier today, a Washington think tank known as The Smart Ass Association, issued a statement that it would be voluntarily recalling 170 million eggheads due to laboratory confirmed cases of the Ignaramous Stupidous virus associated with some of the eggheads.

The Smart Ass Association said that the eggheads included in the recall had been working as interns for Rick Santorum, Dick Armey, and Harry Reid, as well as BP and several undisclosed Wall Street firms currently under investigation.

When questioned by reporters about the slow response in contacting the infected eggheads, a spokesperson for The Smart Ass Association said, “Okay. So, it was my fault. I admit it. I deleted the email. I thought it was infected with a virus. What’s another day or two in the scheme of things? At least we didn’t have to locate 170 million eggs.”

At this time, scientists are not certain how many people have been infected by the Ignaramous Stupidous virus. Fred Syphilis, of the CFND (Center for Funny Named Diseases) speculated that “The virus could affect as many as 1.5 billion people.”

Dr. Syphilis continued, “So far we know that 3,000 people have been infected by the virus,” he said and then added this startling revelation. “In the final stages of the disease, a victim will sit for days on a couch while staring blankly at a TV screen watching reruns of America’s Got Talent and the Glenn Beck Show.”

Dr. Syphilis warned, “It’s best to catch this disease early on. If you or a loved one begins exhibiting any of the following symptoms, immediately go to the nearest emergency room. Early symptoms include making up words like “refudiate”and comparing yourself to William Shakespeare, making plans to build a mosque near ground zero, or making comments, like

“I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.”
– George W. Bush – presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004.

Health officials said that the Ignaramous Stupidous outbreak started in May after about 2,000 cases of stupidity were reported and could continue for months even years.

The CFND recommends that eggheads stay away from television sets, as well as the Internets and read classic novels like Moby Dick, Crime and Punishment, or A Tale of Two Cities to avoid contracting the Ignaramous Stupidous virus. 

In closing Dr. Syphilis said, “If we aren’t successful in recalling all the infected eggheads, we may see millions of cases of stupidity for generations to come.”

Enhanced by Zemanta

Palin’s Unabridged Words to Nowhere.

Make sense of what doesn'tImage by joestump via Flickr

YOU SAY MOSQUE. I SAY MOSQUITO.

What’s that buzzing noise?

It’s Sarah Palin‘s words swarming from my TV set and circling my head.

Yes, Sarah Palin is back in the news because there’s a new controversy in town – the ground zero mosque – a wedge issue she can really sink her teeth into.

In an attempt to capture the spotlight and stir up further anger on the proposed construction of a mosque two blocks from ground zero, Palin tweeted in Palin-Speak or Tweety Birdese …

“Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn’t it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate,” Palin said via Twitter.

This sparked a controversy from the controversy or controversy2.

So, let’s parse her, uh, er words. Nice parallel use of heart and heartland although I would have bypassed the heart stab metaphor and had gone with a more relatable image. Something with more of an ER or Gray’s Anatomy appeal, like heart attack, heart disease, or heart failure. How many people do you know that have been stabbed in the heart?

And the remaining phrase … “as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate.” Okay, so, Alaska isn’t one of the heartland states and refudiate isn’t a real word but what Palin says isn’t reality based any way. You peaceful Muslims -You know who you are – will understand that.

The press wasn’t amused by Sarah Palin’s revisionist carnage of the English language.

From The Epoch Times (not to be confused with the New York Times):

…She used “refudiate” rather than “refute,” which prompted several media outlets to make clear that the former isn’t a word.

In response, Palin used her extensive knowledge of English Literature, she learned in a correspondence course from an advertisement she saw in Moose Life Magazine, to educate the press on the importance of using made up words, as noted in this CBS News article.

Palin shot back and Tweeted: “English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!” 

Here Palin compares herself to William Shakespeare in addition to issuing the startling revelation that words are alive and may in fact have a brain, unlike Palin, whose thoughts are transmitted from an alien spacecraft, originating from the planet WTF that hovers above Wasilla land. 

Incidentally, the William Shakespeare to whom Palin refers is a resident lush who drinks from a local watering hole. The patrons refer to him as Bill because he never pays his.

Enhanced by Zemanta

More Planes in the Sky – Less People on the Ground.

low flying airplanesCaution: Low Flying Planes Image via Wikipedia 

A letter in support of more commercial flights over quiet bucolic communities. 


Dear Editor,

A recent FAA directive rerouting flights from major city airports over suburban areas is a much-needed public initiative.

The directive will greatly improve the lives of neighborhood residents by keeping people inside away from hazardous conditions outdoors.

In just a few weeks time, local governments will see a reduction in bloated EMT budgets from numerous 911 calls involving deadly yard incidents.

Technicians will no longer work overtime responding to emergency fingernail hangings, hair branch strangulations, or deadly head-on toe collisions. This will save health insurers millions of dollars a year in addition to putting money back into taxpayer’s pockets.



Additional plane exhaust falling into our lakes and wells will only improve the taste of bland drinking water by adding savory bits of aerosol, sulfuric acid, and engine soot. Just add a twist of lime and – voila!


While some will grumble at the sight of more planes overhead, I will sigh with relief. There’s nothing like the soothing rumble of a low flying 757 at 7 a.m. in the morning to drown out the sound of woodpecker demolition crews and loud gossipy crows.

No more evenings wasted spending hours gazing skyward in excruciating wonderment, guessing whether a bright speck is a star or planet, as I will be comforted in knowing that they’re all likely planes.



The affects of nature’s seasonal hazards will be a problem of the past. No more lost or stolen ATM cards dropped from frozen numb fingers during icy winter months or strained eyelid muscles from squinting at harsh summer light.

And perhaps, in the not-too-distant future when the sky is completely blanketed with planes, sunlight will no longer filter to the ground, harming us with dangerous UV rays.



Thank you, FAA. I applaud your decision to enrich our lives by overcrowding our skies and saving us from nature’s horrific elements.



Sincerely,

A concerned citizen and FAA employee.

Enhanced by Zemanta

APB out on missing muse!

Officer: Description of Muse?

Me:        I’m drawing a blank.

Officer: Height, weight . . .?

Me:        I’ve got nothing.

 

This is a repost from November 2009; dedicated to Kathy, an extremely talented blogger, the brains behind The Junk Drawer, and author of the recent post “I Lost My Writing Mojo.”

Today is a perfect repost kind of day, as I am suffering from brain fluff, which is similar to toe jam, but nothing like strawberry jam, unless it ends up between your toes.

Just thinking about writing a thoughtful post hurts, as I continue my search for the door jam I misplaced after jamming my toe on the door’s threshold. It’s tough having a low threshold for pain. Just ask Leeuna at My Mind Wandered and her latest post Neener, Neener, Neener – What’s in a name.

Here now the repost … muttering of intelligible words and banging of head against the wall.

Some days that door just won’t open no matter how many times you try to jimmy the lock. You bang on the door, but silence responds with the sound of one hand clapping. Your muse is not there. She has abandoned you and didn’t even have the decency to leave a more detailed note, other than, “No Admittance.”

What’s that all about? You stare at the note for an hour or two, until the words become a Rorschach blur on the door. Stuck is what you are. No muse. No fuse.

Thomas Edison once said, “Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration.” He often added. “I never did anything worth doing by accident, nor did any of my inventions come by accident. They came by work.”

Yet, Thomas Edison was lucky enough to have that one percent inspiration to help him break a sweat. I’m as dry as a community pool in the Sahara desert. At least I won’t have to worry about underarm stains while I wait. I check my cell. No messages. Muses can be so inconsiderate, unaware of the torment they cause when they abandon their inspirational freelance gigs for extended time off. How ironic? They who cause others to break a sweat never sweat themselves.

How often does your muse take time off?

LOL! Didn’t realize the comments reposted, too.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Companies Hiring Monkeys Instead of the Unemployed

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey...

A young female of White-fronted Capuchi Monkey (Cebus albifrons). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Image via Wikipedia

 
OUT OF WORK?

Well, now you may be out of luck unless you love a good swing on the vine.

Back in 2009, companies began hiring trained monkeys to fill empty job slots instead of unemployed workers, a practice that Jillian Hand Human Resources Manager for LockJaw Industries has found to be quite successful.

“Monkeys can learn repetitive actions just like humans but don’t require bathroom breaks or lunch hours,” said Ms Hand. “Sure they fling their feces when someone approaches a desk. But that’s why we teach an in-house clinic called “The Artful Dodger.”

“In fact,” Ms Hand continued. “Monkeys are the ideal employee. They always remain at their desk, as long as their workspace includes a vine and a bin of bananas. Monkeys never talk back, chatter away happily while they work, and don’t require raises or bonuses. They are model workers.”

Ms Hand also admitted that during job interviews, monkeys were easier to handle than unemployed job applicants.

“When dangling a job like a carrot in front of an unemployed worker’s nose, they lunge for it over the desk, upsetting pencil cases, papers, as well as stacks of cash used as bait.” We found that hiring the unemployed was bad for company morale because they’re so desperate. They pout and moan while riding the elevator, have dark rings under their eyes, and often smell like beer.”

LockJaw Industries is the pioneer in hiring monkeys and more companies may soon follow.

Temporary Agency Recruiter Miles Dirtwad agrees. “It’s definitely a trend worth watching. Lately, I’ve been placing more chimpanzees than humans for data entry and mail room positions, as well as jobs that require filing and running personal errands. Monkeys can hand deliver an interoffice memo much faster than humans. Sometimes monkeys show too much excitement by jumping up and down and screeching but employers love their enthusiasm.”

Other recruiters believe that hiring monkeys is bad for the economy and the reason for such high unemployment numbers. Mary Marcus of the Tickle Temp Agency is infuriated by the practice.

“As long as companies keep hiring monkeys to fill empty job slots and not unemployed workers, the job market will be a zoo. The jobless will continue camping outside my door crying and leaving tissues in the hallway. Sure monkeys are crackerjack typists but they’re terrible on the phone, and companies also have  seen a rise in their cleaning bills. And what about the price of bananas? The practice of hiring monkeys will not last forever.”

Jillian Hand did express some concern after a crowd of monkeys met after work at a local hang out called “The Cage.” One monkey carried a sign that said, “Yes, we want more bananas.”

She shook her head. “I hope this was an isolated incident. We had to fire the monkey. He’s back at the zoo flinging feces at people that get too close to the cage.”

Enhanced by Zemanta

Browsing the Job Market Shelves

While searching for jobs on Monster.com, HotJobs.com, or Craigslist.org, I always stumble upon job descriptions with spelling mistakes or over-the-top requirements. So, I’ve compiled a list of those jobs and have categorized them by market.

UPSCALE NICHE EMPLOYERS

Agency Account Executive for Stand-up Comedian

  • Boutique agency and marketing services firm is lost without you. Well, not really. It just seems that way. Ha!
  • great creative instincts (perhaps even a creative background)ROFLMAO!
  • Responsibilities range from helping to prepare client presentations, to managing projects, to working with vendors, to washing windows (OK, no window washing – unless that’s your thing).  Stop it! Stop it! You’re killing me.
  • A college degree is mandatory, preferably from a highly-regarded schoolBWAHAHA!
  • Salary and benefits are competitive and a bonus, based on performance, may make the total compensation package beyond competitive – Beyond competitive … OMG! Hilarious.
  • Tell us why you’re the best candidate for this job and … maybe it will be yours. – I just peed myself laughing.

Superheros Wanted!!! (Account Executive)

  • Welcome! Currently searching for a few select self motivated superheroes, pirates and the occasional villain to join our elite team.    
  • All superheroes ARE self motivated unless you include Popeye.  Someone always had to shove a can of spinach down Popeye’s throat before he would save Olive Oyl.  As far as pirates and villains are concerned, pirates have peg legs and wear a patch over one eye, and villains have thick handlebar mustaches. Do you really want to project that image?   

Wanted: Personal Assistant Part Time

  • Must have above average SALES and NEGOTIATING skills Can you buy a cow with a bushel of corn?   

  • Must also have your own laptop and Internet service in your own home. – I do, but what about you?

    QUICKIE JOB MART 

    • PT RECEPTIONIST – INTERVIEWING TODAY!** – Tomorrow, you’ll be shit out of luck. 
    • ENERGY COMPANY/ ONLY 3 POSITIONS LEFTMake that two!
    • IMMEDIATE HIRE – Too late! You missed it!
    • NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY AS WE WILL TRAIN YOU – We’re experts in mind control.

    SPECIALTY EMPLOYERS  In Store Demonstrator

    • Food Demonstrators should have the ability and desire to create an exciting, warm, fun, and friendly shopping environment. Must be familiar with food. 

    Tennis Anyone??  

    • Needed: A part-time front desk manager to work evenings and weekends at a busy tennis club. Must speak english.   

    • Once you understand the meaning of these words, start reading them aloud. Congratulations! You are now speaking English and are qualified for this job; however, the employer is not, as the word English should always be capitalized.  

      Heathcare Order Processing – For Damaged Heath Candy Bars?

      • If you are energetic, career-driven, and motivated to provide a high level of customer service in a team-based environment, then we want to hear from you! Otherwise, we do not.
      Enhanced by Zemanta